Thursday, October 22, 2009

Life in a song 9

SILENCE...

Sometimes I'm certain that I will forever live in a cloud of too much...
...Too much heart, too much love, too much hurt... Too much pain.

The song I'm completely in love with right now is that of silence...
Silence... quiet yet full of sound...
The silence where I plug into my thoughts and play them on full blast
The silence where I am the cellist,the audience and the curtain closer...

Just me...
I have to cradle this song like a baby...
It is my personal metaphor... Actually a simile cos I used "like"...
{Oh} it can't even be just "like" cos a few months in I got to "love"

Verse 4 of this song says that I should commend myself for going there... For giving it what I have....
.. But now I think it'd be so much easier to know the stakes before getting into a battle...
Cos sometimes the odds are stacked in our favour and sometimes they aren't
... Sometimes we fight wars not knowing we've already lost...

Ur wondering how I'm already at verse four?
This song is special cos I can skip the parts I don't like... Repeat the bits I love...

Its raining outside... My life... a pathetic fallacy...
Or does that only apply to shakespeare?

The beginning of this song says I should have known better... That I could've remained detached... That the baggage was always too big for me to carry... And that even if I'd managed.. I'd always be huffing and puffing...
...emotionally asthmatic?

The ending harmony suggests that the butterflies have moved on...
Am I the only one who wonders where they've gone?Or is there another stage of metamorphosis that they don't tell us about in the science books?
... Perhaps they hibernate till ur ready for the smells and taste and sound of life again...
...Or maybe the butterflies really just fly away...

The echoes of the past come tinkering through the precious quiet...
...Remembrances...
...A joke, a hug, a meal, an utterance...I let them in... And then let them go...

My pain calls... shattering the precious silence... I pick up... Listen...and hang up...
I have used up all my words...
I am just a mass of air, water and feeling
There really is nothing left to say... I have used up all my words

The chorus of this song is a whisper...
Of hope... Of faith...
Its a glimmer... Of light...
... I will laugh again... With my very soul.

The truth is always in the heart of the maze. There is no point going in search of it... It always finds its way home...
I now KNOW:
What remains when you empty your pride and free ur spirit to deal... is......
THE TRUTH..

Some of my truth came from the truth of generations of women before me... Women who gave everything so I wouldn't have to...

Some of my truth came directly from my mother who has cried enough tears to cover me for a lifetime....

Some of my truth came from God... One day I was just soo weary inside that I wore a black suit, went to church and just asked him to help me...

Some of my truth came from friends who fight for me...

Its my personal truth that carried me on its wings above hurt and the pain of human expectation and subsequent failure...
Its my personal truth that held my hands and patted my back and helped me cry the tears that have refused to fall...
Its my personal truth that kept me standing tall and unwilling to buckle...
Its my personal truth that gave me the strength to close the door...
Its my personal truth that kept me hanging on to me.... The woman I know and love with every fiber of me ...

I am learning me and unlearning him...
...And sleeping in grannies...
Bliss

After all the silence, however... what is the consequence of sound?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Life in a song 8

What is the song you listen to when your heart has been broken into 56 little pieces?
Anita didn't cover this one... neither did Ray Charles...
What if it's not in Billie's discography... or Ms. Morentes?

Is there a prescription for this kind of pain?
...actually maybe it'd be better to ask for an antidote...

How do you go from being the brightest star in the sky to being bottled in a glowstick?
...and how do you learn to fly again...

In the midst of comedy and bright colours... you see storms and impenetrable darkness...
No one... nothing ever prepares one for this...

NOTHING

People have so much power... and the sad thing is... they use it.
one-off, two-off... doesn't matter... somethings still off.

If you empty your mind, let go of your pride, free your spirit to deal...
WHAT REMAINS?!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

I've figured it out...

We need the sun to flourish
sun... and conversation

I need to leave the hurt
... and disillusion

I know u... you know me...
and for now its gonna be three

Monday, June 08, 2009

If i really wanted to talk about it...

I'd say that I'm really upset, hurt and surprised by actions taken today
...but I won't..

I'd say that it might be better for you if you could look inward and see what you're doing wrong
...but I won't...

I'd say that you're making a lot of mistakes in succession
...but I won't...

I'd say much much more...
But I don't really want to talk about it

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

In the motherland

So i have been in Nigeria for over a week... eaten more food than should be legal... I really dont want to get anyone jealous but....
Ugba, point and kill fish, suya, ewedu soup with amala, roasted yam, roasted corn, akamu, peanuts and garri(lol), vegetable soup, okro soup, chicken suya, mr biggs, tantalizers... to mention a few...

Clubbed soo much I can actually count the number 0f days Ive slept home...
coliseum, auto lounge, page nightclub, metro park, insomnia, aqua 27, the grotto...

To Eleko beach and ate the hugest prawns u could ever imagine... prawns and orange vodka.. best combination EVER!!!

sleeping in a beachhouse where u can hear the waves... HEAVEN!!!

Will be back to update more... LOVe u guys...

Thursday, April 02, 2009

New Jewellry

I have had such a hectic week with school... one thing due after the other... I've been working on no sleep, 5 hour energy drinks and caffeine.
Things are winding down... though I still have some exams coming up... it shouldnt be as bad for the next few weeks
...plus I have my trip to Nigeria to look forward to...

Having said that, after a women studies exam today, I was at the right place at the time.

At a not-so-obvious store around my area, I found a ring I've been looking for FOR-MONTHS!!!

Discounted from over $200, I got this knuckle ring for ONLY $50!!!
I snatched it up so fast I think the salesgirl wished she'd priced it for twice as much.. the odd thing is I would have paid that.

Pardon the chipped polish... when one has no time to sleep.. reapplying polish is usually the least of ones worries

I also got these turquoise really cute earrings... and I never wear earrings other than my swarovski studs.

So my total count of earrings =2
terrible right?

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

I HAVE GREATTT NEWSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I'M GOING ON A VACATION IN THREE WEEKS!!!
... to NIGERIA!!!!!!!!!!

Words can't express how excited I am... cos this is actually actually actually going to happen...
the best part of it is a couple of my friends from Canada are going with me.. so its going to be like 2008 England all over again(6 of us went on a 3 or so week vacation about the same time last year)

I'm 'stutteringly' excited... chei
suya for 3 weeks
point and kill fish for 3 weeks
no sleepless nights studying for chemistry labs and writing english explications for 3 weeks
changing my hair every 4 days (just cos I can) for 3 weeks
speaking broken english in my dreams for 3 weeks
showing my sexier belly and wearing bikinis in the places that will permit me for 3 weeks
going to church on a sunday for that naija praise and worship that you simply cant get anywhere else... for 3 weeks
clubbing from midnight till 6am for 5 days out of the week... for 3 weeks
catching up with old friends... wearing flip flops and sunglasses... drinking star beer and gordon spark... for 3 weeks
not using an alarm or the snooze button for 3 weeks
did i mention SUYA for 3 weeks...

I'm also going to reach Ghana for a few days as 2 of my closest friends are on an extended vacation there... and if time permits I'll go see my other friend in Angola as well...
...oh the great life of the african vacationer..

I really should be studying as I have a chemistry lab to do in a few hours... but this is just too exciting not to share IMMEDIATELY!!!

I can already see myself walking to the airport, checking in my bags, getting on the plane... chai my soul is no longer in this CANADA again oh... na only body remain...

Having said that...
All of u that will remain in the European and North American freezers you find yourself in over those 3 weeks.. accept my condolences i mean apologies in advance
...Feel free to jealous me...
hehe
(If you are especially nice to me... I might just send u a couple pictures of me at various suya joints accross the nation... lol)

crap... whatever will i pack?!?!
oh and I realize it's april fools day... yay! prank time!!!

Monday, March 23, 2009

You might think I'm weird

But I REALLY REALLY REALLY want a white mongolian lamb fur vest... its obnoxiously pretty... and slightly hideous... but I am confident it will make me do better in my Literature paper due next month...


Sorry this post was meant for 'cranberry ocean'... but I'll just leave it up here and just add that my friends delivery wasn't traumatic for either of us... it was beautiful and amazing and shes doing great... as is her son. Thanks for all the fantastic messages and comments and all that good stuff... babies make the world a much more beautiful place to live in i tell u...

ps. if you have any nieces you want to hook him up with... please make inquiries asap... as his dance card is filling up very fast... drop me a line stating ur intentions and I'll get back to you on my percentage...

Just so you know... He can already focus his eyes, has great skin, and smiles with his eyes a la tyra banks modelling instructions.

His ears perk up whenever any science shows are on tv.. he therefore might become a doctor or pharmacist.. and he doesnt cry when we pray(so he is VERY VERY godly and spiritual)...

Feel free to ask any specific questions about baby boy... I will answer them but only apply if the girl in question is his age or just slightly older.. no sugar mamas(U HEAR VERA?! lol)..

INQUIRE WITHIN!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

He's here... safe and sound


All 9 pounds of him

Beautiful, Handsome, Gorgeous, Lovely do not suffice as descriptions... He is an amazing child... born of love, in love... and out of love.

He just smiles and coos... and eats and sleeps
I am in love with his little fingers and his little toes and his long lashes and tiny mouth

...I'm gunning for godmother...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

...Birth...

Tomorrow I am going in to experience womanhood... motherhood...

My friend is having a baby... and I'm to be in the delivery room
...to hold her hand...

I have never done this...

I'll either come out slightly experienced... or completely traumatized.
God help us both...
and her unborn child.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

7 things he's taught me in the past 7 months

  1. Not to lie an expensive watch face down...
  2. I have so much more to give than I thought I did...
  3. Not to say everything... Sometimes it's better to keep people guessing
  4. That even more boys like you when you are unavailable...
  5. That if you dream it... you can be it.
  6. There is beauty in 'two'
  7. That sometimes love is not enough...
    ...and sometimes it just is.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Just turned 23...

Happy birthday to me...
Its already great so far... can't wait to see what the rest of the day has in store...
Mad fun... I tell you

23's looking quite great already...
(At least its not the age when anybody starts asking me about a potential husband... hehe)

Bless up

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Started a new blog

Somehow it just did not seem appropriate to convert 'In My Mind' to a fashion(y) blog... So I decided to start a new one:

http://cranberryocean.blogspot.com

Since it's about the things I love... I probably should've named it http://cranberryocean.garriandhomomilk.passionfruitjuice.
braceletsandfruitylotions.stilletosandbrightwinterjackets.
curlyweaves.blogspot.com...
But I did not.
The domain was not available.

About Cranberry Ocean: I love cranberries... and the ocean. Organized religion and obscure musicians. I carry a calculator around with me all the time. I often wonder if living is an art or a science. I wish my paternal grandfather was still alive... so I could tell him I have forgiven him for the dirty slap he once gave me.

On a completely unrelated note:
I have work, 2 major papers due, a midterm and a web assignment to accomplish in a couple of days. Lord help me...
oh... and I'm going to be part of a bridal train in which the bride and groom are both cheating on each other... Lord help me especially here...

Thanks for all the messages on the last post... I really did not think of it as anything special to do... My belief in life is: Those who are able to... DO.
But I really do appreciate it... I'll update on our journey...

Blessings and suede booties...
xxxMuahxxx

Monday, January 26, 2009

I have decided to adopt

...a girl...
...a wonderful, gorgeous, lovely, loving girl...
...an 18 year old girl...

I am aware it's more common to adopt an infant... a toddler... as they are still young... like clay... to be molded into the vessels they occupy for the rest of their lives...

But my girl is perfect as she is... so soft-spoken and kind... despite the people she's grown up around her entire life.

Her mother is dead, her father rejects her because he has another family... her grandmother is dying, her sisters kicked her out of their home... asides from my sister and some friends, she is alone in the world.

So I will adopt her.
I'm only 4 years older and might not have too much 'motherly' advice to give her... but I know how to love...and to share... cos I know what it's like to feel alone in the world... to feel rejected by family... I have lived it... and still live it.

She is so beautiful... you'd love her if you saw her... with dark caramel skin and a slight lisp... and pearly white teeth... she smiles a lot despite the curveballs life has thrown at her. Yeah... she smiles with her eyes.

Her mother was her best friend... she died of cancer about 2 years ago... her father had promised her mom on her deathbead to take care of her...
...he LIED...

He now reminds her of his new family whom he can't afford to loose... he does not speak to her of education past high school, he does not care if she eats or not... does not call her to see if she has clothes, shelter...
... he has his own family...

Her sisters... oh gosh... the story I heard about her sisters made the tears flow uncontrollably...
Her grandmother(the person she is most close to in the world)... is robbed by her older sister, the woman has suffered two strokes and a heart attack and is being indefinitely held in the intensive care unit... her sisters charge their grandmother to feed her, they hardly change her(diapers)... this girl travels on the bus for over 2 hours sometimes... just to change her grandmother and take her food...
... she is only eighteen...

The stories I heard last night... I was trying to comfort her... and ended up just sobbing alongside her...
... her grandmother is dying...
...she has some family... but is alone...
... so I will love her...

Everything I do for my sister... I will do for her...
... My heart has been stolen by the tears of a wonderful young girl in need...
... I love her...

and yes... I will adopt her.
There is so much pain and sadness in the world... sometimes I wish I had a magic wand...

There is a God.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

I am grateful for...

I never have any new year resolutions... I just reflect on what make me happy...

Friends and family...
I'm extremely blessed.

Him... his eyes look for me the minute I walk away...

My new Max Axria dress... I discover new things about it every time I wear it... (As I speak... I'm at home wearing the extremely glamorous dress, watching Oprah, eating kidney beans with spiced spinach... ahhhh... the healthy-fab life... )

My belly... is the sexiest it's ever been... I'd repierce it... but I might as well wait until summer... and maybe not even then... I'm not sure how I feel about showing my belly in anything but a bikini anymore... (I'll be 23 in 2 months... but ahn what the heck... I have 6 months to decide...)

Fruits and Passions Georgia Peach Eau de Fruits... It smells heavenly... pretty cheap too...

My new 120Gb Ipod... it can store more music than I probably even know... so far I'm only 4Gb deep... and currently OVER-playing Adele, Betty Wright, Cesaria Evora, Daft Punk, Erupt, Feist, Goldfrapp, Husker Du, Ingrid Michaelson, Jason Mraz, KT Tunstall, Lou Reed, Moloko, Nick Drake, Orion Experience, Priscilla Ahn, Ray Charles, Sia, Tracey Chapman, Unklejam, Van Halen, Whitney Houston, Yelle(...I don't listen to any musicians whose names start with X or Z... feel free to introduce me... lol)

Text Messaging...

New skills I'm picking up: wearing eyeliner(blogger extraordinaire Boob sistas says liquid liner is a better option... as we speak I've already bought 3 different kinds(of liquid liner)...and 3 pencil ones... lol... (so far my straight line is 7/10 so far. Next try will be a Brigitte Bardot...). How to experiment with food... today I made red pepper, fresh tomatoes, mushrooms, spinach, tuna & red snapper sauce for ripe plantains... yesterday it was a corned beef sauce for kenkey... oh gosh I might have a chance with an African after all... hehe

Blogging... I know I havent written much on here lately... well thats partially cos I've been busy but mostly because I feel completely naked on here... some people peck and peck and peck... and well... Frankly, I got tired. So now I write about the shoes I got at the mall and the great passion I have for cranberry ice-cream and slouchy boots. I decided that I'll go back to me again... cos as much pleasure as there is in my life right now... there's also a bit of pain... and in the great words of the best singer of our generation Miss Britney Spears in Circus: "theres only two types of people in the world... the ones that entertain and the ones that observe"...
*I've chosen, not well necessarily to entertain, just not to observe*

In that vein... every once in a while... I'll think of *Pete* on paper... see if he translates as well in words as he does in actions... cos in actions he is the last flower you see in the fall... you know the one hanging onto the stem by a breath... the one it almost seems like a sacrilege to pluck... a few thorns if you chose to... but with that... an overwhelming feeling of having captured beauty. I think he was put on earth to teach me about the world... he will go his way one day and I will go mine... but in the meantime... I'm open.

God: I am not necessarily religious... just spiritual. I am a christian... just don't identify with any church in particular... so in the meantime... I go to anyone I feel like cos I believe God is everywhere... most especially in our hearts. I'm glad that I have someone I can talk to when my bank account is in the minus... and when my heart hurts and when I'm sick and when I'm scared. God is love.

Techno/house/garage music: I derive complete joy in dancing with no rhythm and throwing myself about akwardly and without inhibition... House music is my first love... I'm the weirdest of my friends as I combine this love with a love for music in languages that I do not understand...

Drinking garri with cold 3.25%homogenized milk, unsalted peanuts and ice cubes.

Education... I have a friend who is not confident in speech because, despite the natural intelligence... not enough books were read... and the words sometimes don't come out right...

My sister... she is the singular most beautiful person I know... physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually... a LOVELY person... someday I'll make her write something here...

This year will be better than the last... as great as that one was.

Happy new year all!