Sunday, August 31, 2008

I probably won't want to read this when I get back...

3 nights ago... past midnight... I walked for over 2 hours... in the direction of my thoughts... I was supposed to have it figured out by the time I got back... I didn't...

2 days ago... I ate about 12 times the entire day... maybe there'd be an answer there... there wasn't...

I knelt to pray... and drew a blank... I'd talked to God about this a few years ago... and it became crucial this past year... I tried... I've really been trying to put things together... to move on to the next chapter... but NOTHING

For the past few weeks.. I havent really slept... I wake up at odd hours... sleep at odd hours... I who once slept through fire alarms and ambulances right beside my window... now wake up when my door is opened...

I'm scared... and stressed... and s...

This morning I woke up with tears in my eyes.... I've been crying for over 2 hours... still don't feel any better..

It's not sadness... or depression... more of that feeling you have when you feel like it's over... like you are over...
you don't really talk about it... at least not much... cos you're supposed to be this happy person who has it figured out ... or is at least in the process... plus everybody has their own issues to deal with anyways... so you smile through the pain and hmmm encouragingly when they tell you their own frustrations... cos perhaps through listening to theirs... you'll forget yours... but you don't... its there... everyday... every single day... especially as the date looms nearer... and you doubt anything will happen to make things turn around...

Nothing feels better... absolutely nothing... Not food... not friends... not shoes.. not family... not Music... Nothing... they just serve as temporary distractions until... your thoughts come home again... you just want to roll into a big wall and be transported to another time... you know... to just skip this part...

An honest silly mistake with a document... and my entire universe is in shambles around me... I can't find the pieces... and don't have the superglue to put it back together...

At the lowest I've been... I made a muck of things... It was hard for me... and I told somebody... who was supposed to help out a little... and dissapointed like most people end up doing... I was supposed to be able to do this by myself anyways... but I've failed...

Disconnected from my world... my life... from me... I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE IT FIGURED OUT BY NOW... AND ALL I FEEL IS DESPAIR...

I think I'll take another walk now... I should wear comfortable shoes... cos this is probably going to be a long one...

Sunday, August 24, 2008

2 years on blogspot...

I'm 22... It's my 2nd year anniversary as well as my 200th post on blogspot... so this is like a double or triple celebration...

I could go on and on about the great time I've had on here... the great friends I've made... the great things I've learnt... but I won't... I feel like you already know...

you also know of my music obsession with Awilo Longomba, Celine Dion and Oliver De Coque... my feelings on Cranberry juice, travel, bright nail polish, and gay pride festivals... what kind of food I like to eat. You know about my mom, my sister... my uncle... my dad. You know about my ex-boyfriends and my current entanglements (ish) and my great passion for 3 inch heels. You know about my fish.... my faith, my height, my preference in guys. You know more about me than you possibly care to, I'm sure.

I'm actually thinking of taking a little break from blogspot... hopefully it'll be really short... but there are some things I need to put in order right now...
...If and when I do... my whoop of joy will be heard around the world...

In the meantime... I want to say thanks to every single person in my life that has contributed anything positive... in person, through words, on here... in prayer... you're in mine... and I love you all completely...

A song that sort of echoes how I feel at the moment is Marvin Sapp's "Never could've made it"... I cry every single time I hear it... there's beauty in God... and in the human spirit.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Things I want right now...

My toes kissed.

I want a library card cos I'd rather spend my money on summer dresses and green nail polish, a trip to the Vatican, bright orange heels, Janet Jackson's discipline album, a tattoo, BEBE snakeskin heels (IN MY SIZE DAMMIT!!!), oversize white blazer with shiny silver buttons, a strawberry banana smoothie with green apple and lychee jelly, a black sequined mini-skirt(I know...two seasons after...), JETBLACK straight hair(for zee), another studded rocker belt, a male movado watch(a friend is getting me a deal on it... SUPERYAY!!!), Laura Mercier green glittery eyeliner(I'd start wearing makeup just to get to wear this... )

I want a super-fantastic tailor to sew some ankara that I'll wear for my friends sisters wedding, flavoured chapstick, Evisu distressed skinny jeans and John Legend for lunch.

I want a belted,black one-piece bathing suit to wear to my friends upcoming birthday party, and to go to the zoo before the summers over.

I want a giant snow-white clutch, neon blue nails, black leather jacket and a Sophie Kinsella book.

I want to see Dark Knight, Stepbrothers and the bunny movie when it comes out, Asa's album... her single Jailer is one of the most important songs to come out of Nigeria in a while...

I want my computer back... to go to a Jill Scott concert before I'm 23, bigger wardrobe space, Duffy's album, Erykah Badu's new fragrance with Tom Ford(I too would love to smell like an afro and long nails), new bug glasses as I just broke my favorite pair.

I want cauliflower stew, cottage cheese(I've never tasted it alone), the receipt for a gold bracelet I bought recently and broke the same day, spicy beef ball noodle soup from the thai place near my old workplace, to one day behold the angel of dance that is Mia Michaels on so you think you can dance...

I want to apologize to my big sisters T,U,M,A... we haven't spoken in so long and it's my fault... please forgive me... I will be better... I love you

I want to wear something completely inappropriate like a ballgown and flip-flops to buy canned tomatoes at the convenience store near my house...
...think I just might...