Sunday, August 31, 2008

I probably won't want to read this when I get back...

3 nights ago... past midnight... I walked for over 2 hours... in the direction of my thoughts... I was supposed to have it figured out by the time I got back... I didn't...

2 days ago... I ate about 12 times the entire day... maybe there'd be an answer there... there wasn't...

I knelt to pray... and drew a blank... I'd talked to God about this a few years ago... and it became crucial this past year... I tried... I've really been trying to put things together... to move on to the next chapter... but NOTHING

For the past few weeks.. I havent really slept... I wake up at odd hours... sleep at odd hours... I who once slept through fire alarms and ambulances right beside my window... now wake up when my door is opened...

I'm scared... and stressed... and s...

This morning I woke up with tears in my eyes.... I've been crying for over 2 hours... still don't feel any better..

It's not sadness... or depression... more of that feeling you have when you feel like it's over... like you are over...
you don't really talk about it... at least not much... cos you're supposed to be this happy person who has it figured out ... or is at least in the process... plus everybody has their own issues to deal with anyways... so you smile through the pain and hmmm encouragingly when they tell you their own frustrations... cos perhaps through listening to theirs... you'll forget yours... but you don't... its there... everyday... every single day... especially as the date looms nearer... and you doubt anything will happen to make things turn around...

Nothing feels better... absolutely nothing... Not food... not friends... not shoes.. not family... not Music... Nothing... they just serve as temporary distractions until... your thoughts come home again... you just want to roll into a big wall and be transported to another time... you know... to just skip this part...

An honest silly mistake with a document... and my entire universe is in shambles around me... I can't find the pieces... and don't have the superglue to put it back together...

At the lowest I've been... I made a muck of things... It was hard for me... and I told somebody... who was supposed to help out a little... and dissapointed like most people end up doing... I was supposed to be able to do this by myself anyways... but I've failed...

Disconnected from my world... my life... from me... I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE IT FIGURED OUT BY NOW... AND ALL I FEEL IS DESPAIR...

I think I'll take another walk now... I should wear comfortable shoes... cos this is probably going to be a long one...

59 comments:

geisha.song. said...

aww sweetie... whats wrong?

Uzo said...

My der..whats up? send me an email....

Afrobabe said...

Aw love, take it easy ok...

Leave it to God...there is nothing more you can do....we love you and will pray for you..

This post is so so touching, I wish I had a solution to what hails you....just take it easy ok...

Vera Ezimora said...

Babe,

You're scaring me oh. What is going on? I don't even know what else to say. I don't have any wise, encouraging words, but I'll have you in my heart, babe.

Love ya lots...

....Really, I do.

Chari said...

wow...jus take of u love...everything will be fine...ur going to sort out this ish whether u realise it or not...

bumtight said...

if shoes dont make you feel better, then its definitely serious.

even though you havent stated explicitly what the problem is, I can relate with 90% of what u've typed.

so you smile through the pain and hmmm encouragingly

especially as the date looms nearer

An honest silly mistake with a document.

here are the things I've learnt:
1. you cant be able to do it all by yourself everytime.
2. never lose hope, cos somehow things will work out.
*hugs*

Mocha said...

hmmm...are you alright love?
Take it easy..I dunno what to say except that i know exactly how you feel..you move away from the feeling for a bit hoping by the time you dare to face it again it would have smoothed out a little..or that a corner of it has changed to provide an out..an answer..a solution..
But it never changes and gets you all gnarled up in knots again and again..almost choking you with fear..
I know this too well..

I also know that eventually there'll be a way from it..usually through it..and even tho it sucks ass in the meantime, it WILL get better..
I'm rooting for you sweetie..
Bless
Mocha x

Jarrai said...

I had to read and re-read what you wrote so i don't say the wrong thing because sometimes we read without absorbing the content of what our minds' eye have seen.

I think there is purpose in your thoughts, zoom in on them a little for better clarity. There is pain in your writing but i have learnt that nothing lasts for ever...make way for it to disperse...it will. What ever it is that has brought on how you are feeling, i'll pray that this too shall pass...you will rise above it.

Haven't been here in a while..sorry about that. I hope you are ok...truly.

Funms said...

im first!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!

Funms said...

some things happen and bring us to d lowest point. we even try to pray and we cant just seem to get it right. hold on, dont give up, have faith and it will all be well. remember all things r a phase and it only makes us stronger

Tears said...

oh dear! wished i had that glue help you :(
hope u packed enough powerrade, u be needing it *winks

All best! xx

good naija girl said...

Don't stop praying, ONB. I hope your walk was beneficial.

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much. I've said a prayer for you and have asked that you see that silver lining in your life soon.

It will be well with time. Believe. And your experiences, difficult as they are, may one day help someone else out enormously.

Buttercup said...

awwww sweetie..

it might not seem that way now, but there actually IS a solution to every problem..just keep prayin, God will do it..

simeoneomobaba said...

mhen..you paint a picture of the most -hopeless ..but please i'll like you to know that as long as your heart doesn't stop beating ..things will get better..we all fall down, we all cry sometimes but what you shouldn't do is stay there..
talk to God bout woteva the challenge is..he'll sort you out-just let him.

Lady Koko said...

I MADE IT!!!!!!!!! GYEAA!!!!!!!!

Lady Koko said...

OH WOW!!!!!!!!! THIS WAS........am speechless!!!!!
p.s:whatever it is.....KEEP PRAYING...thats all there is to do at such times....NO AMMOUNT OF SHOPPING CAN CURE IT!
P.P.S:KOKO LURRRRRRVE BEYBEY!!! XOXOXOXO

Nwanyi Ocha said...

Oh my dear .... do try to find solace / comfort in the people (family & friends )around who truly care … maybe talking bout it might help as well

Whatever it is hun – this too shall pass *Massive HUGGG!*

miz-cynic said...

i think u should realise that u are not alone in this world and it is not over until it is over.blogsville can seem like a fantasy world but rily i guess in our own lil way we can be there for u, take heart and remember u are definitely not alone

miz-cynic said...

i think u should realise that u are not alone in this world and it is not over until it is over.blogsville can seem like a fantasy world but rily i guess in our own lil way we can be there for u, take heart and remember u are definitely not alone

Patrice said...

There are thousands of years of experience that read your blog regularly. We might be able to help if you tell us about the "mistake" you made with a document.

NikkiSab said...

Sweetness!! Pls dont cry anymore. I know its hard to be strong wen tins dont seem to be going well but u must try. No one eva has a definite idea of how tins will turn out but learn to work with wat u av gradually. Pray. dont stop, neva stop - I assure u God only needs u to call his name and ax for HIS help. if u need to chat buzz me on facebook luv. I am here for u.

NoLimit said...

Weeping may endure for a night...but joy comes in the morning...
Take heart babes...I may not know what and how you're feeling but I can guarantee you that this will pass!
You'll look at this day some weeks/months/years down the line and wonder why you ever worried in the first place!
chin up,keep your head up high and don't lose faith...

azuka said...

Here's hoping you feel better soon.

Flygurle said...

Hey Babe.. hang in there woteva it is and remember..
Someday everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh @ the confusion, smile through d tears, & keep reminding urself dat everything happens 4 a reason!

NigerianDramaQueen said...

My soul-twin,
I felt like I was walking with you, trying to sort out feelings as I read this. I don't know what's going on-or what is leading you to despair. But I do know, that as cliche as this may sound: it will be okay. Nothing-absolutely nothing-is ever as bad as it seems. It may be bad, there may be no lesson learned-but it's not as bad as it may seem.
Cry, be still, walk, work-out, write, pray...do whatever works for you....
It is never over-not for someone who has as much as talent and heart as you do. We need mor you's in the world. So silence the madness.
I am about to go to bed, but just before my eyes shut, I will be saying a prayer for my soul-twin in distant canada. A cyber hug at you!
Love ya,
Moi..xxxxx

Bondgirl said...

Hey....I am first on somebody's blog for once. Can I say that this piece really spoke to me in the sense that I felt you had stolen the words from my own sadness and written them here. Excellent writing!

ibiluv said...

not sure what i can say to help........

this too shall pass.....

you dont have to kneel...just talk to him like you blogged about it........

you'll be fyne and i'm sure you will sort it out....

take care.......

Sprezatura said...

I hope you are just writing in the first person, but i you arent, i hope you feel much better now, Fuck it we all make mistakes but its the way we handle such that matters,Yes walk and run out the feeling, at least when u get back the muscle ache will occupy your mind instead.

AlooFar said...

Please take it easy.

NewLife said...

I pray all is well with you and you feel better now

stranger said...

hmmm. you know how to reach me. on gmail or facebook. or if u still have my no, call me. i can listen. or i can talk to you.

Anonymous said...

'...and this too shall pass' sweets, it'll pass

Tisha said...

1st i think
give urself a break.
u can get through this.
you go do ur homework and find out what can be done, if there is, do it.
if not, pray then listen to worship music and just yield and not worry.
it'll work out for your good
you'll see
loved ur writing, dunno if this is the right time to say it, it poignant

Beyond said...

hey sweetie.... ols take things easy....try and gather ur inner energy and hope to God for the best.

I pray you will be fine...

Laughter said...

Babes, I really do not know what you are going through. But, a few months ago I was at my lowest and now am just back to my bubbly and happy self, in life everything is a phase and it would pass away, just hold onto God and you will be fine.

Hang in there with us all, it cannot be that bad.

Shalom

Anonymous said...

FIRST, YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry sweetie,
I totally relate to that feeling,
just take a chance & pray
trust me, it'll be ok
xxx

ebony said...

I hope you are feeling better? Can't really articulate what else to say because there is too much to say.

zara (my alter ego) said...

1st?? ok.. thats strong emotions right there.. hope ure better now.. its been 7 days .. rite?
cheers hun

zara (my alter ego) said...

ohh i feel so stupid! it has blog owner approval! shud have known i cudnt be first on ur blog!!** shakes head at stupidity***

Favoured Girl said...

Overwhelmed, I don't know what it is, but I know that if you really reach out to God in prayer, He will answer you and He will lift you out of the gloom. You can be real with God, He knows you inside out so you don't need to hide any feelings. Just let it out, let it all out on your knees....

Anonymous said...

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. This may seem difficult to comprehend now but it's true. You will overcome!

Anonymous said...

YOU ARE OK!

Anonymous said...

My Dear..
Please please do not despair.. try talking to God again..
You are not alone..
Everyone of us has been there..
we all make mistakes.. sometime...
Its always alright in the end so if its not alright, its not the end...
Hugz
Candy

Nene said...

OH U R SO DEEP!!I LOVE THIS POST!! IT ECHOES MY SENTIMENTS!!...my feelings of being lost...You will be fine darling...

Vixen said...

Just so you know...I've been in exactly the same place. Because of one silly mistake on a stupid document---I lost my job, my apartment, my car, my life. Everything was in shambles and it took 2 years and lots of hard work just to get out of the quagmire. But on the other side, here I am, better than ever. And I've learned, it pays to follow up on everything, even the immigration shit that you think doesn't really matter.

Good luck in your trials and tribulations. Remember, it came to pass. You'll be in my thoughts.

Noni Moss said...

Ok I'm confused. What happened? WHat mistake did you make?

Pele my dear. It might seem like the end of the world but you can deal with it. You always can. You might look back at this episode and shudder (if not laugh) but you will look back at it as an episode that has past.

This website always snaps me out of my melancholy - http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/

Hope the storm passes soon. Good luck!

Jarrai said...

Hey u, are u ok??

Lady A said...

You will get through this season. Trust me, you will be just fine. Then someday you will look back and laugh at this day and encourage other people that are going through the samething. But it starts with you.
God will not put more on u then what you can bear.

Bintifulgal said...

Hey ONB.... I never left a comment on your blog before but I m one of those stalkers. You are such a great writer and I pray you find the strength and courage to deal with whatever you are going through. I hope your faith is renewed when you are sorted.

Chika said...

Oh baby!...i've felt the same lately but i hope its just temporary...I pray it would all go away.I want me to be happy..i want you to be happy too.Miss u loads.

cinnamonqueen said...

Overwhelmed, whassup? Are you ok? Are you back yet?

Hope whatever it is you need to figure out, darling, you have or you are close to.

pink-Satin said...

pele!i think i know how u feel!!today i have cried my eyes out over a document i lost and is really important!!

Remi Fagbohun said...

???
This sounds bad sweetie!!

Anonymous said...

happy to be the first person on the comment page that aside babe was going on, watever it's u are going thru believe me you shall overcome. Life is ever changing and i know it doesn't look or feel like that at this point but believe me u will look back at this and learn, laugh and sometimes cry. but the main point is that u will LOOK BACK AT THIS

Jaycee said...

ONB...I don't have any other comforting words than to say "hope you don't feel this way anymore."

Sometimes we've all got to take a long walk to reflect on our lives...yeah, with flats too, and not stilettos. *Hugs*

Buttercup said...

r u okayyyyyyyY?????

just checkin on u!

Naapali said...

Pele.

AnyaPosh said...

sweetie, what can I say - they've said it all. You must believe that this phase or whatever trouble you find yourself is only temporary. You must believe that. It will come & go, take heart, we love you lots!

Through these eyes said...

So sorry to hear this. Feel better luv. You know in life we have our ups and downs. When you have a down, brave through it knowing deep down inside that downs don't last, but will pass away with a promise of new rays of hope and light at the end of the tunnel. Weather the storm, and it shall pass. It will only get better. I promise! Big Hug.