Monday, March 03, 2008

Nigeria… in a nutshell

I never realized how much I missed it until I returned… the sights and smells, the people and personalities… the food and fun.

I was home … back to a country I’d left as an adolescent with nothing but the clothes on my body…

This time I made different memories…

I went everywhere… ate everything… saw (almost) everybody…

  • Alpha Beach in Lagoshad a blast riding horses, eating suya and drinking Gordon spark (Nigeria’s “schnappy” version of Smirnoff ice)

  • A strip club in Owerri that had a bed instead of a pole, somewhat pretty girls with ‘not-bad’ moves that translated more as ‘club dancing’ than anything exclusively sexy.

…the first girl inserted a lit cigarette in her vagina and did handstands for a few minutes till the cigarette was almost burnt out. She took it out and then inserted a Guinness bottle in her vagina…

I didn’t stick around to see what the second girl would put in… left halfway through her ‘act’.

  • Numerous nightclubs in Owerri from All seasons to Concorde and in Lagos where I partied every week from Wednesday (ladies night at Coliseum) till Monday (La Cachette, Metro, Page, the Q club, and many others I can’t remember)…. all fabulous… although I wasn’t impressed with the slippers some girls wore to the clubs… the repetition of songs… or the fact that they were even played to the end…

… its called mixing dj and heels ladies…

Coming from a country where clubs close at 2.30-3am, the 7am closing in Nigeria was a welcome change… I danced every night till it was bright…

*I had to teach a few people how to ‘snap their fingers and do the step’… seeing as yahoozee wasn’t meant to be danced to every song…it was all in good fun though*

**I’m still slightly jealous of my friend Mamarita who took Air France and ran into Awilo Longomba… I wish I’d listened to the voice inside that told me not to fly Lufthanza especially seeing as they lost my luggage for 11 days**

  • I caught a few concerts and live performances from Owerri to Lagos… Dreamland, La Cachette and my favorite (Kings place… they played owambe music)

*Tuface is a bit odd… I never understood the need for dark sunshades in the dead of the night. Perhaps they were x-ray glasses… He looked perverted enough to do that… fantastic live voice though… cute too*

  • I’m apparently a lesbian magnet… I was approached everywhere from Club bathrooms to restaurants… numerous drinks sent to my table from admiring girls…

*to be so sexy*

  • I ran into a few nollywood actresses from Benita Nzeribe (who looked like a retired secretary at the club) to Uche Elendu (she looked incredibly pleasant… I liked her), Somto (almost tripped trying to dutty whine… it was hilarious… gorgeous girl), Oge Okoye (ran into her at like 4 different parties within 2 weeks from Owerri to Lagos… she came off as an American-wannabe and slightly stuckup... nice skin though), Mercy Johnson (she walked into a restaurant in Victoria island like she owned the place… great confidence, not so great looking skin… plus she wore bathroom slippers... definitely looked better on film), Ololo (my favorite nollywood housegirl wore a traditional outfit to the club… ewwwwww), Jennifer Eliogu lived in the same estate I stayed in… I love the way she speaks… her chicken legs…not so much.

  • I went to Femi Kuti’s shrine… drank a lot of palm wine and star beer… saw the biggest blunts I ever have in my life… (and this is coming from someone who’s dated a few Jamaicans who are supposed to be from-birth-weedheads). It was amazing fun… I was the first person on the dancefloor… you’ve never been chopped until you have a guy high out of his mind trying to ask for your number…

  • The blogger party was fun. I arrived with Laspapi (who is so directionally challenged I almost took over the wheel… he almost drove us to Ogun state) incredibly late as my flight from Imo State had been delayed a few hours. By the time we got to the party… most had left. I met:

Unnaked Soul: I’d seen a picture of him before… but he looks even better in person… gorgeous gorgeous guy, tall too… spent a bit of time dissecting papi’s whispers... it was hilarious. I never asked if he was single… but I’d recommend him (especially if you’re into astrology and moonlit walks discussing yaraduas latest policy or reparations… lol

Tayo Odukoya: is a very sweet guy…

Dscribe: was pretty… soft voice. In my real world I probably would be wary of being her friend thinking she’s so good that she’d probably judge me (I’ve had many such experiences)… but would get to know her and absolutely love her.

There were a few unfamiliar people… a girl with an afro(newer blogger) that was absolutely beautiful… another guy I didn’t really talk to so much… the person who helped organize it (Tope Williams I think… cute, friendly… ) alagbade (don’t know her blog… she was pretty and petite…), spoke to princesa on the phone...

*Truth betold, I was sort of hoping to run into some ugly bloggers… *

Just so he doesn’t feel left out… I’ll talk about Laspapi. He’s fun(ny), charming, doesn’t drink (BORING!!!), has perfect skin and smiles a lot. Cute of course (I don’t keep ugly friends… lol). Dressed very ‘yuppy’, he was decked out in his adidas jumpsuit, heavy bling bling and hoop earrings (I kid I kid… he wouldn’t be caught dead in those). He’s very cool though in his papi-ish way with his extended metaphors and horrendous singing voice… definitely one of my favorite people on the planet {God finding good things to say about papi is most exhausting… lol… he is afterall VERY shallow… maybe even more than I am… ). He took me to this fantastic suya place (I never thought I could ever have too much suya) and proceeded to land me in the middle of a tribal/political war (if not for the grace of God and my genius… I could’ve become one of those white people they kidnap to ‘make a point’). I finally got to watch ‘our’ play Anatomy of a Woman play at Terra Kulture. It was so well acted and hilarious… my friend Sandy and I had a blast the entire time (until her phone rang… so embarrassing). The audience was very appreciative and interactive. When it was over, Papi introduced the actors… and me. I waved from the back seat (I probably should’ve stood up though… in a fitted emerald blue satin dress, sitting down, the yam and roasted fish I’d had for lunch showed a bit and I didn’t really want the audience to think he’d dedicated the play to a girl with a belly… lol… shallow… I know)

*I’d recommend any play, television short that Papi puts out… he’s amazing at what he does (and no that’s not the bribe talking… )*

**There are some fantastic paintings and artwork at Terra Kulture… I have decided that I will have my 20** bachelorette party there… art, a giant cake and strippers… could it get any classier?… lol**

  • Christ Embassy in Ikeia (their main branch) is incredibly huge…I didn’t get the odd looks I got when I wore pants and no scarf to the church in my moms village. I saw Pastor Chris preach… I didn’t mind it… but I guess the way people acted like he was a small god… I half-expected a dove to descend from opened heavens and a voice say: “This is Pastor Chris with whom I’m well pleased”.

I spotted some sexy boys I would’ve loved to discuss the book of Psalms with… but I had to leave immediately… Sandy and I had lunch date(s)…

Speaking of dates:

I was in Nigeria for about 32 days… and there wasn’t a single day when a guy or 5 didn’t approach me for my number… and oddly enough I kept meeting guys from ‘abroad’… Amsterdam, Spain, Holland, Tokyo, Hong Kong, London, Canada… the works.

{To be Continued}

44 comments:

Zena said...

I don't want to dream I'm first,

Sounds like you had soooo much funny, pity you can't put up any pictures

That Owerri strip joint sound...uhn...very interesting, cigarette?lmao. Naigeria we hail thee!

Uzo said...

The way you describe it...LOL...The stripper description....Interesting...I remember Concorde Hotel from when we lived in Owerri...Brings back so many memories

onydchic said...

RETIRED SECRETARY... LOL

Owerri sounds...interesting...;) Soundds like you had fun!

onydchic said...

Oh and another LULZ for the Pastor Chris obsession. I dont get it either!

Chika said...

gordon sparks...lol,thats my drink in nigeria too.you sure had a blast gurl....little wonder why you didnt want to come back.

nosa101 said...

strip clubs in naij? freal?

nosa101 said...

Strip Clubs in Naij? Freal?

bumight said...

sounds like you had sooooo much fun!
I don't even want to imagine the strip clubs.
lol @ discussing the book of psalms though!

femme fatale said...

LMAO @ d stripper and her cigarette...naija just gets crazier! looks lik u had fun and i also dont get that pastor Chris obssession...2 weird!

SET said...

LOL, IT SOUND LIKE YOU HAD SO MUCH FUN, NICE. IT MUST HAVE BEEN EXCITING TO MEET SOME BLOGGERS. HOW DID YOU SEE ALL THESE ACTORS, SMALL PLACE HUH? 'I don’t keep ugly friends… lol' YOU ARE TOO FUNNY.

Nigerican said...

i am soooo hateing u right now... i wish i went home tooo. Don't worry, this year i'll go eat my own fish and yam :).

teecity said...

awwwww i actually live here n vent met anybody,n from d moment u get in u meet everybody (well almost everybody,as u didnt meet me.lol).so not fairrrrrr.when u plan ur 20** barchellorette parry b sure to invite me.

so glad u had fun dear.but u try oh.u go nearly everywhere from Owerri to Lagos.

the Owerrri strip joint i'd like to go.lol

d retired secetary mehn tewww funny.

y didnt u try our own smirnoff ice cos personally i dont like gordons spark too.

i shuld go to Terra Culture,ve heard alot abt it.

wo,dont let me carry on.

takia.

The Last King Of Scotland said...

u had so much fun. cant wait to go home next. i want to visit lagos, abuja, port harcourt, calabar, ibadan, warri, jos, whew. nice one gyal

Justme said...

im still mad at u!!!

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

Zena: lol you actually are first… so u get your wish… I’ll put up pictures from Nigeria… I’ll have to sift through and put ones without my face so you don’t discover how truly hideous I am… haha. Oh gosh Owerri is mAd!!! I absolutely loved every single moment of it… in fact I think I’ll talk about Owerri a bit more when I continue my Naija Chronicles.. writing this I just realized how long its been since I actually replied comments on my blog… zena u dey reform me no be small… and yeah the cigarette thing… I was cringing… like eww and argh… I’m not sure that was necessary but then again I’m a girl… I’m sure they wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t fun for the guys.

Uzo: Babe you should’ve seen it in person… I wasn’t comfortable with it at all… I mean I’ve been to a few strip clubs here and there…(in Canada though) and haven’t seen that.. I mean a beer bottle… why and how is that necessary? And she didn’t have to prove she’s wide as a canal… lol.. I’ll just stop… Concorde hotel is gorgeous… I’m not sure if u lived there long ago…but right now.. its flawless… I was so impressed at the quantity and quality of hotels in Owerri more so than anywhere else… I told you they sell condoms in front of the clubs right? Lol so after jamming u can go and really jam.. Nigerians and their perverted senses of humour… lol

Onydchic: no seriously she was wearing this turtleneck black sweatery lacy looking thing and black dress pants and black shoes.. so boring… I guess I expect too much… Owerri was crazyyyy and yeah the pastor chris thing… lol I wont go into it cos he has too many fans(many of them my friends… I don’t want them to kill me.. lol). There are some sexy ass guys in his church tho… which is always fun to look at

Chika: lol… I know… I stayed an extra week soaking it all in.. and even then I feel like I didn’t get to do half the stuff I wanted to. Gordon spark was pretty not bad.. I drank tons of star beer tho… lol… u should see my new belly… its funny.

Nosa101: yup… the one I went to was supposed to be this exclusive ‘big boys’ type of thing… which is one thing I found in Nigeria… very elitist… everybody just wants to oppress everybody else

Bumight: oh that I did… and more… babe I wouldn’t even know where to start with this gist… I could write a book… as in everyday was so exciting… I always just drifted into sleep cos my body absolutely needed it… omo mydancecard, my eatingcard, my entertainment card, my spiritual card… everything was filled… im already dreaming about next year which is gonna be madder as tons of my ppl from Canada are coming down…

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

Femme Fatale: My dear na really wow… what killed me was that I seemed like the only person who had a problem with this… omo I’ve never been a prude but on the real… a beer bottle… was that really necessary? Or even sexy?

Set: lol… I had a blast… yeah it was cool to meet up with some people.. there were a few I didn’t get to meet whom I had really wanted to… but im going back this Christmas… so I’ll plan it better and have even more fun… I cant wait. Oh yeah the actors… I just ran into them randomly… most of them at clubs and parties though… they mostly look nice… and fun… how u been my darling? Ive missed you

Nigerican: come this xmassssssssssssss… lets parryyyyyyyyyyy… and be merryyyyyyyyy… I miss youuuuuuuuuuuu… wheres marriiiiiiiiiii… I miss her tooooooooooooooooo… lol… omo try point and kill fish when u go to naija… you’ll collapse with enjoyment

Teecity: lol … u know me I’m a girl about town now… I was only there for a month so I had to cram in everything and as much people as I could… it was mad. Lol… nothings in the works oh… im just saying that in the future if I get to thinking about it and having it… Terra Kulture would bea great venue… although im sure they wouldn’t agree to something so déclassé … I probably just have to sound someone with wads of naira(lol… I’m so Nigerian) oh I drank tons of Smirnoff ice and baileys all the regular stuff but I also drank tons of star, Gordon spark.. and my favorite… palm wine(although none of what I drank compared to my granpas God rest his soul… he was a palm wine tapper… trust me I started drinking at a very early age… going through my day tipsy without even knowing it… lol… no wonder I turned out somehow somehow… ) terra Kulture is perfection… I think I’ll put up a few pictures later.

The Last King of Scotland: Shebi I told u to come to Naija… u berra be there this xmassssss…. So you can come with me to some point and kill joints… lol(my specialty)… omo next time I’m going to Calabar for their festival which I heard is mad fun. And I’ve never been to the north… that’s a thought for next time

Just Me: I will apologize… in person… on the phone… I’m sorry… please reach into the depth of your heart and pull out an envelope of forgiveness for me… abeg… I love u.. soweeeeeeeeeeeee

NigerianDramaQueen said...

you mos def had a blast! Naijj is def the place to be anytime. So im still stuck on the cigarette in the....hot dang.

stranger said...

no no no no no....and i thought that it was bad enough that all we had was a phone convo...u actually came to where i live and work, and i still didnt get to meet you! who knows, maybe am one of those boys you would have loved to discuss the psalms with ...oh bother!

SET said...

I AM FINE, I MISS YOU TOO.

stranger said...

and u missed my birthday too...

but it was good to talk to you...i thought after i hung up...."shes so easy to talk to"

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

NigerianDramaQueen: my dear it was fantastic… speaking of fantastic… theres a French boy sitting beside me… he has the most delicious accent ever… oh my goshh… if no be say ****… oh goshhhhhhhh… lol. I told him I was still thinking of spending a year or 6 months in Paris… he said certain parts are really racist… but I’d survive… the way this boy pronounces my name… omo I dey change spelling… lol. The cigarette thing was just wrong…

Stranger: I owe you a serious apology. I’m sorry my darling… I kept meaning to call… I was too busy and the worst part was I was using someones phone so I never saved any numbers and somehow got everything jumbled(all excuses… I know)… but I dey come this xmas… we could do something… maybe you could take me to an amusement park… I didn’t get to do that… well I went to funzone or times or whatever… but I want like mary go rounds and stuff… lol(im such a big baby… I know)… and yes oh maybe you were one of them… I’m sure u were… fine boy as you be… lol… happy belated birthday my angel… I think your number is in my email… I’ll call you.

Orekelewa said...

I'm glad to hear you had a blast!!....strippers in naija....I have to definitely look into that...

geisha said...

considering i'm not on the list of fantastic people u met, i dont exactly trust my feelings enough to write a proper comment. so there.

Risquediva said...

wow, ds post is hella long..wud be back when i wake up to finish reading

Naijadude said...

YOU ARE JUST CRAZY!!!

Nice shots at Laspapi ooh!!

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

Orekelewa: oh I diddddddddddddddd…you should… they have a spot or two in Lagos

Geisha: You know I still haven’t figured out a way to apologize to you… I will…

Risquediva: don’t worry… it’s not that serious

Naijadude: haha… don’t tell him…

Fo said...

welcom back hun....looks like u had alot fun...cant wait for the part two!

BeautyinBaltimore said...

Look who went to Naija and enjoyed oh. Me sha I sat here in Bmore look at the walls oh. I am so happy that you had a good time sweetie.

Afrobabe said...

oooooooooohhh sounds like u had so much fun...the only way I can have that much fun in nigeria would be if my parents didnt know I was in town...lol...

Anonymous said...

the stripper part is kinder disturbing.

U had fun sha.

stripper to pastor Chris..na wa madam!

Elle said...

dudette your trip sounds fantastic i'm so jealous. meeting all them hot 9ja blogger boys hook a sister up :). jealous i am. like the sound laspapi :) miss the convos girl we must chat. :)

NigerianDramaQueen said...

babes you should seriously do the Paris thing for real. Let me know if you ever want info about programs, schools,blah blah blah

Risquediva said...

wow soo much fun it seems...like ds,detailing is d key

ebony said...

You said...."In my real world I probably would be wary of being her friend thinking she’s so good that she’d probably judge me (I’ve had many such experiences)… but would get to know her and absolutely love her."

I was driving home from work today and this statement of yours crossed my mind, just came out of nowhere. Why? I'm still trying to figure that out.

ababoypart2 said...

In summary - you had a blast

pamela said...

LOL!!!!!!

Naija Chickito said...

Sounds like you had loads of fun. happy for you.

Bold and Beautiful said...

Wow!!!!!!!!1 i could read this over and over again ..ur description is so lmaoooooooooing.

ibiluv said...

u sure had fun babe

In my head and around me said...

Blogger, what did you do with my comment? Well, to summarize, it said something along the lines of: Glad your trip was all that and more.

plastiQ said...

You were in Owerri? Thanx for letting all these 'Lagos na Heaven' people know how much fun can be had outside of Lagos. So, did u try the Shawarma at Channel O or the Agidi peppersoup at Iferenkwa in Orji or the Unkwobi and Ugba at Madam Pepsi?...As per d chicks checking u out...at least 82% of chicks in Owerri are bi-sexual. They'll step up to u anyday and ask u out,dem no dey hide am. Nice blog...will be back for more.

soupasexy said...

nice u had loads of fun...plus nice story teller too..lol

laspapi said...

Storm, you're such a liar! What do you mean by saying laspapi is "directionally challenged?" You had no idea where you were staying and I had to be asking everyone else for directions.

And you didn't say you tried to climb out of the car window when the OPC/Inter-tribal/Political 2-man conflict started and I tried to separate 'em.

Laughing so hard at the memory as I write, I have tears in my eyes.

Zephi Fahrenheit said...

wowwwww.......you finally did it..i thought this post will never happen...but it did and I enjoyed every bit of it, i read it twice...only you ONB will go to naija and find strippers that put ciggies in their coochie...bottle sef? you sure her vagina still has elasticity..lol.neways babes, I loved this post mehn...seems like your tres hot, all this advances you get from men...i guess your as hot as you write :)