Monday, September 10, 2007

Clive Owen,

Seeing as we will soon become man and wife… I’d love for you to tell me what name you’re most comfortable with… C? Cli? CliveO?

… after watching you last weekend in Shoot Em Up… I have decided you’re the one for me.

Boy you were FIRE!!! I have never felt so about a greasy dude in my life… something about your sexy tussled hair, that black coat, stubbly chin, intense eyes kept calling my name… and don’t get me started about the carrot
Boy the things you did with that carrot... you stabbed people with it… bored through brains… operated guns… locked doors… flipped stations… Beta Carotene never looked so good.

What sold me on you Clive was your unsmiling face through it all… the exact reason I thought Steven Seagal was the most gorgeous guy on the planet for years and years… non-smiling is a talent… an art if you will… and blessed are those who have it…

Speaking of talent… Clive you were perfection in ‘Closer’… even besides the flawless beauty of Jude Law… your gravelly smoothness was something to watch.

Shoot Em Up is possibly the best movie I have seen the entire year (yes I did watch Bourne Ultimatum). I usually hate it when movie commercial voiceovers call every summer movie a ‘non-stop explosive’ with ‘action that will have people gripping the edge of their seats’… but I find myself repeating those same words…
You had humour… dark humour… dirty humour… sarcasm… you were singing my life with your gun…

The dialogue was so witty… your comebacks I wanted to wear as a jacket. Each scene blended into the next one seamlessly… 90 minutes went by like 9… your reactions matched their actions…

Based on your performance in this movie... I have decided to pick up my cross and 20 pairs of my favorite stilettos and follow you… we’ll buy more along the way…

Ok so maybe the scene with the ‘air’ fight wasn’t that believable… but hey does anyone actually look for reality in movies other than ‘Harry Potter’ and ‘Lord of the rings’?

Clive for you I will step out of my comfort zone:
. I will cook your meals:
Jollof rice (Nigerian wikipedia calls it a fry-fry mixture of onions, pepper, tomatoes, chicken and rice with groundnut oil)

Omo tuo ni nkatie nkwanyi, a Ghanaian meal of rice balls and groundnut soup that is every bit as proteinous as it sounds…

Carrot- pineapple- coconut cake

Anything outside this menu… we’ll make use of the yellow pages or go to the Ivy(which I'd prefer actually)… just giving you a heads-up before you start expecting me to show up on movie sets with cupcakes and ‘caviar bolognaise’
This girl will not be ‘stepford-wifed’…

. I will bear your children… I’ll dress our first girl in orange nail polish and put black bows in her hair. She will compete in “So You Think You Can Dance’s” 28th season. The other children can figure things out for themselves as they go along

Clive I’m a very patient, very sweet girl… although I will not hesitate to rip you another hole if you decide to cheat on me with my sexy binshes Londonbuki, Idemili or Soul. I know you’re tired of British babes anyways with their nasal accents and ‘leek soup’ appetizers… I’ll feed you maple syrup and we’ll watch Ice hockey together and go for romantic rendezvous in Igloos up north….

I look great in yellow…

I have excellent retentive memory… I can actually recite Avogadros law in Yoruba…'avogadros law lo so wipe equal volume of all gases at the same temperature and pressure contain the same number of molecules’.

So I’m black… Nigerian to be exact… I heard you like blondes… but don’t worry. I have highlights… courtesy of afro-beauty supplies... and they come off too...

And most importantly… I can hold my liquor.

Let me know when you’re ready to announce our engagement… I want to book ad space in Ovation Magazine…


Your sugar…
Overwhelmed Naija Babe… you can call me Whelmed or Olive…

70 comments:

Mr. Back2Basics... said...

You can't be serious..
i am the first.
i'm a dude, and i do think clive's a good actor. Watched The_Inside_Man yesterday...
That was cool

Just passing by to say i like your style Naija

Soul said...

BASTARD!
WTF.. leek potato appetiser soup...
ahh dem done mix craze person inside your coconut cake!

WTF! leek ko.. leaky leaky ni!
abeg it's fish and chips all day every damn day...
Kai! See as you just diss me like that!
Aburo... it's morrasuckkkking WAR
And I don't even fancy Clive bloody Owen!
hmmph! you can have him, I already had him 7 ways from sunday. Twice on Monday and 3 times on sunday and that was when he was in his prime. I made him cry cos I made him bend over and take it heee hee heee
You can have him (blowing air on my fingernails... nonchalantly)..
oh and when you are 'having him' why don't you whisper the following phrase in his ear...

oh clivey....Dr. D pumper thinks it's time to play 'Ben Dover, Ben dover'

hee hee...
clive Owen.. hmmmph!

fluffycutething said...

ROFL.....

This gal, i wish i could give you a stern warning in Ibo to stop making me laugh, alas na only Yoruba and French i sabi speak...

Take time oh

That was absolutely hilarious, i rather like the part about "buying more silettos along the way"

Oh and am i first???????????

Aloofa said...

:)) LOL.

Chronicles of a Naija Lady said...

Lol!! Superb writing! Girl, I think you need to get in line o! There are so many women want the same thing. His wife is one very lucky woman.

:)

Zephi said...

chei,,Id be back to read this....school wan kill me, i don tire....This nite I'll update by gods grace...I did not leave any snapvine comment oh

bhookey84 said...

LOL ure just mad, didnt really fancy the movie but clive was jus heavenly , i love himmmmmmmmm

Nolé said...

U r such a silly girl. LOL. So cute! :)

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

Mr. Back2Basics: I love your based on the sole fact that Christina Aguileras latest album has the same title(without the mr. of course) and it’s one of my favorite albums… she ROCKS! Clive Owen is a sexy bastard… I will give up nail polish for that guy… haha… thanks for stopping by sweetie and have yourself a great day… cos I am… dang I look cute today…

Soul: egbon mi soul… so now just because we’re on the world wide web and no one can see your fidgety hands as you’re telling me these lies you want to deny that you’re a big fan of leek soup… that you haven’t used the said soup in romantic situations… that you haven’t recommended it to me as an excellent substitute for dessert… that you don’t have at least three packs sitting in your cupboard now now just waiting to be opened?! Egbon mi… please say the truth so that it can set you free… lol… you now want to come here and pretend you indulge in posh foods like we Canadians… abegiiiii… all you britico people… you can make a lot of noise elsewhere but me I sabi true… so it won’t work for me… fish and chips ko… cranberry hot sauce ni…

hold on oh… please tell me I didn’t read what I thought I read in that second paragraph… are you insinuating that you already had an affair with my Clive… oko mi atata… my sweet pineapple man… because if that’s the case… then don’t leave your house in heels for the next 4 weeks…

and I will have you know that Clive doesn’t bend over easy… (except that happens in the part 2…)

fluffycutething: hey darling… lol… you’re so cute… you sabi French self… me whey be Canadian self suppose dey bilingual but after I yarn bonjour and merci… my own train don stop be that… so how much do you charge for Yoruba and French lessons abeg? bcos I want to be fully prepared for my marriage with Clive… we will perform it in 4 different continents and I don’t want the flower people to cheat us… so I have to be very versatile… and who knows… Clive might even know Chico Ejiro… and possibly get me started in Nollywood asap… lol

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

Aloofa: (smile back)
Chronicles of a Naija Lady: thanks my angel… I hope you’re not style style telling me that you’re poking your eyes at Clive oh… cos despite the fact that I like you well well… we go battle am oh… and I went to the gym twice in 2002… so I’m physically at the top of my game… lol…

Zephi: no worries gorgeous… heya goodluck with the schoolwork… how come you’re already bombarded… didn’t school just start? The z that left that comment is so adorable… what a sweetheart…

Bhookey84: come oh… are we talking about the same movie here… the movie that made me pledge my undying love to Clive Owen… that you saw it and you didn’t fancy eat? Bhookey abeg wetin you chop for breakfast yesterday? NO CHOP AM AGAIN!!! anything you ingested or inhaled that can make you not recognize the perfection of Clive and that movie.. you should stay away from abeg… ahhhhnnnn…

Nole: lol… thanks but trust me… the feelings I have ehn… very strong oh… as in when I just hear the name Clive self my heart starts beating jigi jigi like a locomotive train… when you now add the Owen… chai… complete paralysis… LOVE is sweet oh…

Vixen said...

I thought you didn't cook? The movie was that good? Ima have to drag my man to go see it then.

nosa101 said...

hahahahahahaha


have you seen inside man?
he was badass in that movie

BiMbyLaDs** said...

lol.. foolish child.. how now?

catwalq said...

You can keep him as long as you realise that Gerard Butler is mine.
I don't play... men
U will put orange nail polish on your child? Overwhelmed!!!!
I am calling child pre-protection services.

~Mimi~ said...

you will feed him maple syrup?? hissssssss. girl you need to BRING IT!!!!

clive is foinnnnnnnnnnne

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

Vixen: lol… I don’t cook… so it goes to show how much in love I am with my future fiancé… lol… the movie was FANTASTIC… although you might wanna consult with bhookey cos apparently she watched it and didn’t think the same and I remember when I wrote a review of dreamgirls last year and some people watched it and thought it was iite… so maybe I love deeply things that others don’t… but yeah you should definitely go watch it… its great!!!

Nosa101: someone else talked about that movie as well… I’m gonna get the dvd or something then… CLIVE is just all-around-badass… ahhhhhh

Bimbylads: my bimby angel… you’re back ehn… welcome my sweetheart… you were missed… Im coming over for serious gist…

Catwalq: lol… emmm Gerard butler you can have… only because I imdb’d the guy and a lot of the movies he appeared in I never watched so I haven’t decided to fall in love with him… plus I’m a one man kind of girl… so for now it’s me and clive…07 bonnie and clyde.. oh my gosh I just rhymed… overwhelmed d o double gizzle in the house… haha… ahh.. a child with orange nail polish… fashionista from the get-go now… chineke… lol… you have to start them young my dear… lol… pre-protection… catwalq na craze dey worry you you hear me…

Mimi: me and you used to be very good friends… but this comment that you just came here and hissed on my page regarding my overwhelming love for Cli Cli… I think you need to do serious apology… I want body shop’s entire body butter collection cos I started using the vanilla recently and I’m in love… that’s the only way I will forgive you… cos any girl who pokenoses into my romantic affair… I will fight her outside in my brassiere… lmao… I just said brassiere… I’m becoming as razz as Idemili…lmao.

femme said...

haha!
finally overwhelmed something we have in common.
i don't go gaga over the British accent but oh, Clive Owens voice is pure silk.
i bet you'd like to dip him in some cranberry juice and 'have your way with him'
send my invite to the wedding, i hope i get to kiss the groom.

Jezi Brown said...

i like clive owen ! that deep broding aura . someone described him as that dark guy with many demons ! HAWT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zena said...

lmao,
Avogagros Law in Yoruba, your kid competing in so you think you can dance, your outrageous.

But Clive Owens hehehhh!lol

Zephi said...

My dear school don start and it has started with full force...it is not even funny

buhaaahaa...I dont even know who this clifford guy or is it clive?lol..
I'll google him.
this gayl...
"I have decided to pick up my cross and 20 pairs of my favorite stilettos and follow you… we’ll buy more along the way"

I smell some golddiggerishness in that statement.....lol
Abeg Bourne ultimatum was the shiznit mayne....

lol @ avargado's law.....you will not killl me oh....I cant even remember that stuff.....
so does clive love avagado's law...cosI dont see why it should be important in wooing him....

You for no yan say you be nigerian.....I am sure he has been watching the news about our fraudulent nature and might pass on you......
Africa will do...lol

love ya babes

'Sewa said...

Lmao, you berra wake up!

Unbiased said...

Olive you are stark raving bonkers!!! ROFWL!! You really kill. Your nice fantasy tirade is cool. I hereby encourage you to go after the guy jo. His days are numbered but be careful what you pray for. He may turn out to be an egbe in real life.

Arewa said...

lol.oh my gosh.... u crack me up.
I totally enjoyed reading ur blog.
I see u know ur food well well (Omo Tuo.
I love ur writting style. I WILL DEFINATELY BE BACK. X X XX

Naijadude said...

U are crazy with that post ooh... who teach u avogadro's law in yoruba sef? hahaha

Teediva said...

hmmpph *huffing n puffing* ask me why.

cos i'm just 'Teediva'. nothing else. everyone else is something more, y me now? *sob sob*

Mari said...

LMAO! OWNB, you are too funny. I fell in love with Clive Owen after I saw Closer - thats his best movie IMO. I thought I was in love with Jude Law but Clive Owen opened my eyes.

Kpakpando said...

buahahahhaha, I don die o. Now I must watch this movie o, if it's that serious for you to be writing epistles to him.

nosa101 said...

I can email you the movie if you want it

Anonymous said...

WTF?!! Ok, I thought your taste in music was wack and now you USED TO THINK STEVEN SEGAL WAS SEXY?!!!! Girl, are you totally crazy?

What is it? The hammy acting? The stiff, fake, extra-strong-undefeated-in-ridiculously-plotted films?

God! I should smack you! Then poor icy water over you and smack you again!

However....you have rectified it with your love for Clive, which we share [as well as the man himself. What? I thought we were friends?]

Bitchy said...

Lol @ Avogrados law. I thought you meant to say Avocado! Shows how much I know, ey? How've you been? I'm dying.... See blog!

LurLar said...

Lmaoooooo. You like am dat much? Wait oh...i hope he is not the one dat was trying to commit suicde? Not sure but i will find out sha.

Fatoumatta said...

ummmm so whos clive owen....sori dint ring...nevertheless,i feel u girl.i got smtin like that to D.Washington...lets just say he taks me to a world i've never been to,nd that worlds too fiiinnnnee...
shissshh...dnt tell ma bf i told u so...*winks

Uzo said...

You are too late love. He is already mine..Funny you should do this post..I just did my Hollywood hotness post and he makes the list...LOL

Favoured Girl said...

Overwhelmed, you are a real character, daydreaming and fantasising about Clive Owen! Well if you manage to get him, more grease to your elbows! (Or should that be "more stilettos to your closet" LOL). And please send me an invite to your wedding!

36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...

all i ask is that i be chief brides maid at the wedding, nkwanu? dont try snd relish my place to someone else o, i will do u jazz!!!

~Mimi~ said...

silly girl

i hissed because i told ya to bring it own. in case you havent realized, you will need to get to me to get to him..

girl i think that brassiere is on too tight

LAWLIN

p.s one jar of bodyshop's bodybutter is 10 pounds...comes in flavours that are undescribable...divine!! (ur gettin none by the way)

zeyi said...

HAHAH, girl you are not alone. I saw Shoot 'Em Up Last weekend too and it was great!

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

I have a friend who will fight you to the death when I send his to her. She claimed Clive first, oh....

Aijay said...

Lol. You are sick!!
Somebody call Clive. ONB is in luuurrrrve.

Idemili said...

oh, yeah anon 4:17 was I.

nikki said...

i thought i was the only one with a crush on clive. i see me and you gonna be fighting over that one...

3RS said...

lmao....hilarious mehn......im virtually rolln on d floor now....God!!!my sides re hurtn....

SET said...

LOL YOU ARE MESS. WHAT I SAW THE MOVIE PREVIEW, IT IS SO HOT ESPECIALLY THE PART WHERE HE SHOOTS THE FEUL TANK AND SLIDES UNDER IT, THAT WAS HOT. BUT U COOKIN AND GETTIN OUTTA UR COMFORT ZONE IS LOLLLLLLLLLLL

Zahratique said...

Hehe, this is serious!

kokolette said...

lol @ your avogrado law...hehehe, i was actually singing along too!
K, i have to go and watch this movie now.
'neways, how have you been? feels good to be back!

butterfliesandstars said...

Babe, i'm still here oh!!!
not really a movie person so i think the only one i've seen him in is inside man and he seems like a great actor, but he ain't all that...

Anyway, a lady can dream, can't she.

Hope you're good.

posting soon...

P.S. why are u still on with the carrot-coconut-pineapple cake - isnt that just a lil too much flavour?

Love you babes.

Ladi said...

Chronic cases of Jungle Fever!

Ladi said...

Chronic cases of Jungle Fever!

ChiefO said...

overwemed u no go kill person. so na clive u dey on now. after him who, jet li abi. hopefully everhing works out fine like cranberry hot sauce on mashed irish italian potato.

Kafo said...

LOL
I'm still laughing

I haven't seem the movie yet but last week i saw Children of Men and i have to agree with you CLIVE IS THE BOMB

now that being said

don't worry oooo i'm not trying to steal your man

TaureanMinx said...

You are still a clown lol. I will look for the movie. How are you sweetieeeeeeee?

Everyone Loves a Naija Girl said...

Hey! Long time!

And Clive Owen...he better watch out now huh lol. Look at all the things that you will do for him lol.

Afrobabe said...

ok,this are my exact thoughts about Collin Farrel and George clooney...we can have 2 cant we?

Collin Farrel made my blood hot in Alexander...

fluffycutething said...

Have u gone off and married the man without us????????

Even marriage is not a reason to not update please!!!

My friend we're waiting for d next write up abeg;)

confused child said...

hey ma update.

Elle Woods said...

lol..u need to back off my man clive!!!

badderchic said...

And i thought i was crazy. lol
always better out than in shrek says, abeg no forget to invite me fro wedding o! lol

Sarissa Carlsson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lost-not yet found said...

Hmmm... Nice of you too share your thots about Clive... he may be too hairy for u though...

Hope u r good

Zephi said...

ay bay bay...were u dey, update naw

Ms zee said...

most def your avrogadro;s law is wrong.. that is yoruglish...... t eheheheh how are you doing sugah!!!
and shoot em up was soo cool... "Eat your carrots, they are good for your eyes"

Omosewa said...

Oya o, update with immediate alacrity, i gave you a few days grace o. Wassup babe?:D

Walmart was on sale, 12 pack ocean spray cranberry(fertilty) juice, i bought 24, now i'm sick of it, lol.

catwalq said...

aunty it is called an update....haba!!!!!

Kpakpando said...

bia did clive read it and accept? ogini kwanu?

exschoolnerd said...

this love for clive owen is strong oh..is that why u hvnt updated since?

AIVY said...

Avogadro's law in yoruba? biko,what high school did you attend????
Orange nail polish on your child...no comment cos if i start with you eh,u wont like it oh!!!

pam said...

very funny

The shopaholic. said...

Hahahahhahahha this chick you don craze finish sha.

Vickii said...

Overwhelmed, you're crazy!! Lol, I totally feel you about clive owen though .... there are a few other hollywood hotties on my list before I get to him (Channing Tatum is top of the list)but I totally get you. Before I watched the new Bond and realised that Daniel Craig IS Bond, I thought they were making a grave mistake passing up on clive.

Can I come to the wedding please?

Daydah said...

If he were to read this, he would be overwhelmed, believe me...
If only we could love the next person this way.....
Haba! You know how to express yourself o, sista!

But that Avogrado's Law was not completely in yoruba oh