Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I’m Screwed

The boyfriend left about an hour ago for his sisters upcoming nuptials in Jamaica. He’ll be there for about 2 weeks. This is his second time back in 14 years, so he should have lots of fun.

It’s reading week so I’m back at my family home this week. He called my home phone this morning to say goodbye:

Kimor: Hey baby… I gotta go right now, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m gonna miss you terribly. I really don’t know how I’ll do the 2 weeks without you but I’ll call anytime I have a free minute from the friends and family. I’ll have you on my mind the entire time. I love you baby

Overwhelmed Naija Babe: I know

Kimor: I also wanted to let you know that I’ll never do anything to jeopardize our relationship cos you mean too much to me. In the meantime, keep that pussy tight for me.

Then my mom hung up on the other line

FUCK!!!


In the space of a 2 minute conversation, I have managed to confirm all her suspicions/nightmares… I’M NO LONGER A VIRGIN, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, AND HE IS JAMAICAN

Yup… I’m Screwed

62 comments:

Vera Ezimora said...

I'M FIRST AGAIN???

GEEE, WAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT THIS?

Vera Ezimora said...

SHOULD I START THIS ALL OVER?

Vera Ezimora said...

SHOULD I LEAVE ANOTHER COMMENT?

Vera Ezimora said...

SHOULD I HAVE MERCY AND STOP?

Vera Ezimora said...

PERHAPS I SHOULD GO ON.

SHOULD I?

Vera Ezimora said...

ON 2ND THOUGHTS, I SHOULD GO READ THE POST AND COME BACK TO COMMENT

Vera Ezimora said...

BUT B4 THEN, I SHOULD STOP TYPING IN UPPER CASE LETTERS

Vera Ezimora said...

ok, i hate stopped.

See???

Vera Ezimora said...

which do u like better? UPPER CASE or lower case?

Vera Ezimora said...

lemme just go read.

this is my 10th post. Hehehehe.

I'm good

Vera Ezimora said...

lol, ur mom picked up??

Oh God, that is soooo flippin awkward. Ouch!

How r u gonna look @ her again? Chei, this is something else o.

Overwhelmed, if it makes u feel any better, you should know it sucks to be u right now.

Okay... so maybe it doesn't make u feel better. But dang!!!

Let us know how the conversation with momsy goes

My Heart said...

Yeah girl!! You are screwed. lol. We will be awaiting details of your conversation with your mum.

My Heart said...

One more thing. Why didn't he just call your cell phone. kai. damn house phones.

Simply Gorgeous said...

ONB_ I see Vera has started again with her madness. But in any rate, Girl you are so screwed on so many levels. First, question why is your mother eavesdropping on your privacy?

2/ She has heard him say the P word and you not being avirgin.

3/ You know how Nigerians feel about dating non-nigerians.

so Yep it is confirmed you are royally screwed, literally. (smile)

Kpakpando said...

Well I hope momsie is happy now she has found what she was looking for. Ntoo :p

ONB never fear, shebi your momsie na Igbo woman, trust me she has mastered that thing called denial... even with the evidence in front of her face she'll still manage to convince herself you're an untouched flower. No shaking nne, just pretend u didn't hear her drop and play along. That's what me and my mom do. I'm 25, lived by myself for how long have gone on trips with my "friends" but I'm still her virginal daughter.

Kpakpando said...

oh yes and one more thing, biko if you're using the house desktop to update your blog, log out of your google account okay, mommy can only handle so much.

chicka said...

ur man shlda known not 2 be all xplicit on ur hse fone now..habba!. i feel 4 u o(lol) well u just gotta play along nd act lyk u dont kno wats up until she's ready 2 talk

Anonymous said...

Yup. Royally f***ed. :)

Nomad said...

ONB, as they say in Warri, 'Do'. It'll blow over. It might even lead to more intimacy between you and mumsy. Or on the other hand, it's difficult for mums to accept that their daughters are all grown; it invariably means they are growing old yaiks!

confusednaijagirl said...

sorry oh! let us know how it goes.

Mari said...

Oh shit and oh shit. First for me bursting into laughter after reading and second coz you are so screwed!!!

Twice in one day, reading your blog as gotten me the what-a-weirdo-look. This time its ure fault. I'll hold both you and vera responsible if i get into trouble. Maybe I should stop reading both y'all blogs at work - not likely!

I hope u can make it to the pc before your mother gives you amnesia. I can't wait. Sorry luv.

zeyi said...

mom probably knew something like that was coming, why was she doing eves dropping now. Kai. Did she talk about it yet? She might just avoid the whole thing cos she shouldn't have been listening anyways....

Icy said...

VBUhahahah lol why was ur mum on the other line??? lol hahahaha

RJ said...

LOL! Oh good lord. You mum heard that conversation? Hmm…what to do, what to do? Well this is what you do sweetie, DENY, DENY, DENY. Tell her pussy is an acronym for something. Or you could just tell her the truth and get it out of the way - I don’t quite recommend that, but when (if) you do just stand a couple feet away from her…safety reasons, those back slaps are hella painful.
Damn! Mothers are nosy as hell.

LOL @ Vera.

Flirtygucci said...

guess its time for u and mumsy to have 'THE TALK'...........lolllllll

Naija Vixen said...

i was cringn for you oh!ooh,hav you had the "convo" wiv ur mum yet???update this one fast oh!!!

Naija Sapphire said...

Awww damn! Are you freaking kidding me? Didn't you have your cellphone? I don't even allow my friends to talk on the house phone and if they call - i go outside to get it.

Girl, I hope you're okay and your mum doesn't go ballistic on you. This is really messed up. Is there a way you can manipulate the conversation to at least cancel the suspicion that you're not a virgin.

Please don't let her see this blog. If not your wahala will increase by a million folds.

LondonBuki said...

HA!!!!

Like some people have asked - hope you did not use the house computer to blog o!

Maybe she didn't really hear anything cos he was talking in a different accent?

Good luck oh and keep us posted.

As for Vera, you are definitely 'special'

kulutempa said...

LMAO...shet mayn...what a conundrum! did ya get those all-too-familiar guilty chills as you felt your brain spinning into momentary confusion? did you call on amadiora as you clutched at your hair with both hands? lol!

i hear that with the igbo momsies living in denial, though; one of my friends is a lesbian but her mom is still convinced that she's just looking for the right guy.

can't wait to hear how this ends...

Mad Hatter said...

Naughty, Naughty BF

Oh La la.......just remember the song by Shaggy "It wasn't Me".

When you are asked just sing it Gal.

Waffarian said...

I agree with Kpakpando, just pretend you don't understand! Pussy? he means the pussy(with naija accent)now! his pussy cat that you are suppossed to be looking after while he is away!as for all the love talk, you know Jamaicans and their slangs! I actually think you can pull this of!

Anonymous said...

it's pretty obvious that overwhelmed is a storyteller and tries to live her fantasies through this medeium. Your blog is pretty interesting and full of drama and i think you feed off it and tend to exaggerate your stories/escapades in order to fulfill 'dramatic quest'. Just writing 'bout ur boyfriend saying his goodbyes is not dramatic enough hence the need to add a twist to the tale i.e your mums hanging up. It's also quite surprising the way you quote ur conversation verbatim; i am curios to know whether this is down to ur brilliant memory or alternatively could it be that pen and notebook by ur bedside...? whichever, more grease to ur 'dramatic elbows'. Can't wait for the post detailing ur conversation with ur mum. Enjoy!!!
ps: call me a cynic but i must say that this is the blog/work of a fantasist/aspiring writer/playwright. U sure have a broad imagination.

Delilah 3 said...

Girl, just deny it. give your mom one fantastic network jargon, mothers always fall for dem lies. And if she doesnt, then babe you need to take a trip to Jamaica. Pls take Temmy along with you. She needs to smoke some kaya!!!!!

azuka said...

Chei! Well, nothing wrong with that :-D

Anonymous said...

i agree with the person that said "this is the blog/work of a fantasist/aspiring writer/playwright. U sure have a broad imagination."
IT IS SO OBVIOUS ALTHOUGH YOU ARE VERY INTRESTING.

Anonymous said...

I THINK YOU SHOULD WIN AN AWARD FOR "PROFESSIONAL LIAR/exaggerate stories in order to fufill "dramatic quest".
why not write a book instead.i bet it would sell.

Ineka said...

LMAO...so what did she say when you hung up?
I would have cooked up some story like..'we just bought a cat, and he wants me to take care of it for him..'

And LMAO @ these anonymous commenters. If e pain una reach, why una still dey read? Talk about an addiction.

Miss Pearse said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha................You are so...hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe....screwed...I so don't want to be you right now....haha...I can't stop laughing...Embarrased for u B. Ur mums will be aight...It was bound to happen sometime, but maybe not that gruesome.

Kafo said...

ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
mercy
u r in my prayers ooooooooooooooo

Ubong Da said...

Pele o!. Phones with extensions are very dangerous. I remember when my babe picked up the extension while I was gisting low tone with a fling, no be small wahala I entered o!, I go yarn the matter one of these days.

lets be hopeful here and pray that Mummsy of the older generation and wouldn't know what pussy is!!!!

bibi said...

eya..pele o...lmao at everyone giving her stunts to do... u go dey alrite..

btw...wat happened to mummy sunday now

mphae said...

HA!!!!!!
that's hilarious but sooo sooo sooo wrong!! LOL i can't believe that, oh well heres to not being a sweet angel to mommy stuvs!!!

TaureanMinx said...

Shet men shet!

temmy tayo said...

We need to take Vera to church fast!!

LOl at ur mum finding you out o.

As T mInx said. N areal shet!

omohemi Benson said...

Mamas and eavesdropping!
Just play along,like you didnot know that she was,and if time for talk come you go talk,might not be easy but it will blow over.

You are screwed temporarily.
Though I donot envy you right now.

chioma said...

he he he..you have been caught! don't mind me, yeah you have just broken her heart (lol). I guess she will get over it (after like 10 years!lol)
..a naija mum with 2 young daughters that lives in canada will def know that pussy aint a cat!
Now if she confronts you, don;t start with the invasion of privacy rant, remember we are nigerians.Just let her know she can trust you to make good decisions(can she?) and your still her baby girl.
take care darling!

Anonymous said...

PLEASE BUY A CELL PHONE!!!

Vickii said...

Ouch .. I can't imagine how awkward you'll feel around her now! Don't worry she'll probably do what most parents would in this situation and just pretend she didn't hear anything.

Uzo said...

Ehn? LOL. No way....What has the aftermath been like? I would just be soooo embarrassed...

Ms zee said...

damage control maybe??

mum, I am an adult now! that is if she threads on that road...

Ms zee said...

damage control maybe??

mum, I am an adult now! that is if she threads on that road...

Nyemoni said...

Hmmmm... just play 'it wasn't me' for her jo.. tell her she heard wrong. People who eavesdrop never hear anything good... You're screwd though..lol

God's child said...

abeg momsie is Igbo woman, why should she know what pussy is, and even then just laugh and say "pussy pussy, I dont know why people like cats pass human being sef"
she's an Igbo woman, she'll be in denial, just play along, unless she catches u doing the do in broad daylight.
who uses house phones nowadays sef?

zaiprincesa said...

lol..LMAo...e ya..tell her u're watching his cat while he's gone..lol

bimbylads said...

lol @ vera.. lol @ anonymous x2.. allow her now!! no be her blog? shioo!!

babe one word:Booosheet! lol.

update us o

londonnaijachic said...

am sure your mom won't make much out of this.I doubt if my mom know the meaning of that word. You should be fine.

Nanya said...

lol.

Favoured Girl said...

Awwww. I guess she had to find out sometime. Don't bring it up unless she asks.

Anonymous said...

To the other anonymous...why do you think she's making her stories up?Because your life is boring and uneventful it doesn't mean stuff isn't happening in other peoples lives. Your comment irked me because when I was younger and shit like abuse was going on in my life the people I told didn't believe me and said I was making stuff up. You are like those people. People like you are part of the problem and not the solution.

At OWNB...pele...this too shall pass

Noni Moss said...

LMAO - LOLLLLLLLLLLL

This is very funny - what happened afterwards? It happened to me too. First time I was in the living room sitting by the pc which is in a corner with the back to the door. I was talking to my friend about how I hadn't had se in a while (and it was getting too long) when i heard a noise and turned round to see my mum right behind me. Loll - soo not cool. I just started laughing uncontrollably with my friend and my mum didn't say a word to me.

Calabar Gal said...

Oh well, shit happens. She was listening so she should expect to hear some "oddities".

Diary of a Mad Soulful Sista said...

LMBAOOOO! WOREFA MANNN! LIKE UR MAMA NO KNO SAY U NO BE VAGIN! LOL, NO BUT NOW SHE KNOWS SAY U NO GET NAIJA BF! PELE, GOOD LUCK... (keep me updated abeg)