Sunday, January 21, 2007

Mummy Sunday 8

Inspired by one of my favorite bloggers LondonBuki, this is my eight Mummy Sunday post!!! This one is for every guy who doesn’t deserve my mommy… go on… get out!!!

Chasing Emeka Away
My mom met Emeka through her ex-best friend Aunty Ifunanya. Emeka came to Canada about 3 years ago. Apparently Emeka and Aunty Ifunanya went to the same high school in Nigeria.

I remember when Emeka started coming around our house. He was a bit fresh… I think he’d been here for only 6 months… the winter hadn’t broken him in yet. Mommy apparently agreed to date him because we seemed to like him(at least compared to every other dude). Yes, we used to like him… when we thought he was just going to be a family friend!

A few months into his visits, we started noticing ‘vibes’.


I mean the dude was around ALL THE TIME!!!
I’d go to school and come back…
HE WAS AT MY HOUSE
I’d step out to the convenience store, and when I got back…
HE WAS AT MY HOUSE!
I’d go shoe shopping, only to come back and meet him… AT MY HOUSE!!
I’d bloody wake up from sleep in the morning and… HE WAS AT MY HOUSE!!!

He even had a room in my house for crying out loud

I didn’t trust him… I mean the dude was about 4 years older than my mom and trying to start his life over(at forty something) and relatively new to the country. How was I to know he wasn’t just trying to use my mom to get his footings, papers… as well as her business and home?!?!

I was 17 and my younger sister Fire was 15.
He didn't even have the decency to talk to us about his intentions


There were just too many points on the ‘against Emeka’ line of debate:
1)My mom gave him his first job managing her new 'store'
2)All the furniture in his apartment came from ‘the store’, all the clothes in the closet were also from ‘the store’
3)He slept over at my house about 5 days in the week
4)He snored like a Kenyan Helicopter
5)He ate too much… his stomach was like a geepee tank… he was eating us out of house and home… I was cooking for 7 instead of 3 or 4!
6)He worshipped my mom(not in an ‘I-love-you’ boyfriend kind of way- but in a “you’re-my-meal-ticket’ kind of way)… and everybody could see it but her!
7)He even had a bloody key to my house and could just drop in anytime he wanted… MY OWN BLOODY HOUSE>>> imagine the rubbish!


I couldn’t respect the dude… I mean I understood the immigrant thing(I mean weren’t we all immigrants at some point or the other?), but what stopped him from getting a job elsewhere?
My mom signed his weekly paycheque… I mean she talked to him as an ‘employee’ at the workplace(and knowing my mom… she is a ‘work perfectionist’ and will take you to task if your work isn’t up to par) and a ‘boyfriend’ after work… TRIPLE EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Strike One was the ‘booty short incident’:
On a really hot summer night, I woke up from sleep to get a glass of water.
Mama Overwhelmed: Hey, how come you’re walking around the house naked like that
Overwhelmed: I’m not naked… I’m wearing shorts and a tank top
Mama Overwhelmed: Well you can’t be wearing your underwear around the house like that
Overwhelmed: Why not?
Mama Overwhelmed: Well, first of all we have a visitor…
Overwhelmed: Visiting whom exactly? Me I didn't invite anybody here oh. I mean how can somebody come into my own house and make me uncomfortable? Anybody who doesn’t belong here should pack their stuff and go home… I’m not in the mood to see anybody anyways. Besides, I was just sleeping and came down to get some water… so I couldn’t be bothered to find pants or something.

{I came back from school the next day and all my booty shorts and cleavage tops and short skirts were gone… my mom had suddenly decided that my clothes were ‘inappropriate’}
Years of shopping, hours spent trudging around malls for the perfect skirt, trips out of the city to find a perfect ‘Friday night shirt’… GONE FOREVER!
My money, my time, my effort… GONE!!!

That was when I knew I had to put something in motion… EMEKA HAD TO GO!!!

I made the plans with my accomplice (my younger sister Fire) and she executed them:
We started out with little things like putting too much salt in his food, my sister putting out her legs to trip him… just little things

Then came the second blow:
A few months later, my mom was trying to develop some business idea and she had to spend a lot of money for it.
She asked him for advice and he told her to go for it(probably to further his ambition and ‘climb up the ladder’… I mean he couldn’t be a' store manager' forever right?). She wasn’t sure how to get the money needed.

Mr. Genius Emeka told my mom to use the money she was supposed to use to pay for my tuition… that I could take a student loan… everybody did… and that I’d start paying it back when I graduated just like everybody else.

She used my money!!!
{I mean I'm not really mad at the decision cos she has to do what she has to do to put food on our table... but I couldn't stand the fact that he suggested it... slimy bastard}

I had to step up the game… this mother****** just had to go before he did any more damage

Plan B: to make his existence in our house a complete misery
We made up a code name for him. Anytime he’d pass by… we’d make a really loud snore sound
Actually Fire did that to alert me of his presence. Then we’d start speaking of a woman we knew who ate too much and snored like a donkey.
Overwhelmed: why do you think the lady ate so much?
Fire: She was used to drinking garri and salt for breakfast, so when she came across toast and pancakes, she couldn’t believe her luck. For her, life had just begun. So she ate and ate and ate some more.
Overwhelmed: So when she got full… what did she do?
Fire: She snored…
(and then Fire would make his dreadful snoring noises and we’d laugh until we fell on the floor… lol)

Note: we did this every single time he came around, which was very often… so he definitely heard this routine quite a bit. He even told my mom… lol… and she told him we’d come around.

NOT!

He also told my mom he was a little scared of me. It was obvious to him that my sister didn’t like him, so he was at least aware of what she was capable of and could work with that. But me… I laughed and smiled like nothing was wrong… but the look in my eyes sometimes… he knew I was capable of terrible things… lol.

APPARENTLY NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM TO LEAVE OUR FAMILY ALONE!
We kept torturing him in little ways but he refused to get a clue.

The final blow for him was 2005 Christmas:
My mom went to Nigeria and he went to drop her off at the airport. He came back to our house and I’d locked him out. He obviously had a key, but I had put on the chain deadbolt, I mean it was time for this guy to just go back to his apartment. I WAS PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN!

He rang the doorbell but we put on loud music and ignored it. I came downstairs a few minutes later and he was still ringing the doorbell. I walked past the door. I know he saw me and he knew that I knew that he saw me. Then about 3 minutes later, I called my sister Fire to go and open the door for him.

Immediately my mom came back from Nigeria… they broke up… apparently we were terrors!
Oh the joy!!!!!!!!!!!!


The ‘official story’ is that I’m wicked and he couldn’t take it anymore.
The honest truth is that Emeka had started disconnecting since my mom’s “store” fell apart. It hadn’t been generating revenue for almost a year and she was tired of ‘carrying’ it, so she sold.

After over 2 years of my mom’s hospitality, Emeka found himself in the job market. I can’t even begin to imagine how scary that was for a forty something year old man.
He started coming over less and talking back to my mom sometimes.
Things fell apart when the ‘center’ could not hold!


Chances are if you’re in the Igbo community in Canada, you’ve heard the story of the terrible duo… Overwhelmed and Fire
Emeka never tires of telling people what a terrible family we are… all this coming from the guy who wanted to be our ‘step-father’…
He tells them how much he 'didn't benefit' from my mom is to which she simply responds: “I am a woman and expect to be taken care of and spoiled by a man… not the other way around

What Sort Of Man Runs His Mouth Like That Anways?
A man like Emeka that’s who… we later found out that this was how he went through life… looking for comfortable women and living off them… he didn’t know the family he was trying to mess with… Plus he’s mad cos I’m guessing it’s probably been a long time since he had toast and pancakes for breakfast… SNORING FOOL/ BLOODY GOLDDIGGER!!!!!!

I might become a Medical Doctor in the future. I might find the cure for cancer, help in eradicating world poverty, or possibly even find a way to restore Stevie Wonders eyesight… but one of my proudest accomplishments will always be “CHASING EMEKA AWAY”!!!

55 comments:

Richie154740 said...

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mimi said...

hey me second..yipee!, wadup gurl. i was really diggin that post and tho i have not had those stepfather_wannabe xperiences, i certainly have had my moms-friend-wannabe issues, more grease 2 ur elbow, its definitely an acheivement..lol

Mari said...

lol@ Emeka, wat a looser! Good thing he didn't ruin stuff for mum and her life. She's a strong lady. Must be where you get your strenght from.

Gucci said...

lollllllllll, reminds me of junior in 'problem child'

Ms zee said...

brahahahahahaha ! ha! ha!! ha! ha! ha!..... That was soo funny. I have missed mummy sundays..

brahahahahah!!!!

Young Miss Williams said...

That thing your sista and you used to do every time he come round had me in stiches girl!

x mwah x

Vickii said...

Lolll at this post .. we finally see ONB's bratty side ... like Gucci said, Junior in problem child!

Good riddance though, and Emeka obviously deserved it but I couldn't help laughing the entire way through this post!

Hope there are no more Emekas in your life!

laspapi said...

oh boy, Fire and Storm. I actually felt sorry for Emeka at some point in the story.

I guess men who in the future think of dating women with teenage children would have learnt a lesson from this...
Rule No.1- Kill the kids!

I've dropped the reasons for 'Storm' on the blog now, you take good care, love.

Akin said...

Gosh! You are utterly, utterly terrible and that just makes you adorable.

I do not think you should be encouraged, but that man really had it coming - Yuck! Some men really make my skin crawl.

Mrs Somebody said...

Good riddance to bad rubbish there!Emeka was just a huge pest that's all.Funny way you gals dealt with him and I think he truly deserved it.lol.

Anonymous said...

I looooove your writing. Nice accomplishment...chasing Emeka away. I just hat lazy guys who just want to live off women. tsk tsk. so not good.

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

Finally a mummy sunday post. Lets just pray that such men dont come our way. Your mum deserved better.

Nilla said...

ONB, only you knows how someone snores like Kenyan helicopter!!!...LOL

Well what do I say, congratulations on "Chasing Emeka Away"!

Hope you're having a wonderful weekend?

azuka said...

He snored like a Kenyan Helicopter.

It's official! You're really bonkers! I love the way you and your sis handled him though...

chainreader said...

tehehehe! poor Emeka didn't know what he was signing up for when he tried to pry his way into your family! looks to me like you girls were looking out for your mum! good job.

Mphahlele said...

LMAOOOO awesome!!!!!!!

beautyinbaltimore said...

Thank God your mother got rid of this loser.
How can a man face the mirror after living off of a woman anyway.

angie said...

lol@locking him out of the house. He was wise to be reali scared of u.Can't imagine the shock on his face wen u locked him out...lol

Guy Horny said...

ONB! I wouldnt want to be on your wrong side o!

But thats good for th guy, he should go learn to be a woman

BabaAlaye said...

Haba! You too wicked!!!

Snore like a Kenyan Helicopter...
hehehe.

Funmi said...

geepee tank lol! that's a good one.

thanks for posting a mummy sunday :).

LondonBuki said...

LOL!!!!

You and your sister really dealt with him!

Naijadude said...

LOL you are just plain crazy.... This girl u don kolo big time oh.

And thanks for the havoc caused by you on saturday, "homeboy" dey look/ask of you badly, luckily enough I don show pictures.....LOL (Dont do that next time)

exschoolnerd said...

u are a what? a terror.But i have a feeling ur sister is alot more terrorising than u are..lol u guys are wicked sha..but he deserved it sha..i can imagine if it were my mum he was tryna play like that.he'd have run mad sef.

UnNaked Soul said...

lmao... kenya helicopter ke?! lol... omo your mouth ehn...

nice one...

You haven't done the meme oh...

LittleGirlLost said...

Emeka te he he...snigger

Naija Vixen said...

OhmyGod!you guyz were terrors men,wuld luv my kids to be lyk u and ur sis...at least that way i know you guyz would always luuk out for me!Good one gurl!

temmy tayo said...

I think i need to recruit you and your sis to help me deal with a situation that is on ground. Will keep you posted.

Honey-Libra said...

LOL first time by and that story had me crackin up LOL

Jem said...

guys like that are never any good ...

tiwalade said...

Gosh! you and your sista were the ultimate terror squad! You guys sure had fun dealing with the guy. The agbaya thought he had hit jackpot!Good thing you showed him out!

Anonymous said...

how is it only u that had drama like this- me thinks ur makin this ish up!

Naijalove said...

girl you are crazy! well not like we didnt already know but yup yup!
Nonsense he would have made a useless step dad

Kafo said...

standing ovation
for real
lol

Maiden Voyage said...

You certainly got your "Mission Accomplished." LOL!! He deserved everything he got - I hate petchers. Bloody liabilities if you ask me. But you and your sis are the ultimate tag team. Thank God the ingrate fled - LOL!!!

Belle said...

you are something else. lololol

yankeenaijachick said...

Now this is one funny story that l can't stop laughing at......reminds me of my mother right there. She would do anything to accomodate anyone.lol. Well, in naija , we had to give our mallam food , 2 househelps, aunts, uncles, everyone sleeping in our house. lol lol. Feeling ya on that poing..............did l forget driver .lol

ChiefO said...

at least u no baff am with hot pepper. abi put laxatives in his efo riro. abi se na afang soup u tell me say u wan cook for am.

Calabar Gal said...

Naughty, Naughty!!! You caused untold heartache to ur mummy during the tenure of her romance with Emeka but I'm sure we all can look back now and say confidently - GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!

Confessions of a moody crab said...

LOL!! Babe...that was some terror there. If only I can do the same things to get that STEPMONSTER of mine out of my family. She is nothing but EVIL PERSONIFIED!!

Vera Ezimora said...

Outta all you said, you know what's funny 2 me? Your sister's name is Fire. LOL

Well, I'm glad ur mother got out of it. If it's meant 2 be, it will be.

babe said...

ALL I CAN SAY IS.....LOL...thankfully, i never went through the same thing or it would have been home alone part 5 men....emeka keh....hahaha.....welcome back mummy sunday!!!!

The Mistress said...

You and your sister sound pretty sinister!

ROFL!

Favoured Girl said...

I had to laugh while reading this post. You and your sister must have really disliked him! Glad your mum is well rid of him, thanks to you!

Queen Ebong said...

You and your sister, you are both terrorists.

lol at snorring like a kenyan helicopter.

I enjoyed this post.
You make my day anytime

Bee said...

I LOVE..LOVE ..LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!. Keep em coming girl :)

Uzo said...

You chased Emeka away...LOL. YOu this mischevious child.....

The Professor said...

My oh my! I certainly wouldn't have wanted to be in his shoes!

belissima said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
belissima said...

What a wimp of a man....job well done!

Thoughts said...

You write crazy but good, I guess you know that already.U got a lot of traffic. U go girl

acolyte said...

He snored like a Kenyan Helicopter
What did Kenyan helicopters ever do to you?Lol
Nice post!

Omohemi Benson said...

Overwhelming fire,I hail una o!
Your mom is very lucky to have 2 super heroes,who have got her back.

Diary of a Mad Soulful Sista said...

chei! now i'm almost scared to have u as my iyale! look wetin u did to de poor man!

Idemili said...

God, you're hilarious!!! Would team up with you anyday.
About the 'Otu ocha' thing, do you know? I thought 'Otu' was another word for 'Amu'. I didn't know it was pussy. Thanks girl...even though, I shouldn't be learning bad bad things, LOL!