Thursday, January 18, 2007

Dirty African Hobo Guy

I woke up on Wednesday last week and I just looked in the mirror and thought to myself… babe you’re pretty. (lol… have you ever had one of those moments? When you see what everybody else sees in you?!... No? lol… well I did last Wednesday).

So I decided to get a new pair of shoes to celebrate this (not that I need a reason to buy shoes anyway).

I was at the subway, waiting for the bus to take me to the store, minding my own business… when a dirty African hobo guy started walking down the subway stairs.

How did I even notice a Dirty African Hobo seeing as I was ‘busy minding my business’?

I’ll tell you how:

Dude was walking down the stairs, clutching his waist and grunting ‘yay, ouch, ay, ouch, oh, ay, ouch’

Lol… seriously… I couldn’t believe my ears… I mean if I was hearing this behind closed doors, I would think it was a grandpa due for a hip replacement still trying to catch some ‘senior doggy style’.

Anyways, everybody turns to look at the dude cos it was pretty loud and strange… I mean seriously who does that.

So I was still standing there waiting for my bus, ‘minding my business’

Guess who walked up to me?!?!

He walked right up into my face: I could see he was African (probably Somalian or Ethiopian), he was old (as in older than my mama old… 50? 60?)… had some gray hair, was wearing dark dirty clothes, looked like he’d worked a triple 8 hour shift at the factory(yes… 24 hours straight… you couldn’t look that bad working anything less than 24 hours straight!)

Anyways, he gets right in my face and opened his mouth to the ugliest and dirtiest teeth I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing in my life. They were dark/yellowish black?/ uneven, somewhat smelly… and worst of all he had a gob of something on his lower teeth. A very dark gob that looked like a clop of burnt fried plantains glued there… it was scary.

I’m a tall girl… I was even taller than this guy but I was scared out of my mind… I mean this was a public place for chrissake but I almost couldn’t breathe… Mr. Hobo Man was reeking and ugly… and just unpleasant looking.

Dirty African Hobo: Hi, you’re beautiful

Overwhelmed: Thanks

Dirty African Hobo: you’re really beautiful

Overwhelmed: Thanks a lot

Dirty African Hobo: Are you married?

Overwhelmed: Well um

Dirty African Hobo: I want to marry you

Overwhelmed: What?

He inched even closer… the man was like just a breath away from me… and I was looking around for someone to help/rescue me… but every one gave him a wide berth… it was me against Mr. Hobo Man

Dirty African Hobo: Yes I want to marry you… I’m a chemical engineer and I’m making $24 dollars an hour. I have all this money and no one to spend it on… I want to marry someone I love and take care of you as my wife… so are you married?

Overwhelmed: Yes, I’m already in the process of getting married
Dirty African Hobo: You look so nervous… you keep wringing your hands and shifting and picking your sweater and moving away… don’t be nervous or scared of me

Overwhelmed: um… I’m ok…

He inched even closer if that was possible

Dirty African Hobo: Yes… you are too young to be married. So did this guy actually ask you to marry him?

Overwhelmed: yes

Dirty African Hobo: And you said

Overwhelmed: yes… in a little while

Dirty African Hobo: you’re really beautiful… you should go to school instead of getting married

Overwhelmed: I do

Dirty African Hobo: I want to marry you

Overwhelmed: …..

Dirty African Hobo: I’m from Africa and I saw you from the stairs and I want to marry you. I can do black magic… I’m from Africa

At this point I was almost wringing my sweater off… and the scariest part was that I wanted to move away but this guy looked downright demonic… I mean I wondered if he’d kill me or something if I told him to go away… I mean I knew if I walked away he’d follow me….

Then... my saving grace:

My boyfriend called my cell phone…. Lol… you should’ve seen the speed with which I picked up the phone. I never pick up that fast even when the Chinese people are delivering my Satay Beef!

Overwhelmed: Hey Baby, I missed you, I wanna see you… I can’t wait… baby um

(In the meantime… Dirty African Hobo was just looking me up and down… his eyes were shooting sparks forreal)

Boyfriend: lol… are you alright?

I slowly walked away and fortunately my bus came so I quickly walked away from Dirty African Hobo guy who kept squinting his eyes at me

Needless to say, to make up for the terrible encounter, I ended up getting 5 pairs of shoes instead of one… lol… what can I say… I needed to be surrounded by pretty things at the time… and trying those shoes on and taking them home definitely did the trick.


LondonBuki said...

Now, that's nasty and scary... thanks for the description of his teeth, now I feel like puking! Yuck!

Thanks for your get well soon message, I am almost BACK! :-)

angie said...

I would have started crying immediately he spoke to me.
Now i will probably have nightmares from ur description of his teeth!!!

exschoolnerd said...

lol..u needed to be surrounded by pretty things.Lol that must have been scary..specially when he said he did black magic..thatd be the point were id start backing the f up...glad nothing crazy happened sha..

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@LondonBuki: lol… my dear you just have to see his teeth to believe them… they were straight out of a horror movie!!! Heya… I’m glad you’re back and recovering sha… I missed you sweetie

@Angie: lol.. if you’re disgusted reading about the teeth… then how do you think I felt with them just a few centimeters in front of me… I took three showers when I got home… I felt vile/violated… imagine… proposing marriage… with that kind of teeth and body odour… some people just kill me sha… him look me from head to toe finish oh… wetin concern agboro with overload?

@exschoolnerd: lol… trust me babe… if you saw what I saw… you’d buy yourself a brand new car if you could afford it! The black magic thing… I almost fainted oh… make person no do me ‘you-go-love-me-by-force’ charm… lol… did you ever hear of that handkerchief back in Naija… if guys open the thing for you… you just fall for them instantly… lol… that’s what me I was sha thinking oh. I couldn’t back up cos I thought he’d just do something crazy… I’ve never been that terrified by a total stranger before(I was gonna say anybody ever… but then there’s my father… which is a story for another post… lol… do I ramble or do I ramble?)

Favoured Girl said...

Gosh that experience sounds so creepy! Glad you were "saved by the bell"! LOL @ buying 5 pairs of shoes to delete the horrible memory. See what your extraordinary beauty has caused now?
(Meanwhile yesterday a delivery driver to my office was winking at me....)

Vickii said...

Aww, that's a really scary encounter ... I'm glad you're okay.

Lol at buying 5 pairs of shoes ... I think you might be rivalrying (is that even a word) Noni Moss for the shoe-aholic crown!

Young Miss Williams said...

Girl, why did you entertain him?! :P You should have walked away and ignored him completely!

And I don't think 5 pairs will ever be enough ;) Lol!

x mwah x

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Favoured Girl: You have no idea just how creepy… lol… extraordinary beauty ke… na only me dey for there…he should’ve gone and met other ‘fine babes oh’… and to think I as feeling sexy with myself before the man now proceeded to ruin my day! Lol… no be small oh… so your beauty is capturing your delivery man ehn… but the man sha has ambition oh… hehe

@Vickii: Yeah I’m ok… I was a little shaken forreal… I swear… I’m gonna do a google search for ugly teeth and see if I can find anything that might show the horror I saw in that man’s teeth! lol@rivalrying... If beyonce could get in with bootylicious… why not you? Noni Moss is a shoe addict like me abi? Don’t worry by the end of this year, I’ll beat her record!!!

@Young Miss Williams: I didn’t entertain him… it was one of those situations that I felt like if I walked away he’d do something terrible to me… I look back on it now and I realize I should’ve… but at that time I was terrified so I just kept trying to take a step backward… and yes you’re right… I’m just waiting for you to western union money transfer me $600 then I’ll spring for a couple more… and don’t forget to include the secret question and password. Don’t worry… you’re helping humanity… everytime I wear it… I’ll walk instead of taking a cab or bus(thereby saving the ozone layer)… And since humanity depends on the environment… you’re indirectly contributing(lol… you like the derivation equation I did there… I always loved calculus in high school you see… lol)

Noni Moss said...

Loll - babe it's not that easy to beat my record. Lots of people have tried ... ;-)

You must be really hot stuff for "yah,oh, ouch, yah" to want to marry you off the bat! LMAO. Pele. Your boyfriend must have cracked up.

Dont worry - everytime you rock your new shoes, the pain, the smell and the vision of those rotten teeth will fade away little by little. $24 engineer my ass!

Nyemoni said...

LOL! Dirty African Hobo.. hehehe I see that type on the streets of Lagos regularly... but they never walk up to me! As soon as I see them, I scram...

Ny gal said...

Girl are you outta your mind lol!! I would walked away immediately..I cant believe you actually had a convo with him. Please be more careful.Hobos are notorious for stabbing and pushing people on to train tracks!.Please run away the next time it happens.

Naijalove said...

Ewww, some nerve!!
Girl I pray Angela is hanging in strong, she's in my prayers

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I'd rather not think about it.what a way to forget a bad experience. Maybe I should try that. Stay blessed.

UnNaked Soul said...

LMAO!!! I go die oh! so you sabi fear like this... LOL.

I usually have this laugh once in a while that those girls that confess their heart to me and I told them to get a life instead of wasting it with me, would come and give me something and I would wake up in my 50-es to this woman and 3 three kids calling me daddy and saying good morning pops! yeparipa!!! LOL!!!

Elle Woods said...

ok the demonic part was hilarious.
You should move to these parts..the crazy ppl here will scare the crap outta you.

chainreader said...

hehehehehe. it wasn't the poor man's fault. you overwhelmed him with your beauty. am sure he took one look at those long endless bow legs of yours and said," i've gotta make her my woman!"

hope angela's better. i tried to drop a note on that post but blogger wouldn't let me.

stranger said...

girlfriend, you've got drama...u should sign up for a TV Show..your life would make a great story line..

azuka said...

What kind of creature was that? Are you sure he wasn't a mad man?

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Noni Moss: lol… e dey like say your shoe record na killer oh… let me know what I’m working with here… 70’s, 80’s… 100’s… lemme know (cos if that’s the case… you’re already 20 steps/shoes ahead… lol). lol… hot ke… don’t mind the man jare… he was just fumbling around look for someone to hypnotize with his black magic and as I long so… I guess that caught his eyes(lol… all that and I’m sorta cute… how could he resist… lol.. don’t mind me jare!) my boyfriend was laughing his head off like dang girl I never knew you could be scared by a dirty smelly guy… I still haven’t heard the end of it! EXACTLY… $24 engineer my ass!!!

@Nyemoni: lol… my dear you’re so extremely lucky and on the regular I could’ve ignored him but this one looked like he’d do something terrible to me if I so much as stepped away… I don’t know man… it was scary!

@Ny gal: in hindsight, that’s exactly what I should’ve done… but at the time my heart was pumping like locomotive train… lol. Oh whao… stabbing? Pushing? I never thought that far… next time… I’m running… 3 inch stilettos and all

@Naijalove: Amen… thanks love… and yes you’re right about the dude… EWWWWW… I’m coming on your blog now now for some detailed Dr. Emeka gist… lol…

@The Life of a stranger: Thanks mami… I’m trying to forget that ugly image

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Unnaked Soul: lol… leave me jo… if you saw what I saw… you for fear too oh… hehe… this your dream self… na only you but what is wrong with that anyways… it’s when you wake up to 14 kids calling you daddy that you have cause to panic… hehe… can I be a godmother?!?!

@Elle Woods: dang… forreal? I couldn’t possibly stand it… I remember when I was going to check a place with my sister and all the people around were crack heads and fiends… I was so nervous around there… crossing the street anytime I could… argghhh

@chainreader: lol… you’re right oh… I was looking cute sha so I only 90% blame him… hehe… but still he should’ve just submitted his resume like everybody else instead of getting all up in my face like that. Thanks for the prayer for my friend… I appreciate it.

@stranger: lol… me? drama? No ohhhhhhh… hehe… come to think of it… it might be a good idea… but an even better one… my dream for the past 2 years is to act a nollywood movie… hehe… I always wanted to ‘come back from America’ and dazzle them with my ‘fone(phonetics… lol)’… the only thing is that I won’t live in the village prior that or do any fetching of water or not wear any shoes, or be really poor or have to kiss Segun Arinze… anything else… I can ACT!!! Hehe

@Azuka: lol… you summed it up perfectly… he was really a creature… come to think of it now… I think he’s one of those ‘over-educated’ people… you know the ones who’ve studied so much that it’s turned their brain… and they become slightly ‘kooky’

bhookey84 said...

lol, dats nastyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ewwwww, workin in my field, i see all sorts but ure vivid description jut made me

Confessions of a moody crab said...

Babe!!! you should have warned us beforehand abt how nasty this post would be!! Burnt plantain..eewww!! Besides, why were u looking inside his mouth? Tafiroro..asili... Now I'm scared for the whole of this week! LOL!

Vera Ezimora said...


Ndo o! That couldn't have been fun, lol.

Hey, why didn't you put pictures of the shoes? Lemme see if there is one I want for my birthday. Hurry up!

i c y A F R I C A N A said...

Hahahah lemme recover... Wut if it was the angel of God buhahaha lol! you just f-ed up babz lol kidding... you were being polite how sweet... and the shoes babz! 5. YAY!

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Bhookey84: lol… pele oh… if you get to see stuff like that even once a week… I just hope they’re paying you enough oh… cos damn that was just unpleasant and plain unnecessary!

@Confessions of a moody crab: lol… I’m serious… you have to see it to believe… in fact lemme see if I can find a picture that might do the description justice(at times like this I really wish I knew had to do cool photoshop stuff)

@Vera Ezimora: My dear it so wasn’t fun… in fact when it was happening… I was just wishing it was happening to you instead of me. lol… I have no digital camera to snap the pictures but I’ll go and see if I can download the pictures from their website. And for special effects I’ll find a nasty picture of an old guy to show the need for those shoes!

Bella Naija said...

"… I mean if I was hearing this behind closed doors, I would think it was a grandpa due for a hip replacement still trying to catch some ‘senior doggy style’"

U r TOO FUNNY this babe
mennn tht must have been some traumatizing experience!
Anyways, glad he didnt try to kiss u lol ewwwwwwwwwwwww

I know your friend Angela who you referred to in the previous post will be healed and have a successful operation AMEN

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@icyAfricana: lol… I’m pretty sure the angel would’ve asked me for food or water or something… not for marriage(I think… lol… except there’s now a new tactic that I still don’t know about! ) yes mami… 5 oh.. and they’re all cute… I’m gonna see if I can find pictures of them online to post(seeing as I don’t have a digicam) and please babe put something on your blogpage… lol

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Bella Naija: lol… I know you were using style to imagine the sounds of that ‘senior doggy style’… lol… and yes it was that bad!!! Ewwww.. if he’d tried to kiss me… I would’ve killed myself with a pencil immediately I got home!... Thanks for your prayers gorgeous… I appreciate them!

Jem said...

Eyaaaaa ........ the dude must be lonely

9jamommy said...

that's crazy, I'll have been so scared, I guess that's what happens when you're super

I never pictured you to be sound like a trouble-maker, trouble-makers are almost always short..

chicka said...

i can almost swear ur encounter sounds just like mines. i kno d feelin gurl, trust.d guy is so creepy dat ur scared if u walked away he'l prolly pull u back, run afta u or some crazy shit lyk dat(LOL)by d way im luvin ur blog.

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Jem: lol… you’re so compassionate sha…

@9jamommy: lol… super fine for where… (lol… don’t mind me jare… I’ll take the compliment). Hehe me I’m not a trouble maker oh… I’m 5ft11 sweet, non-troublesome and very very… non-troublesome… hehe

@chicka: lol… EXACTLY!!!! That is Exactly how I felt!!! Lol… you could only know that when you’ve been through it too… Thanks for coming through…

laspapi said...

"I'm African. I can do black magic". That was a good one. Apparently, he becomes a marabout after leaving the day-job where he engineers chemicals off his own unwashed body.

Glad you're back to your "writing best", also glad you got away from him unscathed. I could see the dead-beat joe thro' your words.

Take care, love.

Lee said...

LOL.. LOL.. what an experience.. I can just imagine the speed at which you took off.. reminds me of the times Ive bumped into psychos and the next thing that comes to mind is looking for an escape route..hahaha.

They're everywhere..
and LOL@ the I can do Black Magic..

bhookey84 said...

LOL, they dont pay me o but thanks for the compliments mehn, i swear im sure ive told u b4 sha but i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ur blog tho, being the blog addict i forgot the things i do so if ive said it b4 , forgive my redundancy ehn..........take care

Naija Sapphire said...

I don't even know where to start laughing from. Eya, Sorry. He might be dirty, african and a hobo but we know one thing

He has good and perfect taste in women.

nosa101 said...

Be happy......when he doesn't find you attractive, you'll know you need surgery

Nilla said...

Funny and scary @ the same time...

LonelierThanAkon said...

Real beauty is on the inside.

Mayb the "African hobo guy" is terrific at everything else, except looking/smelling good.

Besides he does black magic, perhaps one kiss would have transformed him into (insert favorite black celeb here).

At the risk of sounding nonconformist, I want so say that I'm all for the "Dirty African Hobo Guy"!

Big up to you bro. Keep searching!

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@laspapi: lol… writing best… you think so? Lol.. don’t mind the chemical engineer jare. Take care of yourself too… hope the plays coming along… can’t wait to read it… or at least some part of it… but I hope that’s not bad luck or something cos if it is… then I could wait until after the play’s performed

@Lee: My dear… I was walking as if my heels had springs in em… lol… my dear no be small oh… and why on earth was he telling me he could do black magic… abi was he planning to use me for ‘sacrifice’?

@bhookey84: heya… then I hope it all pays off in the end sha… you’re in science huh? Awwww thanks luv… went on your blog for the first time today and I’m definitely loving it… don’t worry… I’ll be stalking your blog for updates from here on it… thanks luv… take care of yourself too… I hope you’re alright… and my dear no be only get serious blog addiction oh

@Naija Sapphire: lol… awwwwww…. You’re soo sweetttttttttt… in fact now you make me want to sing a special song for you… Naija Sapphire… you’re soo sweet… sweet like pineapple, sweet like syrup, sweet like sugar, sweet like honey… so sweet(lol… I ran out of words!... but you get the idea)

@Nosa101: lol… that’s so true… and by the way you’ve got me watching kiss kiss bang bang… so I’ll tell you what I think of it when I’m done… cos I only just started but I will say.. Robert Downey junior has fantastic wit… first time watching his movie… definitely won’t be the last… lol… the scene where he burst in on the acting scene is ingenious. And he told the girl that he ‘invented dice’ back in the day… does it get any better? Lmao… hope school is kicking

@Nilla: my dear no be small oh… hopefully that won’t happen to me again anytime soon.

@LonelierThanAkon: lmao… I knew that if everybody else saw my pain being faced with this Dirty Hobo guy… that only you lonely will be the one to support his cause… lol… you crack me up every single time!

Ineka said...

Eeek! Girl, I'd have muttered some excuse and got to stepping.
Amen to 5 pairs of shoes, you know a girl can never have too many. ;)

kulutempa said...

LMAO!! that's hilarious...and when he said "i can do black magic", you didn't run. you sef, you no serious. you take the prize for Approached by the Freakiest of the Freaks...and i thought i was unlucky.

tiwalade said...

Dirty african is so lame,I mean who would get a wife by saying "I can do black magic… I’m from Africa"?????
u were really saved by the bell and thank God your bus came on time if not how would you have escaped?

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Ineka: babe it wasn’t that easy oh… me I thought the guy would kill me or something if I moved away… yes mami… the more shoes the better… by the way… I’m in love with your blog… wish I could leave comments… so remind me again why you haven’t switched to blogspot?

@kulutempa: lmao… my dear no be small… I mean if this was the first time I’ve met such a weird character… I’d say it was just a one-time thing… but considering it’s happened a number of times… I’m beginning to suspect that maybe… just maybe there’s some light shining on my forehead that attracts them oh!

@tiwalade: lol… that’s the question I would’ve asked him if I was willing to smell more of his ‘mouth reek’… hehe.. thank God for small miracles that my boyfriend called me when he did and the bus arrived when it did. Happy New Year sweetie… long time

Mona said...

lolll what's a Hobo? Maybe you should've ja'd the guy face...did u say $24? At least u can whiten his teeth etc. and the black magic will come in handy - JOKE!

5 shoes abi? Just like when i woke up this morning and was trying to do some work and bought 3 pairs online at 5.30am! They were on sale though. Women - Sheesh!

p.s. I will try Satay beef sometime

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Mona: A hobo is like a homeless person… I’m not saying he is… but he definitely looks it… lmao… I will give you that job instead of whitening his teeth cos before you even do that… you gotta remove the burnt plantain clump on his bottom teeth… hehe. You’re right oh babe… I think black magic is definitely needed to complete that procedure! Lol… it seems there are more shoe addicts in blogsville than we realize! 3 shoes just for one early morning… no be small oh… hehe… when I buy a house… I think I’ll keep a room for my shoes(the ones I have now and the ones I plan to purchase in the future!). Satay beef is fantastic! Well when its done right… trust me… you’re gonna come back here and rave! I hope you don’t become addicted oh cos that’s how I tried hot spicy shrimp one day at this Chinese restaurant… and I started even dreaming about the thing self… hehe…

Uzo said...

LOL....NO way....LOL

NaijaBloke said...


I just have to laff ..African hobo man saw something good and just wan shine congo now ..LOL

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Uzo: Wayyyyyyy… lol

@NaijaBloke: Abeg he should carry it and go somewhere else… how come these things don’t happen to my rival Vera instead?

eror said...

oh my gosh noni you reminded me why i came on this comment page again!!! that had to be the funniest part in the entry: $24 CHEMICAL engineer.... OGINI???!!! LOLLLLL I die

Thoughts said...

You've got to be one heck of a blogger, the way u attract bloggers and anonies to write comments.Dang it girl.U iz a trip:)

The Mistress said...

OMG you had a long conversation with his ass?


I bet this guy is related to the scraggly son of a bitch I came into contact with at my grocery store last week.

Ick Nasty!

Vera Ezimora said...

Well hurry up and get a digital camera!

Hey what about a cell phone? You can use a cell phone too

chioma said...

lol, the closest i have come to this was 8 years ago. I was in the lift in a seedy area of london, when this scary jamo guy came in.. I mean he was stinky, and had those jumbo dirty dreads..he smelt of weed and a whole lot of other stuff. I was scared but didnt want to get out at the next floor cus I didnt wnat him to think i was scared. He was quite friendly(too friendly) told me i looked like i needed a massage, thankfully before he could offer me one the lift opened and i scrambled out!

damsel said...

OMFG... How scary... My gosh... I would've been screaming oh I would just have run to someone near by and clung to them for my dear life. You were brave!