To My Favorite Soccer Player

You are one hot bitch!

I just wanna grab your bow-legs from behind and topple you on my couch

I wanna see your eyes widen as I ride you like a brokeback donkey

You are walking sex!!

Everytime you kick that ball, you kickstart my pulse

Everytime you net, you make me wet!!!

You make me want to do freaky things with you and that ball

I want you to balance the ball with one hand and slightly spank me with the other

I want to be your cheerleader!!!!

I just wanna shake my bon-bons while you bounce your ball on my walls

Please let me be on your team… Captain!!!!!

Make me do ‘missionary push-ups’

Suicides all night longggggggggggg

You are a short thing, but if I played for you… I’d stretch you to the limit!!!!!!

I just want to put some knee-pads on those bow-legs and do a bedroom practice play

Just put the ball on the headrest right before we go for another round of "who’s my baller?"

I wanna give you a boner while you run midfield

I would love to sing your national anthem in your arena!!!!!!!

Please don’t scream my name

I just want you to yell "NET" or "SCORE" everytime I hit that spot!!!!!!!!

I want you wearing nothing but your Jersey.


My name is Overwhelmed Naija Babe and I’m Your Number One Fan!!!!!!!!!

Mummy Sunday 1

Inspired by one of my favorite bloggers LondonBuki, I’ve decided to start a Mummy Sunday post!!! It’s meant to document my mom’s life and history and celebrate her accomplishments. Her decisions have affected and helped mold me into the person I am today. I want to celebrate her cos she has faced almost insurmountable odds but with faith, hard work and determination, she made it!!! To be just half the woman she is today would be a blessing. The details of the great woman’s story might not be told in chronological order… but each entry should make sense in and of itself. Maybe I’ll publish a biography on her later… maybe I’ll include it in my future autobiography… or maybe I’ll just leave it here so y’all can read and know that no matter how bad it gets… there’s always a way out!!!

My mommy's on a diet

LOL LMAO LMBAO ROFLMAO

This woman is just too funny.

Mother mine wants to loose a couple pounds and on the recommendation of a friend went and got her a ‘nutritionist’. Said nutritionist came to her office two weeks ago and sugartalked my mom into buying a couple hundred dollars worth of ‘diet supplements’.

After the woman left, momsi realized she’d been swavved... but no one could ever accuse ‘mama overwhelmed’ of not being determined:

When she registered at the local gym for a year and almost collapsed on the treadmill on her first day there… did she quit? Nope… she never went back to the gym but kept paying her membership fees ‘just in case’!

When her younger daughter bought her a frilly thong last Christmas… did she throw it away seeing as she didn’t understand those ‘strings’? Nope… she just brought it out once every month to look at it, contemplate ‘thong science’ and put it back away!!

When she’d almost broken the aquarium last month trying to move it by herself… did she give up on the fish? Nope… she’d hired someone else to do it!!!

She’d do this diet thing dammit!!!!

Momsi’s diet is very strict… no potatoes, no rice, no fufu, no bread… I think it’s called a no-carb diet or something of that nature. She’s basically supposed to eat only fruit, vegetables, some meat products (I think) and her ‘supplement’ which as the name suggests serves as a meal replacement.

Didn’t sound too hard! lol

Momsi dearest did it the first day… no problem, but by the next day she was just absolutely miserable.

According to mommy, the nutritionist should’ve introduced her to the lifestyle when she was years younger so that she’d be used to it by now…Apparently, at this point it was just too too late!

So momsi’s nutritionist called her last night and I almost died laughing.

Background:
She had been ignoring all calls on her cell phone the entire evening but eventually picked up the house phone while enjoying some sweet fish peppersoup and jollof rice. She quickly dropped her fork and concentrated on the call:

Nutritionist: Mama Overwhelmed, how are you doing?

Momsi: Oh I’m great… just relaxing… but come oh… this your diet is hard oh!

Nutritionist: Don’t worry it’ll get better… so how have you been following it?

Momsi: Oh I just eat fruit and vegetables like brocolli, apples and others. In fact I just had carrots for dinner and that supplement. It’s really working!

Nutritionist: So what do you do when you’re hungry?

Momsi: I just drink water my dear…. It’s not easy at all

Nutritionist: So are you already seeing changes?

Momsi: yes oh… definitely… I can already see so many changes… even Overwhelmed thinks I’m losing weight

WHAT!?!?! Me Overwhelmed I said no such thing oh!!!…I don’t wanna be involved

ANYWAYS BACK TO GIST:

Nutritionist: oh k… that’s good… how many pounds?

Momsi: My children spoilt the scale but don’t worry I’m loosing all the weight… anyways I have to go… oh I just wanted to ask you before I let you go…. Can I eat nuts like peanuts, cashew nuts?

Nutritionist: No No No… that is not allowed in the diet… drink water anytime you feel a craving

Momsi: I understand… no problem at all… ok thanks Goodnight

Nutritionist: So you don’t have any questions for me about the diet?

Momsi: no thanks… I definitely recommend it.. it’s so great… I love it… in fact I’m going to get more water to drink... thank you soo much… goodnight

I almost collapsed laughing

LMAO… ROFLMAO…. Is this woman serious?! Since when did jollof rice and fish peppersoup become carrots and water? Momsi is just too funny

I started asking her why she did that… wouldn’t it be easier to just tell the woman the diet is not for her? Momsi was like:

“my dear I can’t be bothered… I wasn’t picking up my cell because I wasn’t sure if it was her or not. So because I told her I wanted to loose some weight, now she wants to put me on starvation diet?… if somebody sent her… abeg she should tell the person she didn’t see me!!”

LMAO

Momsi: FOOD SUPPLEMENT KO… WATER AND VEGETABLES NI!!!… anyways, she’s doing her job so I don’t blame her… I guess she needs my ‘diet commission’ to pay her rent this month…

Ehen, my dear… go and get me some almonds jare and don’t mind the woman…HOLLYWOOD DIET OSHI!!!

ROFLMAO…

This my mother self na wao… This one na really Hollywood Diet!!!

Rejected from Birth

I have always wanted boys. I want a boy to teach, a boy to mold, a boy to succeed me. So basically things went wrong from DAY ONE!

So you can only imagine how unhappy I was when I walked into the delivery room and found out it was a girl… so after the explicit instructions I gave this woman to give me a son, she still went ahead with this girly nonsense?!?! I won’t give her the chance to make this mistake again. This just has to be the first and last time!

I mean what are girls really good for? My mom is one…. sure, my sisters are girls… ok, my wife is one…. so bloody what? I’ve had enough of girls! What do they know about life? about war? about the law?

Females are only useful to the people who marry them… you train and educate them and they get married off into one stupid family or the other. A daughter is just useless to me… I guess I’d have to beat the sense into this woman for her not to give me another one of these things ever again.

London, England, 1986/87

So the little girly thing is growing up. They want me to name it? For what purpose? Isn’t "girl" enough? Doesn’t that aptly describe what she is? I guess Overwhelmed Naija Babe will do… it’s the first thing that comes to mind and I just can’t be bothered!

Granted, she does look like me a little, but a son would’ve looked 10 times better.

Granted, she has my legs, my smile…even my head, but just imagine that on a boy!

Granted, she started reading London Newspapers before she was 2, but a son would’ve read it at 9 months!

This overwhelmed thingy offends me with its girly parts and shrill voice. I definitely wouldn’t be caught dead wasting time watching over and taking care of it for another man to come and take it away in a few years.

One year and half with the overwhelmed child has just about ended my tolerance for girls… she cries out at night, eats too much, throws up good food and just constantly demands attention… SPOILT BRAT!!!

The mother won’t listen and just ignore her… emotional creatures that females are. A boy would obviously not need that much attention. I’d never been like that and neither had my brothers…

In fact I need to get away from this cos I’m suffocating and slowly dying with all this girly crybaby shit!

My mind is made up.

I’ll be on the next flight to Nigeria…I’d do law school in Nigeria and the wife can find a way to manage with the girl… It wasn’t like I’d asked for a girlchild.

Thank God the wife is preggers again. For the love of all things black, it just had to be a son this time cos anything else would just drive me to an early grave!!! Another creature with tiny feet and pink frilly garments? No thanks… the store could keep it!

It just has to be a son. For that, I’d come from Lagos back to the dingy apartment in Lewisham and visit. I’d love him, teach him, maybe even bring him back to Nigeria to be raised like a real man. The wife could do whatever with the girl.

The wife wrote me four months later to tell me IT WAS ANOTHER GIRL!?!?!?!?

Too little too late

A few days ago, I was sitting home having dinner when an unfamiliar number appeared on my phone:

“This overwhelmed?”

Overwhelmed: Yeah, who dis?

In a whisper: I really really like you Overwhelmed. I think you’re just absolutely beautiful… so funny, so smart and sweet. I’ve been nuts about you from the first day I met you… you have such a great personality and you’re everything I’m looking for in a girl.

Overwhelmed: {laughing} Abeg… stop your jokes jare… who is this and what do you want jo… I don’t have time for jokes…

“My favorite thing about you is your laugh… it makes my day just to hear you laugh…honestly I think…

Overwhelmed: Oh RK… wow… what can I say

“Nothing… you don’t have to say anything… I just wanted to let you know cos it’s been on my mind for months and I just had to let you know”

Overwhelmed: How come you never told me?

“Cos I didn’t think you’d like me or go for a Jamaican guy”

Overwhelmed: What gives you that impression?

“I don’t know I just get that vibe that you don’t mind Jamaican dudes as friends but just wouldn’t date one… plus you’re always going to African Clubs not reggae ones”

Overwhelmed: I never said that… but damn… how come you never told me anything… gave me a clue… and you spring this on me 7 months later?

“I’m sorry… I wanted to but I could never get the courage to… I just couldn’t hold it in anymore… I’m crazy about you”

Background info on the dude:

RK was about 2 years my senior in high school and left a semester after I started the school. He was tall, slightly chubby, had absolutely gorgeous hair, nice skin and a cute face. We only struck up a friendship years after I had graduated. We chilled a couple times but nothing eventful… he was one of the ‘harder guys to read’. I mean he seemed to like me, but wasn’t really putting it out there… so after a while, I guessed he wanted a friend which was totally cool with me. This was about 7, 8 months ago. We still talked on the phone once or twice a week… he just calls to check up on me and talk for a little while. He called me 2 weeks ago when I was out shopping with the boyfriend. We talked for a few minutes, and right before I hung up, he told me he had a secret to tell me. This was his ‘secret’.

Now liking me is all well and good, but I’m dating somebody else now. I mean homeboy is nice and everything and I might’ve given him a chance way back when if he’d told him cos I met him before the boyfriend… but it’s obviously too late now.

Dudes:

If you like her now… TELL HER NOW!!! Not next week, not next month, not next year… NOW… Next whenever might be too late!

Don’t enter the friend zone… cos it’s very hard to get out of… even if I wasn’t with the boyfriend now… I probably still wouldn’t date him cos he’s been a friend for so long and I’m used to that dammit!!

Ask her if she has a man before you start making your feelings known cos it’s a lot of akwardness later if you don’t!!!

Now I told him I’d call him back after our conversation… but I haven’t. he’s called me back three times since but each time I’ve told him I’ll call back and still haven’t.

I don’t know if I should just go ahead and talk to him as if he never told me anything (and preserve our friendship cos he is a pretty nice guy) or should I just tell him I have a man? Cos if I do… shouldn’t I have told him long before in our ‘friendship’ and won’t he feel I shouldn’t have dated another guy if I sorta knew he liked me? and maybe he’d feel that might’ve saved him some ‘embarrassment’?

Don’t know what to say to him… RK’s Sugartalk is ‘too little too late’

Recent Pregnancy Scare

I was absolutely terrified that I might’ve been pregnant.

No we didn’t do it without a condom and no the condom didn’t break… but I was still scared shitless!!!

They said condoms are only 98% effective… so that 2% might’ve been in my womb forming features!!!

I was a week past my period date and there was still no blood in sight. If nothing by the end of the week… I was gonna get my first pregnancy test, see a doctor and then kill myself, in whatever order.

Sure, sex is sweet… but to be pregnant at this age, at this stage, is a fate almost worst than death

To keep or not to keep… I’d be damned if I do, damned if I don’t

I just couldn’t be that girl that ‘kills’ her baby and I couldn’t be that girl who ‘kills’ the rest of her own life…

Fuck… I’d be totally screwed!

The boyfriend was confident that I wasn’t and told me we shouldn’t really worry about it… he’d stand by me no matter what

Yeah… but what if? What if there was a tiny little thing forming inside me?

A future NBA star, a world-famous actor, a Nobel peace prize winner, the scientist that discovers the cure for cancer?

I was in a state

There would be morning sickness, drowsiness, swollen ankles… I wouldn’t be able to wear my favorite leopard print stilettos anymore

I’d start eating for 3 instead of 2

I don’t really like crying babies and mommy won’t babysit

I wouldn’t be able to dance to makossa anymore cos sudden movements might hurt the baby

I’d have to buy Baby formula instead of Baileys

Just turns out I’m a squirter that needs to look into birth control as well

I’ve never been so glad to see ‘spots of red’

The Deceit that led me back to Biafra

I was looking through my hotmail inbox today and found this 500 word narrative that I’d done in 2004 for my grade 12 creative writing class. Have you ever written something, gone back to it and was like damn!?!?!?!... I wrote this?!?!?!?!... no? well I have… lol. I hope y’all have as much fun reading this as I had writing it. This is one of the reason’s my English teachers urged me to become a journalist (oh but that plan got fucked somewhere along the way… but oh well… I’ll always have this!)

Did you ever wonder what it’s like to have your heart torn into so many little pieces that you doubt you could ever find and fix up the pieces again? To feel as though your life has no more meaning? Is it possible to gaze upon the very eyes that inspired the essence of love in your heart with only hatred and disgust? Is it possible to see love as the enemy when only months before it had been your greatest ally? When you had prior believed that-

Without love, there would be no reason to live and life is just an endless misery. Love is that feeling you get when you wake up in the morning next to someone you dreamt about. Love is when you feel warm and safe in the middle of a perilous snowstorm just thinking of someone you care about. Amidst all the turbulence and trauma of the 1967 Biafran war, these thoughts and feelings kept me alive, and gave me the will to resist the mind- numbing nature of my environment. I have seen countless comrades give up hope for lack of anything to live for, but I sustained my strength to survive this ordeal for the sake of love. I believed in love, lived in loved and lived for love; a love I thought to be based on trust and truth. Now I understand what a certain wise woman meant when she said “Absolute trust is the greatest illusion of all.”

Love is morphine; when addicted; you would rather not live with it, but you almost can’t live without it. With the passing of time, you get more dependent until you wake up one day and realize that while the happiness from either source is fleeting, its’ aftereffects live with you and taunt you for the rest of your life. You see love in every word, every action and every gesture until one day reality comes knocking on your door. Reality could be anything from a letter, a stranger, a loved one, or in my case coming home after nine months of war to find the most shocking surprise of my life.

I was happy that I had a two- week break from the war, but I was worried about the birth of my baby, who was about a week overdue. I had decided to pay a visit to our family doctor, and after we exchanged pleasantries, I told him the purpose of my visit:

“Well, Dr.” I said, “The reason for my visit is that I’m concerned about my unborn child who’s due about a week now. I want you to tell me honestly if anything’s wrong.”

The Dr. had stared at me blankly, then smiled and said “ Oh, Obiora, being a man, I understand that you’re very worried about the birth of your first child, but she isn’t due for another two months, so I think you should relax a little”

“Relax? Oh, no, Dr., I’m relaxed. Actually, I believe there’s a mix- up here. My wife is nine months and one week pregnant, and you’re saying she’s two months shy… seven months pregnant? You’ve got it all wrong here.” I told him

“I’m not really sure what’s going on here, Obiora.” The Dr. looked at me a bit oddly and said, “But, here, you can look at Chinwe’s ultrasound results for the baby’s birth date.

“Speaking as a doctor, I think the constant shooting and bombing from the war must have really taken a toll on you, so I suggest you go home, take some sleeping pills and have a lot of rest.” The Dr. advised

I had looked at the results, thanked the Doctor and let myself out of his office. I walked home, contemplating what the Doctor had just told me.

Then suddenly, it hit me like a bullet in the kneecap from an AK 47; I couldn’t possibly be responsible for Chinwe’s pregnancy because I’d been away two months longer than she was pregnant. It was just too much of a stretch. A muscle started throbbing in my head, and this soon turned into a full-blown headache. I began to see red, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t believe that she had done this to me, but I had just seen the evidence myself. My wife, my queen, my love, my life, and my all... she had just betrayed me, she had just turned my world upside down. I blindly stumbled home, packed up all my stuff and came back to the Biafran war zone; at least I knew I could take refuge in the monotony of the shooting, bullet dodging and despair around me. I wanted to bury myself in that monotony because otherwise, I would begin to pay attention to the searing and scorching pain I felt in my heart, which branded me forever a fool.

I had nothing else to offer Chinwe but my love, and she had assured me it was all she needed; I guess it wasn’t. Love is an exceedingly cheap commodity to those receiving it but enormously expensive to those giving it. I have tasted the sweets of love only to have them turn to dirt in my mouth. I have looked into the eyes of love only to have my sight taken away from me. I have beheld paradise only to have it blown to smithereens right before me.

I previously viewed love as the answer to all my questions in life. Only after this betrayal did I begin to see love for the poison it really is, a poison, which seeps through your body into your soul, infecting every part of you with its venom. You become so enamoured that you lose sight of what it really is- a merge of dissension, disharmony, darkness and discord. Love is a trap, which lures you in for promised sweets, but ultimately leads to your destruction. With all the bullets, bombs and body parts flying everywhere, I feel nothing but numbness and desolation. All my hope is gone.

Sergeant Amechi A. Aturuocha sighed in pity as he read the letter found in the pocket of the almost unrecognizable remains of Lieutenant Obiora Ogbonna, whose body was found mantled and distorted in the battlefield A of the Biafran war zone. “What a waste, such a fine, brilliant and earnest young man. He’ll definitely be missed” he muttered to himself. Sergeant Aturuocha believed this was a deliberate suicide, but he had to cover that up for the sake of his men on the field who still believed in love. He couldn’t have them giving up hope; there was just too much at stake.

TAGGED!!!

So I’ve been multiple tagged by JadedKiss, Vera, Bijouxoxo,

funmi, Uzo and Biodun so apparently I have no reason not to do it!... so here goes nothing:

FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE
1. Home Insurance Telemarketer

2. Medical Insurance Telemarketer

3. Accident Insurance Telemarketer (what can I say… I guess I’m always the one they hire to call other people and tell em … listen you’re gonna die someday so it follows that you buy my insurance… lol… not my fault… it’s the script)

4. University Student (ongoing)

FOUR FICTIONAL JOBS YOU WISH YOU HAD
1. First Lady… I’ll get eaten out on the podium

2. Fashion Stylist

3. Famous Celebrity (dancer, singer, rapper, actress, athlete or yodeler)
4. Fashion Magazine Editor

…. Oh shit I wrote it first before I realized it said fictional… too lazy to rewrite

FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN

It’s gotta be romantic, funny or both:
1. Osuofia goes to London (lol.. he goes to McDonalds and tries to order fufu… classic Nkem Owoh… he asks the guy at the convenience store for AGEGE BREAD… lol… and wanted to buy bread from him on credit because he ‘lives across the street’… imagine that… lmao)

2. Sappy movies like Legends of the fall, The Notebook… I’m a closet romantic
3. Ali G DVDs
4. Any movie with Patience Ozokwor, those 2 midgets, Nkem Owoh, Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell, Chris Tucker, Owen Wilson, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Steve Carrell, Will Smith, Martin Lawrence or Mr. Ibu will do.

FOUR CITIES YOU'VE LIVED IN
1. London, England
2. Lagos, Nigeria

3. Accra, Ghana
4. Toronto, Canada

FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH
1. Who wants to be a millionaire
2. Will and Grace

3. Sex and the City
4. The Colbert Report

FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION/TRAVELED TO
1. Benin Republic
2. Imo State, Nigeria
3. Lome, Togo

4. Montreal, Quebec

FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY
1. www.blogspot.com to get my daily blog refreshment… y’all are the shit for real and never fail to put a smile on my face!

2. Gossip sites like www.perezhilton.com, www.people.com
3. Lottery Websites (what can I say… I wanna be rich)
4. www.hi5.com

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS
1. Lasagna… it’s actually my dream to eat Lasagna in Italy by the time I’m 25

2. Spicy Shrimp
3. Cheesecake.. oh my God Banana cheesecake, Cappuccino cheesecake, Chocolate cheesecake… trust me I could go on about this one

4. Shawarma

4.5 My boyfriends lips

FOUR THINGS YOU WON'T EAT
1. Curry chips… I say ewww but I can only imagine how novel my Indian friend will think this is
2. Cassava Leaves… they wanted us to eat that shit in Liberia and Cotonou... wtf
3. Dogs, Cats, Snakes, Frogs, Horses, Zebras, Antelopes, Rats, Lizards

4. Human Meat

FOUR THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD EAT OR DRINK RIGHT NOW
1. Malibu Pineapple and Pina Coladas at 11am… everything becomes so much clearer
2. Dairy Queen Blizzard… I’m a big fan of the occasional brain freeze

3. Suya after taking a cold shower and brushing your teeth… suya as an appetizer, suya as dinner, suya as dessert… SUYA!!!
4. Ugba/Abacha (an Igbo delicacy) and some isi-ewu and cold palm wine to top it off

4.5 Kenkey with some hot pepper and fried fish

FOUR THINGS IN YOUR BEDROOM
1. Black Nail Polish

2. A 32A bra my mom just got me… I’m a C mommy!!!
3. A mess… clothes, shoes, bags, me... lol
4. Sade’s music

FOUR THINGS YOU WISH YOU HAD IN YOUR BEDROOM
1. My boyfriend… I’m horny
2. Some cranberry juice… my new addiction
3. Bigger closet space… student accommodation sucks for that
4. A masseuse… I’m tense man… lol

FOUR THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. No bra

2. An invitation to the boyfriend
3. An open door

4. A smile

FOUR PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW
1. In Paris… shopping and eating butter croissants

2. In Italy… with 29 new pairs of shoes and 3 more days to shop
3. In Nigeria… Port Harcourt visiting old friends… fuck I hope they’re not all married with kids cos then how do we go clubbing? I don’t wanna have to ask for ‘hubby’s permission’
4. On cloud 9 doing ‘supe’… lmao

FOUR FICTIONAL PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW
1. In Jackie Collins and Danielle Steele’s Imagination

2. Ajegunle (lol… NOT!!!)
3. The warehouse where Bill Gates stores his money
4. A Warm Canadian Winter

FOUR PEOPLE YOU’D REALLY LOVE TO HAVE DINNER WITH
1. The apostles
2. George Bush, Stephen Colbert, Olusegun Obasanjo, John Stewart, Basket Mouth and Borat

3. Awilo Longomba and Celine Dion (I already told all my friends that those two are performing a duet on my wedding day… y’all are gonna hear about it... trust me)
4. My best friends MB, NA,AB,DV,TN, JS (I know.. lucky me.. 6 best friends instead of 1)

FOUR THINGS YOU ARE THINKING RIGHT NOW
1. How come I only just learnt how to use hyperlink 3 days ago?
2. Have I been living under a rock my whole life?
3. When am I gonna win the lottery and buy my first 100 Manolo Blahniks?

4. Why do I have two pairs of the same Black Patent Leather Slingback shoe?
4.5 Is he coming over?

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE THINGS
1. My mom, sis and best friends
2. Shopping and African Dance
3. Writing and when it’s not school-related… Reading!!!
4. Making out in spring

FOUR PEOPLE YOU TAG (lol… I’ll be like LondonBuki and in this case… x4)
Naijadyme

Naijadude

Zaiprincesa

Noni Moss

Soul

Babe

Temmy has completed hers… check it out… she likes david beckham, dirty dancing and supermalt… lol… only temmy

Adahope

Unnaked soul

Nigerican She likes shrimp(correct babe!), acting (although I’m not sure how guys would take that), alcohol and making lists of things that are overrated (lmao)… check her out

Omo ibadan She would love to be a professional yoruba movie watcher (lol… don’t we all) Kahlua White Russian in Hawaii (bad girl), will never eat human meat and I think she did ‘supe’ last night… lol… I’m not sure… check it out yourself

Mama rita

Azuka

Nyemoni She likes Alicia Keys, Sean Connery, Angelina Jolie and fried yams… though not necessarily in that order (At least I don’t think… lol)… check it out

Joel

Mari She would love to be Paris Hilton(sex tape included!?!?!?), enjoys Jollof Rice cooked on firewood (lol.. first time I ever heard this) and slapping oyinbo girls… lmao.. I couldn’t have made this up… check it out

Control Freak

I was having a conversation with my best friend Naijadyme a few weeks ago and I remember her telling me that I’m a control freak in my relationships. It bugged the hell out of me… me Overwhelmed Naija Babe… a control freak? I didn’t think so. I hate labels so I sort of decided to look inward and do a little personal analysis. I actually ‘Wikipedia’d’ the term: A Control Freak is someone with a compulsive desire to exert control over situations and people. Maybe I feel the need to be in control to avoid the pain. Writing and just putting things out there has been the first step towards my recovery… I won’t lie and say that I’m perfectly fine… I don’t know that I’ll ever quite be… but I think all I need to do is just make peace with my 7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19 and 20 year old self. I need to do this so I don’t lash out at every guy… so I stop mistrusting, so I stop doubting… so I stop remembering.

From family shit to relationshionships, I’ve been through so much in my 20 years of living. I was at the gynecologist at 8 years old because my dad didn't trust me.
As a teenager I was exploited by a family member for a long time so it’s hard to just switch off and forget everything.

so it’s hard to just switch off and forget everything.

I really feel stronger than my past though. I have so much love around me… my mom, my sister, my best friends, my boyfriend… they’re there for me through thick and thin and accept me just as I am. I’m not my looks, my attitude, my brain… “I'm a woman/ Phenomenally/ Phenomenal woman/ That's me” (Maya Angelou) In the words of Christina Aguilera “It’s not so easy to forget, but I look back at yesterday and I’m ok”

My Country Idol Dolly Parton once said something that I’ll never forget: “If I see something sagging, dragging, or bagging, I get it sucked, tucked, or plucked” In my case... I guess I’m willing to tweak certain undesirable aspects of my character. I’m not changing who I am or anything, I just don’t want to be that girl who judges every man based on her past issues and experiences and expects every guy to be perfect. In the words of British Song Queen Dido in Life for rent: I never want to be so afraid to fail that I don’t even try.

Basically, Naijadyme’s point of view was that because of issues in my past… I’d become a little paranoid about guys… I make/let them fall in love with me but I never quite open myself up to the possibility of loving them in return.

OK Point Conceded

She knows my life, so I obviously can’t trick her. I could totally see where she’s coming from … but I honestly think I’m trying. I’ve improved a lot from the person I used to be… at least I’m willing to show and act on my emotions a lot more than before. I actually tell my boyfriend that I miss him something awful… I actually tell him that I can’t wait to see him… I actually tell him I think he’s the most wonderful guy I ever met and that I think he’s beautiful… small things if you’re more in touch with your emotions… but MAJOR FOR OVERWHELMED NAIJA BABE!!!

I read somewhere that in relationships, one person always likes more than the other. I’m more than content being adored, loved, cuddled, pampered. I don’t think I want to be the person that likes more; I don't even know that I'm conditioned to… but I’ll learn to show how I feel more. The boyfriend knows I’m nuts about him though… I woke up once to make him tea before he went to work (lol… I know… knowing me… that’s unfuckingbelievable!!!) He understands that I have a lot of issues cos I’ve read him a lot of shit that I wrote. He’s happy with the way things are though… apparently he’s never met someone so complex. BIGUPS TO COMPLEXITY!!

Earlier in the relationship, I used to pick arguments cos I wanted him to show me that he was like other guys. I wanted a reason to be able to write him off… he gave me none; the bitchier I was about issues… the calmer he was. I just knew I had to come off that shit.

He doesn’t notice my little imperfections… he thinks they’re all just other parts of me to worship. He actually listens when I tell him my dreams. I actually cared enough to tell him to go back to college… and he will (THATS MAJOR!!!)

I wrote two poems “I met a Boy” and “Butterflies” about him and they still apply. He’s still the same boy I met months ago, and strangely enough, he still gives me butterflies! He knows when to call my bluff which is interesting cos I’ve usually gotten away with almost everything with other dudes cos “I’m sexy”… hehe… that doesn’t cut it all the time with the boyfriend… and strange enough I don’t mind.

In being a control freak… I guess you get to control the way things affect you cos the amount of hurt you’ll receive from anyone or anything is directly proportional to how much emotions and feelings you put into it…(lol.. what can I say… I loved calculus in high school). I’ve been able to get over every relationship quickfast cos I only put so much of myself into it... I’m more invested into this one than I’ve ever been. I’d actually miss him… It’d actually take me a while to get over him… cos I never met someone who loved me so hard so unconditionally (oh and the doggy style is FUCKING AMAZING … but that’s a story for another entry… lol).

Other people tell you they love you to get some nookie, some tell you just because it’s what everybody else says in relationships, some say it cos you said it first… he said it cos he just wanted me to know I’m safe with him. He doesn’t expect me to say it back if I don’t feel it… he just wants me to like him as hard as I’m capable of… seriously where do you find that?

So the conclusion of my little analysis is that I might be a control freak… but I’m a control freak that’s loved by a great guy… so for now… that’s fine.

I’ve attached a poem I wrote about the boyfriend:

I Could Really Love You

If ever I could freeze a moment in time,

it would be the moment you became mine.

A kiss, a touch, a smile you make me feel like no one else does

I could really love you for the look in your eyes everytime you see me

I could love you for the way you make me feel comfortable and lose all my inhibitions when I’m with you.

I could love you for the butterflies in the pit of my stomach everytime you kiss me, the shivers you send down my spine everytime you touch me

I could love you cos you understand me, you laugh at my silly jokes and know what to do to make me smile

I could love you cos you adore me- all of me

I could love you cos in my heart you make me hope for something I barely understand

I could love you cos you think I look gorgeous with my hair messy in your wife-beater

I could love you cos you give me wings to fly and you’re there to catch me if I fall

I could really love you cos you already love me

You’re my truth.

Thanks NaijaDyme… Babe, you’re my perspective.

Life is Good

Almost everything you do is calculated, thought- out, weighed for the pros and cons.

Your new hairstyle, that gorgeous new pair of shoes that has to match at least five outfits in your closet, your boyfriend, your best friends.

Is there a point to this? What do I benefit and how does this thing make a difference in my life?

You’re so careful in your little structured world.

You prethink everything so much there’s little or no room for error.

You never want to be caught unawares or get any nasty surprises.

It’s worked so far your entire life, so you’re sticking with your formula

Then Mr. Slick walks in.

He’s different; strange but unique. You’ve never met anyone like him your entire life.

The rules don’t apply anymore because he doesn’t fit anything in the script

He’s lord of all he surveys.

The twinkle in his eyes, the confident swagger tells you that unlike you, he’s encountered all kinds, and knows exactly how to deal with them.

You’re at a loss.

But all of a sudden, you’re sick and tired of sticking to the script, so you flip it and reverse it.

It’s time for some freestyle.

Now, all of a sudden, you’re Ms. Spontaneous.

You’re going on a joyride and enjoying it for however long it lasts.

First mistake, you start falling for the sucker.

His unpredictability is just the biggest turn on.

A leather whip instead of flowers on your first date. Second date bungee jumping and then to a spa.

You just can’t figure this guy out.

He pulls your school alarm just for you to get out of class so he can tell you he misses you.

You fall for him, headlong, not thinking, not caring, hopelessly, dangerously into him.

Then all of a sudden, after a couple of weeks, he starts getting weird.

Last week, he took you to a cemetery, this week he’s talking about joining the satan club.

You know it’s not right but you’re hooked.

Was it not his unpredictability that drew you to him in the first place?

Plus you think, just maybe, if you hung out more together, you’ll rub off on him and he’ll change.

You’re cutting class, not hanging out with best friends anymore because they just don’t understand.

Cocaine isn’t really that bad, I mean it’s not like you’re hurting anybody. He likes you better when you do coke with him. Plus, he’s paying for it, so who cares?

I mean society should concentrate more on helping poor people and fighting violence rather than bother with young people who are just having a good time.

I mean come to think of it, what’s the point of education anyways? It’s just a way for the man to oppress the people and remove all sense of the individual from society.

Who cares what parents have to say? Their only life fulfillment is telling you what’s wrong with yours.

The world is so unsafe, what with terrorists and rapists, so the only way for one to block it out and survive is to create your own cocoon and live like you were dying.

You know you’re safe with him… you feel safe except for those rare times, moments when his eyes glitter and he seems so far away.

Those times when it seems that if you shatter the silence or offset him, he could strangle you, he could tie you up with your own hair and snap you in half.

Ahhhh… Your mind’s running on again, maybe its time to increase the coke dosage.

Life is good.

{I wrote this with a particular friend in mind… She abandoned us all cos she fell in love. She’s not on drugs or anything… but I guess her love for this man is a drug… she can’t see pass her little cocoon and it’s a damn shame. I mourn the loss of a great friendship}

My Jehovah Witness

My friends didn’t see why, but I used to be really crazy about you

You were only my height but that was tall enough for me

You were darker than I’m used to, but that was fine…

A little skinnier than I liked, but I could care less

You had a few crooked teeth, but I still loved to kiss you

I met my Jehovah Witness in my first year of university. My first memory of him was a shy guy who moved amazingly well to reggae and soca. It became a regular weekend thing for him and his boys to come over every Saturday. We’d all booze up, dance, eat, crack jokes. It was just the shit... LIVING AWAY FROM HOME ROCKED!!!

On one of those Saturdays, I’d gotten drunk cos I’d had a midterm earlier in the day and hadn’t had enough time to eat. My Jehovah witness took care of me and stroked my hair, cheeks (and maybe my boobs…lol) for hours on end. In spite of my constant puking, I felt safe and warm in his arms.

Everybody was sleeping over, but he had to leave cos he didn’t want to miss church the next day… I know… how sexy… a spiritual pin-up! I didn’t want him to leave… As the story goes… I kissed him… he kissed me… I was in drunken heaven!!!

He got my number from our friend and we started our ‘witness affair’

He couldn’t date cos it was frowned upon by his church especially as he was baptised. I didn’t mind that for a while… I mean we had a great thing going on and at least I knew he wasn’t dating another girl somewhere. He liked me, I liked him, I mean even a blind person could see that we were nuts about each other… I mean just mention his goddamn name and you’d see me smiling like someone who won the lottery.

He had an aura about him… his spirituality turned me on. There’s something to be said about a dude who’d no sooner kiss the daylights out of you than he’d start quoting the disciples in the book of Matthew. The only thing I didn’t like about the whole church thing is he always felt guilty… we would engage in a steamy make-out session and when we were done, he’d look so guilty cos I’m guessing even that was against the rules. I understood it to a certain extent, but I don’t think God is against people expressing affection… it’s not even like we ever fucked or nothing.

We talked on the phone for hours on end. Since we couldn’t date each other, he came up with an ingenious plan… no matter what happened to us at the time, in the future he’d find me wherever and marry me. I was willing to keep going on with the way things were… I really liked him so I stuck this thing out for about a year give or take a month or two. I mean I dated other guys cos I knew I couldn’t date him… I mean I still had to keep my options open. I thought I could change his mind with time, and of course I’d drop whoever in a hot second.

I could never give any dude my all cos my Jehovah’s Witness already possessed a big part of me

I felt guilty everytime I kissed another guy cos somehow he’d branded me

Once in a while I’d realize that things were not progressing between us and that I wanted more than he could give me… I just couldn’t find it in me to let it go completely. I’d cut him off for weeks and say it was over… but he’d apologize so sweetly and I couldn’t not take him back.

I was content in our ‘non- relationship’ for a long time… then I realized I wanted more- all or nothing… I cut him off again. I guess it was at the back of my mind that he’d call me back and keep apologizing and just make things right… he’d realize how much he needed me… how incomplete he was without me… how we could make it work even though he was a ‘Jehovah Witness’.

Then he went on a date with GC

GC that I introduced him to, GC my friend, GC who knew how it was with me and him, GC that fucked guys on the first date, GC that had had an STD 2 months ago!!!

My Jehovah Witness was a fraud!!!

He hadn’t been building something with me… he’d just been trying his luck to see what panned out for him… I guess GC did.

He has since called, emailed, texted me, had friends and cousins call to apologize and start over, but HIS CHAPTER IS COMPLETELY CLOSED!!!

I’ve attached a poem I wrote about the situation:

Unrequited Emotions

In every ones lifetime, there comes a time when you let go of old insecurities and give your heart to someone.

Sometimes they take it for what its worth, treasure it and keep it for as long as they can

And sometimes they trample on it and make a mockery of complex emotions

They realize the extent of your feelings and play on your heart like a puppet on a drawstring

They lure you in with loving words, sweet nothings as you are entrapped in a web of lies and deceit

They blind you with the dark light of false love

Your heart is on a string and your feelings are drawn thinner and thinner until one day... it finally snaps

You wake up one day and realize it was all a mirage

This person never really loved you; they just loved the reflection of themselves in your eyes

They liked the feeling of playing with your emotions and knowing how far you’d go for them

What a grievous day it is when you realize that love is nothing but a poison that seeps into your soul and infects your entire being. It changes everything and not necessarily for the better.

It locks you in a box with only one set of get- out keys

It creates a glow so warm that in its absence you can only feel numbness and chills.

But it is with this numbness of mind, body and soul that arises the inner strength to move on and rebuild your heart and dreams.

And then another person walks in with their vision of love and your walls come tumbling down again.

Never Mind What You Thought I was: I AM CANADIAN

It’s been a truly great week or so and I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to blog or read through other peoples blogs… but I’m back. I crossed over to the other side (Niagara Falls) last weekend. I had the greatest time with my family… we were truly living it up. The falls starts off on the right side... mellow until it picks up speed and just becomes this force of nature... it's one of the most tranquil and beautiful settings i've ever been priviledged to see. I don't have words vivid enough to express this phenom... so I attached a few of the pictures I took there:








This is just awe- inspiring... I love just love nature... wish I lived there... I'd probably experience my entire life 'writing by the falls'... I’m actually thinking of giving up this whole Doctor Paracetamol business and pursuing my dream of becoming a full-time photographer at Niagara falls… lol (make my mama no hear that one).


I' M SOOOO HAPPY: I got my citizenship last week- I AM CANADIAN!!!

Take this quiz to find out how Canadian you are:

1. The title of Canada’s political leader is:

a. President b. Prime Minister c. Big Chief d. C.B.O

2. How are totem poles made?

a. they are grown from seeds b. they are carved by hand

c. crafted by trained woodpeckers d. liquid wood poured into a mold

3. What is an igloo made out of?

a. ice cream b. twigs and grass c. snow and ice d. Celine Dion Cd’s

4. Canadians speak English and…

a. French b. Canadese c. American d. Frenglish

5. The symbol on the Canadian flag is…

a. a ski-doo b. a moose c. Hockey Puck d. a maple leaf

6. Which word is Canada most famous for?

a. duhhhh b. eh c. right-o d. cheers

7. Which animal is Canada’s national symbol?

a. the beaver b. Bryan Adams c. Arctic Squirrel d. the platypus

8. Maple syrup is refined from what?

a. Beaver Milk b. Maple tree sap c. Lake Erie Sludge d. Screech

9. Wayne Gretzky is a famous…

a. Tap Dancer b. Dogsled Racer c. Singing Mountie d. Hockey Player

10. Canada’s official national sport is…

a. Snow shoeing b. Hockey c. Lawn Bowling d. Lacrosse

Answers:

1. b 2. c 3. c 4. a 5. d 6.b 7.a 8.b 9. d 10.d

Test Scores:

9-10: Congratulations, YOU are as Canadian as back bacon and Stanfield’s underwear.

5-8: Not bad… eh!

3-4: You should be set adrift on Lake Louise, in a canoe filled with Pierre Burton books.

0-2: Oh… YOU’RE AMERICAN

I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader....
I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber, or own a dogsled....
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really really nice.

I have a Prime Minister, not a president.
I speak English and French, not American.
And I pronounce it 'about', not 'a boot'.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, not policing,
diversity, not assimilation,
and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.
A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch,
and it is pronounced 'zed' not 'zee', 'zed' !!!!

Canada is the second largest landmass!
The first nation of hockey!
and the best part of North America

My name is Overwhelmed and I am Canadian!!!

Part 2: You took me to the gynecologist when I was eight

I still remember how the hospital looks daddy

Ugly and cold on the outside… uglier and colder on the inside

I was just happy for anything that kept me from the house

I still didn’t know what the principal had told you

We wait and wait and wait

I constantly switch positions in my seat cos my bum hurts

Hot, swollen, firy darts of hurt

He comes out in his white lab coat with his headphones and walks towards you

I really hope you’re sick cos then maybe they’d keep you here for a while

Maybe then mommy would come and take us back

I miss mommy… she held my hand

You smile at the doctor; you only smile at strangers

Daddy, why don’t you smile at me?

Do I look too much like mommy?

Why do you hate mommy?

Uncle liked her, grandma liked her, I like her

She was nice and made really good popcorn

She smiled at us

The doctor’s talking

He’s so tall

He wants me to come with him?

I walk pass the pretty lady with the weird-looking son, the dirty old man, the couple, the children

Why am I going in with the doctor alone?

He’s so tall

I miss mommy… she held my hand

We enter the room and he shuts it

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I want them to hear me scream cos I don’t trust him

He’s so tall

He asks me to take off my clothes

Daddy you brought me here

Am I being punished cos I smiled at Kayode?

I’ll do anything to avoid the pain

I take my dress off

I’m embarrassed in my old underwear

He makes me take that off too

He wants me to lie down on the bed

Daddy you brought me here

MOMMY SAVE ME FROM THIS MAN… WHY AM I LYING HERE ON HIS COLD NYLON SHEETS NAKED?????

He wants me to spread my legs apart

I want to call you Daddy, but you’ll probably hurt me more than he ever could

He scares me

He’s so tall

He touches me up there

He flashes a light up there

He puts something up there

I’ll black it out cos I’m scared

He’s done

It’s over and I’m still scared

He’s seen me… I put back on my dress but I find no comfort in the grey cashmere

I know this was wrong, but I don’t know how

We walk outside and I’m not the same person who came in

I eat, read, talk and walk like I used to but I’ll never be the same eight year old girl who walked home by herself because you forgot to come get her.

I stopped smiling at Kayode Daddy.

You took me to the gynecologist when I was eight

You were supposed to come and get me after school today daddy.

I waited and waited and you never showed up.

I talked to Cynthia for a little while but her parents came and got her.

I joked with Adewunmi for a few minutes, but he rushed home to watch cartoons.

Kayode and I smiled at each other before his sisters came to pick him up.

I’m alone, tired, hungry and bored… I just want to come home

I know you’re probably busy in court so I’ll be a good girl and just wait.

It’s getting dark and I’m still waiting

I might as well find my way home.

I know the route so I’ll walk and recite Psalm 23 every step of the way:

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I fear no evil

For thou art with me

Thy rod and thy staff; they comfort me…”

I get home safe... safe, but late

There’s no light on in the house… it’s so hot

They tell me I’m in trouble

I’ve done nothing wrong… but I’m scared

I try to pee and I can’t

It burns… I’m so hot and scared

You call out my name and I freeze up

I pray for God to help me… but I know he’s on your side

He listens to adults more than children

Cos if he listened to me, mommy would be here

I walk into your room with my heart in my hands

You ask me where I’ve been and I tell you:

I was waiting for you and you never came… I knew you’d forgotten about me

You ask me what I was doing in the backyard with that boy

I swore innocence… I wasn’t with any boy

You’re silent for a lifetime

You calmly lay out a cane and a wire and ask me to pick my punishment

I choose the cane

You whip me, you flog me, you hurt me

I’m completely numb

I want to crawl into eternal oblivion

Away from the pain

Cos I’m 8 and my soul is slowly dying

When you’re done, you order me to change from my school uniform

You take me to my school and go in to talk to the principal

I’m so scared in the car cos I’ve started doubting myself

Was I with any boy? Did I do anything with any boy?

Did you know I smiled at Kayode after school today?

Or are you referring to the day I was in the backyard with Kayode and the class making paper marches?

I didn’t do anything with any boy

I only smile at Kayode cos I can't help it... he’s nice; he holds the door for me to go into the cafeteria even though Lillian buys him so many presents

Did my English teacher tell you about the note that the landlord’s son Chucks put in my school skirt when I’d spread it outside two weeks ago?

Do you now know that he drew me a palm tree to show how beautiful he thinks I am?

Do you know he drew a heart after my name in the letter?

I hope you know that I DON'T smile back at him.

I’m saving smiles for Kayode.

You stomp back into the car

My heart stops

I don’t breathe or move… I just exist

We drive and drive and I pray we never stop cos I know that once we do… the pain will continue

You’re going to rip me to shreds

I miss my mommy

Why did she bring us back to this?

If I’d known it was going to be this way…

I’d never have cried every night to meet you

I’d never have starved myself for her to notice

I’d never have paid any attention to Emily and the other girls when they made fun of me cos I had no dad

I want my mommy

If mommy comes back and takes me away from here, I’d never ask for you again. I promise I’ll be good forever… I’ll stop smiling at Kayode.

The car stops abruptly

We’re in front of a hospital… I hate hospitals

Your eyes are red, my heart is cold… We walk inside.

TO BE CONTINUED (sorry guys, this was a little painful for me to write)