I’ve known Naijadude for about 2 years and been close friends with him for a little over a year. From when I met him, we just always had a chill connection… we’d talk on the phone all the time, go shopping and all that fun stuff. At the time I was single, as was he. It’s funny cos Naijadude is handsome, about 6ft3 inches tall to my 5 ft11, but it never occurred to me to see him as a potential ‘date’. From the get-go, we just gelled as friends and never made any attempt to make it anything more. We shared an extensive love of music… old classics, soul, r n b especially… although he never seemed to love Sade as much as me, and I could never quite find the same love for that bald singing goat ‘Kem’… lol. I remember I kept telling him to specify the kind of girl he liked so I could hook him up with one of my gorgeous friends. He’d always just laugh and talk about something else. I never suspected a thing. As the months went by, we became closer and closer. One day I think he called me or sent me a message on msn but I was unavailable. I got back to him and he told me he had been stressed out at the time and wanted to vent. I was all ears but apparently for him the urge had passed. I abhor quarter-stories and will bug the hell out of anybody till I get juicy details. It was so hard for him that I even remember asking him if he’d gotten a girl pregnant or something. He laughed and just gave me a link to go on… HIS BLOG! I read the title and was like huh?!?! I mean I’d had no clue whatsoever… I just read everything he’d ever written on the blog… from his first post to the last one he’d put up at the time. I came back on msn and all I said was babe…. I love you… I’d already grown to love him and whether his dick stood up to Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt meant jack to me… they’re both hot in my opinion. We talked about everything from that point on and the rest of our relationship as they say is history…. He’s now one of my closest friends. Another thing I have to commend him for is making me pick the boyfriend. At the time (about 8,9 months ago), I was going on dates with a couple of guys, but Naijadude would not hear of any other dude except the boyfriend. …END OF STORY. Boy am I glad I listened?! No wonder the boyfriend loves Naijadude… lol.
Anyways, after reading Naijadude’s blog, I came across Disillusioned Naija Babe’s blog. I read a lot of her posts and I was just amazed. I mean I loved to write but her stuff was just phenomenal… the way the words flowed from sentence to sentence… I got lost in it… the happy, the sad… the inbetween… just everything.
After reading both Naijadude and Disillusioned Naija Babe’s blog… a lot of issues that I had came to mind.
To a lot of the general public, I’m a party and good time girl. I’m smart but just never feel the need to shove it in anyone’s face. Almost everyone’s first impression of me is as a complete goofball and joker. I am completely down with all the good times… but there’s a part of me that has pain, anger, hurt, issues… I wanted a place to express all of that anonymously. Nobody would know who I am… what school I go to… who my family is… my friends… they’d just hear my story for the first time and judge it accordingly… not based on how well I dance to Makossa, how many jokes I can tell, how long my legs are, how pretty I might or might not be. I just wanted to talk about those things that are harder for me to address in person… things that dredge up so much pain for me. I wanted to confront my demons… my memories.
I mean I used to think a lot of my issues were in my past… done and dealt with… but when a lot of things started to manifest in my older and adult life… I knew I had to open up or internally combust. I mean I found it so hard to trust guys. I subconsciously looked for reasons to disqualify them… to show how terrible, heartless, untrustworthy, they were… I wanted to show how much they were like my dad. I remember a sexual experience when I kicked the crap out of my ex-boyfriend cos he was creeping up on me while I slept… it reminded me of my ‘uncle’. Things like that among others were just coming to the forefront… so I knew I had to express stuff before I reached the point of no return. Naijadyme told me I used to be very angry… not to her, you, or the person who sees me on the street. Apparently it was all just bubbling under the surface… so even when I smiled… the hurt was one layer underneath.
I started this blog for a new beginning.
Four months into it, I’m a little confused cos I’m getting out’ed. Friends are finding out about my blog. About 4 friends did last week. I mean the thing is that I’m exactly the same person on this blog as I am in real life… open, honest and direct. That’s probably why it was very easy for them to find out it was me. So my actual dilemma is this… since I’ve decided that I’m going to be completely honest, completely real, completely me on this blog… what if being me would hurt someone in my ‘real life’. If I expressed something that hurt me or pissed me off about someone or a certain situation and they’re reading it… does that make me a bad person… a bad friend?!
Another thing I wonder is… if it was somewhat easy for these people after reading my blog or certain entries to realize it is me… how easy would it be for others to find me out too?
The only person I would really care and probably shut down if she found out my blog would be my mom. That’s only because there’s too many references to doggy style and cunninglingus here. I’m lucky for now, however, cos she knows almost nothing about the internet except yahoo mail.
I’ve never written for attention seeing as I get enough of that in my ‘real life’. However, I do appreciate my blog pals cos y’all come down and comment on every post I write no matter how stupid or trite my subject matter. But right now I’m just wondering what to do … be as honest as ever and ‘friends’ who find out can get to understand a little more the heart that beats inside, or censor myself and become a ‘safe’ blogger… the kind that writes stuff that nobody would get incensed about, the kind that talks surface but never goes underneath, the kind that tries to please everybody, the kind that says a lot but nothing at all?!