Monday, December 04, 2006

First Time I Stuck One In

Lol… no… not a dildo…well… sort of… I’m talking about a tampon!


Strangely enough, this whole tampon thing just happened by coincidence. My period came out of nowhere (at least I felt it did)


The boyfriend is my new menstrual date-keeper (I have never been able to remember when my period is so every once in a while I appoint someone to keep my period dates for me)… but he obviously isn’t doing his job well as he did not alert me about the upcoming ‘bloodshed’. For that reason as well as the fact that I haven’t had an orgasm in almost two weeks (so I’m highly cranky)… HE’S FIRED. So I’m currently recruiting for a new ‘period date-keeper’. All interested applicants will have to go through a special screening process which will be in three distinct steps:

  1. They will display their knowledge of the multiplication table from 1-12
  2. They will give me a foot massage for 14.5 minutes
  3. They will be tested for mind-altering substances (the positive ones have a ‘higher’ chance of getting through to the next round!)

In the meantime: to increase your chances of winning, you can tell me some of your most recent accomplishments in the comment section of this post. Note: Finishing 2 McDonald Combo’s in 8 minutes does not count as an accomplishment!


Now Like I was saying:

I used a tampon on Saturday for the first time in my 20 years of living!!! I had run out of pads and was lucky to find a tampon that I don’t even remember buying. I was initially freaked out cos I didn’t know how I was gonna stick it in. I called a friend for a pep-talk and she convinced me that I’ve taken ‘dick’ bigger than the tampon (exactly what gave her this impression I have no clue). So I tried. I got stuck somehow cos I wasn’t sure if I put both the plastic part inside and then wind it up inside or if I do it outside the ‘vaginal area’ and then stick it in (lol… I can just picture my male readers going ewwwwww… but y’all gotta learn this… why? I don’t know… BUT YOU DO!!...lmao)


Anyways, I ended up getting the hang of the whole thing and finally got it in.


I walked around for a bit cos I wasn’t sure how I’d feel having a ‘cotton dick’ up my coochie… but somehow it was alright and strangely enough not sexual at all.


They’re not bulky, they just fit in and ‘do the job’ (lol… don’t I just sound like a commercial?!... My former manager Papa Okey always told me I was ‘made for fame’… but that was before he impregnated Ogechi in our village and had to move away to Agbaje… but that’s a story for another day but I’ll just put it out here for now… I am looking for another manager. I have 4 very distinct and unique talents that we can milk!)

Can someone please tell me how I’ve gone through my entire life and not ever been talked into using a tampon


On that note… I sort of expect a written apology from all my female friends, family members and blog readers for not telling me the absolute joy that are tampons.

My Name is Overwhelmed Naija Babe and I’m a New Tampon Convert!

63 comments:

Anonymous said...

BRAVO!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

By the way, your mummy sunday blogs inspired this:

http://boorishmale.blogspot.com/2006/12/i-love-you.html

Mothers are amazing aren't they?

Cherub (former Bijouxoxo) said...

Yeye chile u are. Don't worry, i'm older than u and still haven't chopped enough liver to use one. I really don't know how i'd survive using one. Maybe i'm just being a chicken plus my friends tell me it's real easy and it doesn't feel like u have anything there. Maybe one day i'd try using one.

RJ said...

LOL! Girl you are not the only one...my first tampoon was sometime in september and it was kinda unnerving but comfy at the same time, I didn't have a choice 'cos it decided to come days earlier and I wasn't at home. I haven't been able to use one after that though...I think its the fear of it getting stuck (yes they do, OBGYN's are used to digging after it).... Good for you though

Anonymous said...

I thought Janet Jackson was nasty! Not knowing that someone is EWWWW!!!

Good job you could fit all in! ;) I cant stop wondering how huge that thing was and u feel comfy...Hmm

chainreader said...

tehahahaha. only you, ONB! only you.

lmao@ menstrual date keeper! i need me one of those! i NEVER remember those crappy dates. i'm like why would i want to remember torture, right? so it's a surprise party every month.

good for you and your new found friend, the tampon. i shall remain devoted to my external friends, the pads, thank you very much. i have no interest in digging any further than i have to.

hey, do you ever wonder what women used back in the day, like 100 years ago in Nigeria, during their periods?

Anonymous said...

Overwhelmed, don't be annoyed. I haven't been converted yet. Is it that good. I'd feel kinda weird being stuffed all day long. I don't think I'll be able to walk right.

@chainreader, they probably used leaves or paper

angie said...

lBabe u don dey craze small small oh..lol. i almost choked laughing.
I have neva used one and don't plan to..i will feel weird.
(U can try circling the date on ur calendar..ok i don't do that cos its kinda hard to remember). i usually just write mine down. maybe u can put a reminder on ur computer.
lol @naija sapphire, they probably used leaves or paper.
i think they used those banana or was it plantain leaves and a piece of cloth...euuhhh!!

Anonymous said...

@ angie, and i thought my guesses were bad.

temmy tayo said...

You never cease to amuse me. Dont see my self ever sticking tampons down there.

Impo!

stranger said...

i never grew had a sister...or a girlfriend...but reading your blog is more than enough to educate me on the ways of a woman...

Anonymous said...

Babe!! You are now a certified mad woman. As in..lmao!!

Can someone take this babe to OMPH-Obalande Mad People's Home?

Lmao!!

Yosh said...

Lol! Oh God!

Soul said...

I don't know how in holy heaven you have gotten by. (I thought everybody used em) tried when I was 12. I didn't read the instructions properly and had it half in and half out.. for about 30minutes. lol
By 14/15 I was a regular user.

All I would say is this, take the time to actually read the pamphlet in the box.
It is important to use the right tampon for the right flow.

Don't use a super when all you need is a regular e.t.c.

for even good ease of use.. put the toilet seat own, put on foot on it slightly bend the other foot forward, tilt your pelvis forward and insert the tampon up and away from you.

It's tiny, it won't hurt, if it's in right you won't feel it and there's fear of a bulge in your underwear..

But most importantly.
ignore those stupid adverts that say you can leave it in for 8 hours
Even in light flow, I'd encourage you to change your tampon every 4 hours.

Be aware that a few people will get Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) only a minority get this, but still be aware.

oh amd by the way Welcome to the joys of tampon use
No more bulky bags, no more feeling like you have a sandwich in between your leg.

Uzo said...

Oh this lady. Good grief. LOL. Congratulations?

Uzo said...

Ehm Soul: That's a pretty graphic how to.....LOL

BabaAlaye said...

Overwhelmed, o wa very sick.

Vickii said...

LOL LOL LOL Only you can write an entire post about tampons ...very funny! I have to admit, I don't use tampons either and I don't really know why. I've just always used pads and they've worked for me so whyfix something that ain't broke huh? And all the press that goes along with tampon; toxic shock syndrome, only use when your period is heavy yadi yadi yadah ... sanitary towels are way easier!

Great post anyway!

Oh and your interview process for your new period date keeper is hilarious ... and of course very necessary but I like your old period date keeper so I'm afraid you can't fire him!

Anonymous said...

lol...i never used tampons, so u aint gerrin no lerra from me. but i think it might be weird to use them though, i guess u never know until you try.

don't forget to take the old one out before you put in a new one though. a friend of mine did that and didn't realize for a whole week until she started feeling some strange pains and had to see her doctor. she felt like the stupidest girl in the world

jadedkiss said...

i sincerely apologise, cyber sis mine. Tampons are the ish. i started using em like 3years ago and have never looked back since. @soul-you're my egbon for a reason jare!
ok, first-ReaD THE PALMPHLET.
lol at your friend saying you'v had dick before which is bigger- that's exactly what i told my friend who was nervous about em! i haven't ever had dick in me.. tru story!.. so if i could/can have tampons in me why couldn't she.
THEY DON'T DIS-VIRGIN/DE-FLOWER YOU!-if you're scared of that. uh.. what else.. soul said it all. enjoy the freedom babe!
oh, and learn to count your periods already. you're more than old enough!

Anonymous said...

LMAO - lolllllll. Only you! Welcome to the world of tampons. I didn't start using them until after i started having sex and that was because one of my aunts told me that using it before would mean i wasnt a virgin and I didn't want to get "disvirgined" by a tampon. Even when I learn't better, it still stuck.

But now, :-D, tampons are great. You dont need to stand, just sit on the toilet sit as normal. You also have to be careful you get the angle right. For me, I cant push it horizontally, needs to go up. We are all shaped differently. And yeah you need to change less than 8 cos sometimes, you will still bleed unnecessarily. I still end up using pads/pantyliners as well for extra protection.

Soul said...

Uzo.. my dear sista.. it was necessary jare. lol

We can't be shy about these period things o, let us speak now and shame the devil lol

Biodun said...

I still cant stick that stuff up my, u know wot, tried it out once @ age 17 n took it out immediately, scared me out, lol
Glad u have converted, I will forever b a pad kinda chick, lol. I so do not keep track of my periods ever, cant b bothered really, I just always carry extra pads in my purse n in my car always!

Anonymous said...

Soul has killed me o...graphic details m blushing....When I decide to put that ish up my u-know-what...I'll come back and read your post again. I know I'm still living in stoneage at least I'm not in denial of the fact that I am bush!
For those that are going to try tampons out...read the PALI oooo!

Mona said...

hahahaha! I was shy when i started reading this hehe

Mari said...

LMAO, ONB you are such a character. Anyways, congratulations and welcome to the club. Tampons are so liberating.

I don't know if anyone experienced this but using a pad often bruised my sides and it was frustrating so you can imagine how relieved I was when I got initiated to tampons. I can only use the ones with the applicators sha...I still bow for girls who use the none applicator ones. So ewww! nasty!
Come to think of it, do they sell the none applicator ones here in the states?

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

You never cease to amaze me. But I would add I did use it for like a year or so - then I stopped. Wasnt sure why. It really isnt so bad to use.

And Soul did a very good job of showing you how to use one.

imoted said...

Once you go tampons you never go back.. LOL..

Funmi said...

Only ONB will have a whole write up on tampons.

TP said...

You are simply a crazy girl! I started using tampons recently too, and I now prefer them to pads. It's more comfortable once you get the hang of it.

mphahlele said...

you mean you didnt knowwwwwww how miraculous they were?????

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness girly, I read the post thinking to myself, WHAT?
I knew tampons before I knew dildos and dicks, they are like a girl's best friend, why did you think your mum never introduced them to you??/ Its like ice cream and swiss chocolate and orgasms...No one tells you they're a reason to live, you discover them and you pretend like you didn't know they existed. At least till you came along, now everyone knows, next thing you know the prices of Tampons go up and its the end of the world as we know it:)

I will punish you later

Vera Ezimora said...

I've never tried one either. They just seem so unnatural. Besides, they can fall in, and that's a risk I am not willing to take.

Soul said...

vera... tampons don't fall in.
you would have to be walking upsidae down and have some kind weird pressure pressed on you for that to happen.

They can stay in or people forget and push another one in after them. It is nota common occurence at all.

When you insert a tampon, there's a thin but long piece of string that's left on the outside, which you pull away from you to remove it.
If yo are on your period, and you can't remember, just work it into your wroutine to always check for the string.

But to each it's ow, tampons aren't for everyone, just as sanitary towels aren't for everybody

TaureanMinx said...

Oh you have never know the joys of a tampon? Buy the pearly scented ones, they are the easiest to use IMHO. Life is so much easier and less bloody with them. And you can even swim should the need arise.

You are 20!!! Girl you have experienced life more than me oh and im older than you lol. I guess age ain't nothing but a number.

Anonymous said...

LoL. Welcome to the 'club'..Tampons are the best thing since sliced bread.
I hope they told you that it's not encouraged to wear them to bed, toxic shock syndrome.

Ineka said...

Despite the # of times, my friends have tried to change my mind..I've never worn a Tampon. I don't think I'll be wearing one anytime soon too. Give me my Always Ultra thin anyday...

Anonymous said...

i wonder if the lord jesus crist constitute this type of activity as exceptable???.... any way am a male & i don't know shit about what ur talking about but the way u put it.... that shit is funny as a mufucka but better u than me

yankeenaijachick said...

eh yah, finally you did, l can imagine how you felt at that point in time. Eh yah.........proud of you girl. l hate using tampons myself cos of the rumours my girlfriends tell me that if if remains in ur womb, trouble. Well, you gotta use what you have at that particular point in time. Stay loved girl.

nosa101 said...

I refuse to get educated on female bollocks!

The Mistress said...

Thank God for Depo Provera and having no periods.

:-)

I haven't *seen* a tampon in 10 years!

Or a drop of blood.

It's fucking great.

Anonymous said...

You dis ghel, u don craze finish

Anonymous said...

tampons carry a serious potential to "wound yourself" but they rock. I can't stand pads.

Calabar Gal said...

I've never used one either. Maybe I'll try soon.

LOL @ NOsa not wanting to be educated on female bullocks!! Like funmi said, only OW will have a whole post on tampons!!!

Beautifully Human said...

This girl I see you are still the same ol' crase woman!!! lmao!
keeping track of your due date is really not a big deal. just circle the date in your diary or set a reminder on your phone. Failing that I nominate Vera for the job; I think she has more than enough experience on this sorta thing. lol!

Freaky Deaky said...

My eyes, my eyes! Oh god my eyes! What have I read? Wonder if I can find a psychiatrist open this lake. I feel traumatized. LOL!

Much more information then I wanted to know but funny as hell. Good luck filling those positions.

Discombobulated Diva said...

LMAO... im not big on tampons, but i guess they come in handly sometimes...

~DD

Anonymous said...

Finally, I can comment on Overwhelemed's blog..Congrats on sticking it in :)
LMAO@ stuck one in . You are a character..

chainreader said...

*we want, we want, UPDATE!*

Anonymous said...

I was shy when I started reading this...

anyways, as usual, I can't divulge any further knowledge concerning this graphic post (lol, u don try)...cos I will never become CONVERTED! (God forbid). Sticking to the old tradition forever!

Congratulations on ur boldness in converting to the scary tampons and also on ur masters degree in lecturing all the boys out there, I'm sure they'll be very glad to read this...lolll...hmmm...bravo!!!

lolll @ jadedkiss...its a relief to know these things do not dis-virgin people...lol.

Ouch...my EYES have seen...bom-boms and tampons...euwwww...

Anonymous said...

Chai..me too i get so scared trying to get a tampon up my hole. I have tried and tried , but that thing never wants to go up. i try squating, putting my legs up on a toilet, doing the doggie style posture and all that ish..., but Aurasoul hmmm..., I'll sticks to a pad for now. I'll live!Congratulations

Calabar Gal said...

Time for a Mummy Sunday Post!! Dont forget!!!

chainreader said...

eeeemmm, i know we are beginning to sound demanding, but i don't care (not really!). it's your fault you got us addicted to ONB, so you DO owe us a fix a day, or something along those lines.

pay me no mind. how was the party? details, my friend. details!

yeah, and we need us some mummy sunday!

like i said, demanding!

Anonymous said...

do u have to put it inside? what happened to the one you put on the underwear and just sit on it ;)

beautyinbaltimore said...

I've been using tapoons foe about 10 years now. It took me forever to learn how to get it in, or maybe I was to tight.

beautyinbaltimore said...

Please update my dear. We miss you.

Anonymous said...

good luck on finals. work hard oh and come back and tell us ohhh what's been going on!!!

zaiprincesa said...

babea,
hope u aight...been a week now..hmm.....boyfy or books keepin u occupied?

Vera Ezimora said...

Overwhelmed....not that I care about ur fiance-stealing behind, but where da heck r u?

Anonymous said...

Yeah - where the hell are you? And how was the suprise party?

chainreader said...

ok, i think it's time to set up a committee to look for this girl. am i the only worried person here? no stories of the friday party, no mummy sunday, nothing? are you sure we shouldn't be handing out fliers, asking strangers "have you seen this girl?"

i know it'll be hard, seeing as we don't have pictures and all, but we can't just sit down and do nothing. i suggest we do something on NTA news. whadusay? not enough coverage? ok, FOX, then. or CNN! come on, work with me, people!

ps.ONB, if you are in there somewhere, this would be your cue to at least wave to your adoring fans so we know you are ok.

TP said...

Where you at girl?

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

lmao... thanks yall for all the comments but I think y'all would understand what a daunting task it is to try to reply 62 comments at the same time.. hehe. Sorry about not being here for over a week... had a lot of stuff to do... I'll tell y'all about it later. There's stuff that I'm still thinking through in my head cos some things are beginning to unfold in my life. I stay focused and positive. Thanks for your concern. Love you guys... each and every single one of you. I'm going on everyone's blog to see what they've been up to... lol... it's been way too long!!!