Lol… no… not a dildo…well… sort of… I’m talking about a tampon!
Strangely enough, this whole tampon thing just happened by coincidence. My period came out of nowhere (at least I felt it did)
The boyfriend is my new menstrual date-keeper (I have never been able to remember when my period is so every once in a while I appoint someone to keep my period dates for me)… but he obviously isn’t doing his job well as he did not alert me about the upcoming ‘bloodshed’. For that reason as well as the fact that I haven’t had an orgasm in almost two weeks (so I’m highly cranky)… HE’S FIRED. So I’m currently recruiting for a new ‘period date-keeper’. All interested applicants will have to go through a special screening process which will be in three distinct steps:
- They will display their knowledge of the multiplication table from 1-12
- They will give me a foot massage for 14.5 minutes
- They will be tested for mind-altering substances (the positive ones have a ‘higher’ chance of getting through to the next round!)
In the meantime: to increase your chances of winning, you can tell me some of your most recent accomplishments in the comment section of this post. Note: Finishing 2 McDonald Combo’s in 8 minutes does not count as an accomplishment!
Now Like I was saying:
I used a tampon on Saturday for the first time in my 20 years of living!!! I had run out of pads and was lucky to find a tampon that I don’t even remember buying. I was initially freaked out cos I didn’t know how I was gonna stick it in. I called a friend for a pep-talk and she convinced me that I’ve taken ‘dick’ bigger than the tampon (exactly what gave her this impression I have no clue). So I tried. I got stuck somehow cos I wasn’t sure if I put both the plastic part inside and then wind it up inside or if I do it outside the ‘vaginal area’ and then stick it in (lol… I can just picture my male readers going ewwwwww… but y’all gotta learn this… why? I don’t know… BUT YOU DO!!...lmao)
Anyways, I ended up getting the hang of the whole thing and finally got it in.
I walked around for a bit cos I wasn’t sure how I’d feel having a ‘cotton dick’ up my coochie… but somehow it was alright and strangely enough not sexual at all.
They’re not bulky, they just fit in and ‘do the job’ (lol… don’t I just sound like a commercial?!... My former manager Papa Okey always told me I was ‘made for fame’… but that was before he impregnated Ogechi in our village and had to move away to Agbaje… but that’s a story for another day but I’ll just put it out here for now… I am looking for another manager. I have 4 very distinct and unique talents that we can milk!)
Can someone please tell me how I’ve gone through my entire life and not ever been talked into using a tampon
On that note… I sort of expect a written apology from all my female friends, family members and blog readers for not telling me the absolute joy that are tampons.