Wednesday, November 29, 2006

PREGNANT BITCH

Disclaimer: Before I even write this, I want to apologize in advance to every woman who’s ever been pregnant, miscarried or had a child... y'all might get mad at what I'm about to say... but I'm sorry I just have to vent. So please proceed with caution.


I will slap this pregnant bitch that came to stay with her boyfriend in my house if she ever wakes me up from sleep ever again.


I don’t give a fuck if she’s carrying the new generation Osama or Martin Luther… I will slap the fuck outta her if she ever mentions my name again in a weed- induced rant!!


I’m not against people and their little party puffs/drugs… but if it’s making the bitch fucking hallucinatory… then I will knock the craze outta her… bloody stinkass cunt!


Ok I rent a room in a house near school (cos my family home is too far from school) and it’s much more convenient especially as I don’t drive… cos otherwise I’d be spending 6.5 to 7 hours to and from school each day… valuable time that I could spend reading, thinking or fucking!!!


Anyways, there’s so many rooms in the three floors of this house… probably about 10 or so and they’re all rented out… it’s a huge house mind you.


There are a lot of perverts in my house:


1. This old white rocker guy that keeps going on and on about his accident and the hip replacement surgery in 1996… he claims to be disabled (I guess for government and welfare purposes cos trust me he walks around perfectly normal and could do everything I can. Anyways he stinks a little and his room smells like dead roman ass. He has a cat in there and he’s always downloading porn. Our walls are cojoined and he’s always knocking on my walls when I’m having sex… I mean I’m not noisy.. so what his problem?... at least I don’t think I am. One good thing is this man is smart… I mean he can tell you anything from the price of gas in Somalia during the Cold War, the ingredients in a whole wheat bun or George Bush’s salary


2. This fat fucking smelly Italian dude who’s an absolute stinker. He’s so nasty… I mean when he opens his room the entire floor booms! Even my landlord has started asking him to take a shower. He told my housemates that he loves to eat girls out on their periods cos it’s the best… like how ewww is that?!?! Lol… I saw him in the popcorn line at the movie theater on Sunday and the people behind him gave him a 6 feet gap… it’s that bad!!!… good thing is I hardly ever see him!


3. Jamaican Short cutie upstairs(came to Canada for Caribana 2 years ago, got a girl pregnant and relocated here)… one of my favorite people in the house… we watch movies, talk together about everything and I tell his little girlfriends what a nice guy he is to convince them to date him… lol. He’s very nice and made me dinner my first night at the house cos I hadn’t unpacked yet… I mean he stares at my thighs and bow-legs sometimes… but I don’t blame him… they are pretty great if I do say so myself… lol. He’s aces... we’d probably be friends even if we left this house. (I wrote this yesterday but he just pissed me off today by siding with the pregnant bitch… SO FUCK THE BOTH OF THEM FOR NOW… UNTIL I CHANGE MY MIND(Jamaican Nitwits!!!)


4. Fucking White boy that grew up in Thailand that has hairy ass nipples for a 21 year old and a sugar mama to boot. I mean even my landlord thought she was his mom… but no sirree… she’s the girlfriend… goodluck to em… and I don’t know why she never smiles when she says hi back to me… dumb chick! Anyways he’s a cool dude but my problem with him is that he usually leaves little drops of shit in the toilet… like who the fuck can’t just wait and make sure everythings gone?!?! And one time actually tried to say it was me just because I wasn’t there… so that’s why I don’t like him that much anymore.


5. Angolan Christian dude… he’s so sweet… I hardly ever see him but he’s nice too… he’s a singer apparently… he sucks but ignorance is bliss… plus he’s trying so we let him live his dreams… he dances Makossa amazing and I respect him for that… HE ROCKS… I mean really good hearted dude!!!


6. Ugly Nigerian girl that lives downstairs always giving people attitude... I mean you say hi to her and she pretends she doesn’t see it… screw that shit


7. Some DUMB BLONDE that just pisses me the fuck off… In fact I’ll dedicate an entire blog entry to her!


8. Naija dude in the basement that’s pretty nice although it’d be better if he just spoke Naija English or broken instead of always trying to sound ‘Canadian’… its way too forced... but he’s a cool dude… I think he’s a Christian Christian and I respect that… lol… it only sucks that I found this out after I tried to get into a discussion with him about having sex to keep warm in winter or some dumb shit like that (lol.. I know.. me and my ‘openness’)


9. Some African man that lives upstairs that has a serious passion for groundnut soup and white boxers. He’s alright though he does creep me out by constantly checking out my booty and tits… but ah well… I guess he can’t help himself… they are pretty great after all!


10. Sum Strange Jamaican dude in the basement that’s always laughing.. I mean ask this dude whats his name is and he’ll just burst out laughing… like WTF?!?! Homeboy fix your issues… I swear he freaks all of us out… he’s so skinny and tall too but just soo weird… I mean ask him do you drink… he’ll laugh… for at least 10 minutes and no he doesn’t even laugh really… HE GIGGLES>>> LIKE WHAT MAN GIGGLES?!?! I’m sorry to say… I don’t trust a guy who giggles… (I’m open to other people’s opinions… but I don’t trust it all… never have… probably never will)


I hear your questions… why do I live here?! First of all I never saw these people when I came to rent the place and it’s cheaper than residence, it’s a room in a house so I have my privacy and it’s so close to school. Lol… and maybe… just maybe… I’m as weird in my own way as they are!


Now to the real reason I started this post… the room opposite mine is occupied by this Carribean dude that I’ve seen only twice during the whole time I’ve been here (since September). Motherfucker had the audacity to try to ‘chop’ me until I told him I had a boyfriend and no thanks to his short ass noways (even if I was single!) That was when he told me he has a girl who calls herself his girlfriend who he stays with sometimes… apparently she’s pregnant


I don’t care about any of this… but they both moved back in here this weekend… first time I saw her on Friday I said hi and she sort of gave me this nonchalant hi back and I said hi to her gorgeous little daughter. End of story.


Now imagine my fucking shock and surprise to be sleeping on Monday morning and keep hearing yelling in my background… I mean the boyfriend was over the night before and I was trying to rest my bones from the ‘lack of sleep’ the night before… so imagine how peeved I was to be woken up to shouting.


I even thought she was yelling at her man and I know pregnant chicks feel certain ways with hormones and watnot but bitch wasn’t just calling my motherfucking name… yelling oh how the house looked a mess and everybody in the house was a fucking bitch, stinkass and an idiot… the white people.. the black people, the BLACK GIRL>>> BITCH I KNOW YOU DIDN’T SEE ANOTHER BLACK GIRL LIVING UPSTAIRS>>> Bitch has no bloody manners or awareness of how to speak to or approach people… probably dropped out of high school with her slang-speaking, weed-smoking with a dirty-ass, trifling babydaddy… punkass idiot… people like her just get me so riled up and its better I talk about it here than say something that will scar the Dirty ‘Almost- Ugly’ probably grew-up-with-no-affection SKANK! No Brain ‘only-good-for-breeding’ angry tart!!!

She’s going on oh how the stovetop was dirty and how people left dishes in the sink and blah blah blah … I mean I’m not one to advocate any sort of dirtiness but at the same time this bitch just moved in during the weekend and hadn’t even settled in to know the routine or why things were like that at the moment. If the damn thing was so unpleasant why didn’t she get off her ass and do the damn shit and stop yelling all the time… you’re pregnant… but I’m guessing you’re too dumb to read pregnancy reports and books and suchlike… Exertion is obviously too big a word for your tiny ‘angry, fucking in your boyfriends trunk cos he doesn’t think you’re good enough to meet his parents whom he lived with till he was 29, welfare collecting and sucking your mans dick when he comes back from ‘constructing’ another girls pussy” BrainFUCKING CUNT!


The part that even got me mad was she’s going on bout she swears she’ll mess anybody up if she ever sees them talking to her daughter…and people in the house are bitches, cunts, assholes… I’m sorry love your daughter is gorgeous and I have nothing against her… but shut the fuck up before you taint her with your mess… a mother cursing like that in front of a 4 year old… and you wonder why people keep complaining about Most Jamaican mothers… you wonder and you’ll have the nerve to ask yourself why when you tell her to get you a glass of water next week and she tells you to shut the fuck up mommy and do it your damn self?!?! Or that’s acceptable to you?!?!


You’re telling your daughter not to talk to people cos you disagree with them or don’t like something they’re doing… you’re teaching her intolerance at 4, 5 years of age?!?!… how exactly you want her to grow up!?!?! I wish I could say I love everybodys child and therefore particularly give a fuck about not talking to your child… I mean I will tell a child’s mother their daughter/son is beautiful or smart or well-spoken but heaven knows at this stage I don’t feel the urge to get into conversations about the state of the universe with any 4 or 5 year old child regardless of who their parents are!


I just passed their fucking room right now and it reeks of weed… and yes there is a 4, 5 year old there… Seriously… don’t you know what you’re exposing her too… your man wants to smoke... can’t he go outside… and only heaven knows if you’re even smoking with him in there… and only God knows what will happen to your unborn baby… and people blame God when their children have ‘conditions’… like GROW UP AND SMELL THE FUCKING GRASS BITCH... SECOND HAND SMOKE KILLS!!! I bet you probably think there’s nothing wrong with getting wasted every Saturday night even while your pregnant… at least now you’ve cut down from the usual 4 times a week right?!?!?… SILLY BROAD!


So all I have to say is go and choke on a pickle you stupid dumbass fucking ignorant, intolerant and uneducated pregnant fuck... your boyfriend sucks and cheats on you and you’re too fucking stupid and busy getting knocked up to notice… fucking mission in life to accept welfare checks and provide the government with babies that are gonna grow up wearing blue extensions and cussing their teachers in elementary school if you’re not careful… FUCK YOU BITCH… and NEXT TIME YOU WAKE ME UP FROM SLEEP FOR ANY STUPID REASON… I WILL SLAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOU… DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHO YOU ARE, WHO YOU’RE PREGNANT FOR OR WHAT YOU’RE CARRYING IN YOUR STOMACH… SINCE YOU’RE IGNORANT AND A DUMB BROAD… I’LL TREAT YOU LIKE ONE!


{Like I said before I put this up… sorry to any pregnant woman or mother who gets offended reading this… it isn’t a general post… just dedicated to a particular pregnant woman!!! She just got me riled up like you have no idea!!!}

44 comments:

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAAH - I'M FIRST!!!!

Bet you're glad to get that off your chest.

Patrice said...

Got carpal tunnel just reading that . . . A bit of a harsh rant today, but living a stone's throw away from a neighbourhood where this is prevalent, I can sympathise. There is the woman driving around with her children in the back seat listening at deafening volume to a serious gangsta rap laced with profanity and with the chorus "Let's go rob a bank tonight, let's go rob a bank", the guy who drops a quarter in front of a girl and asks her to bend over and pick it up for him, and this tough dude who literally tosses his money at the cashier and demands a pack of cigarettes. Sadly, this is par for the neighbourhood course.

Anonymous said...

dang girl...

wuuuuu ssaaaaaa

breathe :)

nosa101 said...

Pregnant women are nice, y'know. They blame you for airplane seatbelts being tight. Then they insult you because airline food is trash [Note I am only seating beside her and not serving her]. Then she tells you that you have no manners when you want to take a leak. Nice women, aren't they. I wonder what my mum was like when she was pregnant,"Oi, y'bastards. The boy is fucking kicking my tummy"

Vera Ezimora said...

Hehehehehehe. Girl, ndo, but you know what I find 2 be very funny? The guy that leaves lil drops of shit in the toilet. Hahaha. I can only imagine.

Poetic Justice said...

I love it! I had a crazy roomate last semester in school and I had to bounce from that mess because she was driving me up the wall (You can check out that story in my previous posts from January to May)anyway, just call girl and I will assist in slapping the fuck out of someone for you

chainreader said...

hahahahahaha!

breathe girl, breathe!

that's meant to make you feel better. never works!

azuka said...

You seem to be having a really swell time...

azuka said...

Glad you got this off your chest...

tiwalade said...

That girl is so lucky you have this blog to vent all your anger because she sooo doesn't want to see it!How do you cope with all these your mad housemates?..d shit dropper,the stinking italian,groundnut soup loving african,the dumb blonde et al....mehn, there should be a reality show for that your house Oh!

Mari said...

Oh lord, am speechless. First off, HOW DO YOU LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH THAT MUCH PEOPLE????? Girl, you are something else sha. Buahahhahahhah! I swear I would pay $1000 just to visit you right now.

Biodun said...

wuuuuuuuuuu saaaaaaaa girl, men u live with a bunch opf interesting peeps, I seriously dont know how u manage, but I guess once ur door is closed ur in ur own space. The girl sounds crazy, or maybe its just d hormones, dont sweat it girl!

Anonymous said...

lol - really cool. At least thank your stars you have your own room. Had one crazy roommate last year who would wake me up at 4 in the morning , drunk mind you, with 7 of her drunk, disgusting, no-brainer friends. I am so glad I'm outta there

Funmi said...

U definately need an e-hug right about now....here...... now say after me wuuuuuuuuuuu saaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

NaijaBloke said...

Fight!fight!!fight!!! ...

$5 on ONB and $3 on the pregnant babe ..anyone down for a bet ..LOL

Nne na wah ..just cos we r having some small issues with Vera,u wan take it out on pregnanat woman ..abeg I no get liability insurance o,if someborri sue us o ..LOL

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jadedkiss said...

lol! pele. you're going to feel like such a drama queen when u calm down.

Anonymous said...

Pheww....Boy' I'm tired after reading all of that. Take it easy ONB. I'm going to get some 'ice cold water'

O another note...Its kinda interesting I see another sapphire with the same blog background and stuff...for a second I was like..noo...thats not my comment..

Anonymous said...

My name is Doctor Agama Lizard and I recommend that you take a valium right after you walk into your residence...your arteries may explode if ya dont....lol

angie said...

Babe take it eazy oh..lol. i can actually feel your anger rite outta my computer! !!
U really have some "interesting" people in your building.

Aussies are forever said...

Your post had me laughing at work, I might get in touble now but that was funny stuff girl

Anonymous said...

i dont know if i should laugh.....ah fuck it. LMAAAAAAAAOO! geezus, one house. na wa oh.

i place all bets on onb beating da hell out of pregnant percher!

Anonymous said...

LMAO! This girl don sick finish!
Fight with pregnant woman? hahahah...ur homeboy still dey form that english? ah!!!!

Yosh said...

gosh! That's deep. I don't blame you though, I mean, she had it coming.

Breathe, stretch and shake it off!

Boy, but you've sure got company out there, yo! :P

chioma said...

My dear no offence taken! I have two babies and I am so upset when I see those welfare chicks who get pregnant for welfare cheques .I mean what kind of person does that..Its bad enought that she doing that (cus believe me tahst the only reason she having kids) but worse that she is exposing the child to weed. her daughter is probably going to be messed up, which is so sad..LOL I would run away from your building!what am I saying I live in a room with 7 strange girls for 2years in Uni in Naija. one day will tell u that story.I can totally relate to at least 2 of your flat mates ps.thanks for wishing me well after my near miss..always get shivers when i pass that junction. God bless

Anonymous said...

LOl...mad funny post at least u got that out of ur system personally i think she deserves a nice fat slap...xx

Anonymous said...

this babe u need counselling

LondonBuki said...

What a bunch of interesting xters you live with! I have only one flatmate and I hate it! Wow!!!

The woman is not serious, I feel sorry for the baby and her 4 year old.

Anonymous said...

I hope you are a lot better now that you've spilled it out?

Question: Do you think you should find another place?

Very soon, nobody will be able to tell who is sane and who's not you know?

yankeenaijachick said...

@overwhelmed naijababe......this is some serious shit. you really let the thing out like dang. Ok, where do l start from. I can imagine having to deal with some of the dirty people you live with. that plain sucks. Well, some serious shit you having to live with on a daily basis. Anyways, much love to a strong black african woman for going through all this and yet standing tall.

BabaAlaye said...

Hey Sorry i'm late again.

Let it all out girl. Inhale... Exhale easy....

Would you like a foot massage?
and a warm hug?

36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...

ONB,

na wa o. how can u live with all thse ppl, u dont crase o. hola at me when u r ready to beat the chick up, ill fly straight there man. ashewo like that ode.

Uzo said...

Wow. Too many odd people in a confined space. You need to ignore her....Pele

Anonymous said...

Interesting read but why dont you have the nerves to approach the so called "pregnant bitch"? And i you could have types this without swearing. We know you're pissed and all, but you're just as guilty as HER.

nosa101 said...

Anonymous strikes again...........duh..duh..duh..duhhhhhhh

Calabar Gal said...

OWNB!! In this my old age, I have no idea what weed smells like!! How do u know it was weed and not ordinary cigarettes they were smoking? LOL

Shared houses can be such a drag sonetimes. Just keep to urself, keep the shared parts of the house clean after using them and generally MYB!! Did u leave behind dirty dishes, work top or cooker? Beats my imagination why she cose to scream ur name of all the people in the house!!

We prefer you alive to give us more drama in blogville so please say away from the pregnant bitch and her brood!!! LOL

Anonymous said...

I can relate , but all i gotta say is that's why i live alone now and even if i'm short on my rent a few times lol(i always get it together ,hustler baby) , I love being by myself.So u can't even have u're Man in the Kitchen DAMN!!!! U need to move, cheap or not.

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

Hey yall... thanks for the comments... the verdict is still out on that girl... I really don't wanna do anything... she being pregnant and all... but if she pushes me to the wall... I'm sorry to say I don't know what will happen... might be a talk, a shout... maybe a slap or a knock. God give me the strenght to resist the urge to do something terrible to this girl... AMEN!!!

Anonymous said...

sweet heaven!!!

i havent stopped laughing since the first line.

Anonymous said...

its kind of sad but its true bitches makes the world go round that why the worlds full of bitches

Anonymous said...

you have issues, i mean damn. ya she pissed you off but all that cursing and the drama is just too much. 'ANGER CLASS", i feel you but damn take it easy.

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

Overwhelmed - try and take a deep breathe - Im sure your happy youve said it all now -

Anonymous said...

my DAYS! i'm still reeling from the insults, i don't even know where to start applauding you from! odikwa very serious!

Anonymous said...

Hi Ma'am,

Great posting. But I will wait for the sequel when you get pregnant. No when your pregnancy gets to the second trimester.

*grin*