Saturday, November 11, 2006

Mummy Sunday 3

Inspired by one of my favorite bloggers LondonBuki, this is my third Mummy Sunday post!!! I dedicate it to all the women out there who have been emotionally, mentally or physically abused. I dedicate it to all those who stay in terrible situations for ‘fear’, ‘the children’ or ‘love’. I hope that one day you find the strength to let go!!!

He Hits Me

He hits me when I argue
He hits me when we disagree

He hits me when he’s sad
He hits me when he’s had a bad day
He hits me when he’s mad

He hit me when I confronted him for cheating
He hit me cos I had girls

He hit me so hard after the caesarian that my wound reopened
He hit me so hard I had a double file at the emergency
He hit me so hard the doctor knew I didn’t fall down the stairs

He hits me when I dance with male friends at parties
He hits me when I hang out with people he thinks are bad influences
He hits me when I wear clothes he hasn’t seen cos he thinks I’m frivolous or they’re from another man
He hits me cos no one sees what he’s doing to me

He hits me when I don’t give him everything I make
He hits me when I’m helpless
He hits me when I try to defend myself
He hits me cos I have no one to protect me

He hits me when I’m wrong
He hits me when I’m right cos that implies that he’s wrong
He hits me cos I want to make things work and not leave him

He hits me cos my family already loves him
He hits me cos he knows I don’t want the kids to grow up without a father
He hits me cos there’s never been a divorce in my family and he knows I don’t want to be the first

My name is ‘Mama Overwhelmed’: I love my husband, but he hits me!!! I’m emotionally drained; He’s slowly sapping my energy, my life… my soul.


imoted said...

May God continue to give your mum the strength she needs. I can't a man that hits his woman.

Anonymous said...

I just pray that God will take care of your mum. It is not at all easy to go through that sort of thing.

Soul said...

oh Gosh overwhelmed...
I pray no-one goes through this ever again.

In the middle there somewhere are these..

He hit me because he said I made him do it.
He hit me because he says he loves me
He hit me and says, no one will believe you, because your family all love me
He hits me and says, I forgive you for making me angry
He hits me and minutes later he tries to kiss me.
He hits me and threatens to take my kids away from me if I leave
He hit me until I became unrecognisable to myself.

*sigh* thank God your mother already 'overcame'

SapphireAster said...

WOW. Thank God for your Mama O! Its just sad how many women stay with men that cheat and lie and treat them like crap!
Thank God she got out and it was def for good..maybe she should consider talking to women in similar situations.. God Bless You & Your Momma!

azuka said...

You might want to look at

I'm so happy that your mom's over it. I can say my Dad has never hit my mom, which is one thing I respect him for. I've seen too many homes where beating is a daily occurence, and when I was young I used to cry with the children of the woman who was being beaten.

[As if I'm old now!]

TP said...

That is so sad. I don't understand men that hit their wives. So sorry it happened in your family. I'm glad your mum picked up the courage to leave him in the end.

Angie said...

this is so sad. Why do men hit women, esp when they can't fight back?
Thank God for ur mama. we really need a system who will put wife/girlfriend beaters were they belong....pycho hospitals!!!

Beautifully Human said...

sounds like you and your mum have really been through a lot and have emerged stronger women. may God continue to give you the strength to overcome.

Uzo said...

This piece made me cry.....

jadedKiss said...

love can be so blinding.. but your mum escaped. Thank God for her, for strength, for you guys.
(you wrote this beautifully, as always babe)

Funmi said...

this piece is deep.your mum definately has alot of inner strength....

TaureanMinx said...

I love the way Nigerians never use bad terms to describe your dad. It shows we r still very respectful. Besides he's still your dad and nothing can change that but really bad that it had to be like this for you guys. I'm glad your mum was able to get out of it eventually. No one deserves to be treated like that. I'm glad that you too are in a loving relationship.

temmy said...

A man that beats his wife to the best of my knowledge isnt just man enough to be a husband. We are supposed to be the weaker sex....... This piece touched me.

Soul said...

hmmm, I can only speak for myself when I say, I'm being respectful of Overwhelmed and not necessarily her dad.
There have been a few choice words that have escaped my lips on reading these pieces... but they have been directed not at her dad, but at mine.

Sometimes I don't think uis Naija folk don't condemn what really should be condemned and thus subconciously we give the victim the impression that either we support/condone it or that we think it's unavoidable and we should just get used to it.

Biodun said...

wow, I am also happy your mom is no longer experiencing this. Why do men do this again, its rather sad

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

Isn't it amazing what alot of women have to put up with because of love and children - and it always seem to happent to women with inner strength - Imagin if your mum was one of those hit me Ill hit you back kinda women - the man will not try again - cause na serious boxing fight. someone must die kinda fight - Your mum reminds me of may strong nigerian women who seem to find themselves in such situations. Im glad your mum now has peace of mind. Take care hun.

Anonymous said...

This is an emotional issue for me and one i am strongly against. I do not advocate or TOLERATE abuse in any form. I cannot possibly imagine what your mum went though and the sacrifices she has made for her children. But i know God cannot give us more than we cn handle..and it has/will only make her stronger. I have never been married and ive never had to make sacrifices for children, but i have been in a similar situation, all in the name of love. And its something that our community overlooks, even though so MANY WOMEN have been there or are going thru it. Physical or any kind of abuse is not easy to get over. But i believe you mum is a strong woman for even putting up with it for the sake of keeping her family together. I Pray your family never has to experience such again.

stranger said...

can one soul deal with so much pain?...he offers a balm...jer31v3...the hand-me-downs of pain stop there...

Vera Ezimora said...

Overwhelmed, I'm so so so sorry.

Icy said...

You know it's things like this that drive women to commit murder and we can't exactly feel bad for the jack asses at that point... It's just weak to hit a woman... Only weak men do that.. but how do women identify this flaws before they get hitched.. Love is blind sha..!

another_facade said...

This could totally be my mom's story...

He hit me when I used to go to church without him
He hit me when he went into politics and lost, said I didn't support him
He hit me when his business failed, said I was a witch
He hit me when I told my friend, said I was a snitch

He hit me because my family doesn't care about me
He hit me because my brother said I'd married him and belonged to me
He hits me and draws blood over and over again
He hits me and makes the neighbours snicker when they see my bloodshot eyes

The kids are grown and mostly gone and now ask why don't I leave him
He's now a pastor and charismatic and perfect outside
But at home, he hits me.

another_facade said...

this line should read:
*He hit me because my brother said I'd married him and belonged to him*

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@imoted: Amen

@Babe: No it’s not… my dear I hope we never go through it… ever… the crying, the cover-ups

@Soul: I really pray so too… and it’s funny cos when females are in those situations they always have so many excuses for “HIS BEHAVIOUR”… no he’s not hitting you cos he loves you, cos he’s correcting you, cos he doesn’t know any different.. HE’S HITTING YOU COS HE IS A COLD, SAD SON OF A *****!!! Yes… thank God she overcame… but its funny cos a lot of who she is right now has been shaped by what she went through yearsssss ago!

@SapphireAster: yup… it’s really sad… even sadder that it’s happening right now as we speak…

@azuka: I’m gonna check that out right after I reply all these comments. You should be glad not to have experienced it cos it’ll affect not your just mom but you and your siblings, you know. Awww.. ur such a sweetie

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Tp: My dear… neither do I… whatever happened to open dialogue, just honest communication… even yelling at worst? I’m glad she did too.. for her sake and ours… cos a dead mom wouldn’t really be a mom to me!

@Angie: I’m all for the psycho hospitals for real… I mean the nerve to hit a woman… a woman who’s softer, weaker than a man is… it’s a damn shame!!!

@Beautifully Human: lol… we have… haven’t we? Amen

@Uzo: Thanks for your tears… cos sometimes I can’t even cry for myself anymore…

@JadedKiss: yes it can be blinding… it took her a long while and so much damage was done in that period… but she left eventually… and that’s a celebration in and of itself. Thanks babe… I appreciate

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Funmi: Thanks babe… yes, she does

@TaureanMinx: My dear you don’t even know the half of it… but things are definitely shaping up and we’re in a great place in our family and personal lives right now… Thank God for that

@Temmy: he’s not even fit to call himself a man… Thanks babe

@Soul: That is so right… that’s probably why a lot of fucked up shit is still going on in our society because not talking about it or just ignoring it completely makes it seem alright you know… raping and touching little girls, men hitting their wives, unnecessarily hitting children… so many other issues… they’re treated as unfortunate but inescapable… which is absolute rubbish!!

@Biodun: my dear.. one of the mysteries of the universe… thanks for dropping by

@The Life of a stranger: My dear… she tried hitting back and it was worse… he hit her worse than he would a man…. He wanted a slave not a wife, a submissive not an equal… she was strong but it took her years of pain, hurt and abuse to finally say enough is enough!

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Zaiprincesa: my dear you have no clue… just thinking about it gets me so ******. You’re right… she did emerge a stronger person in the end… I just wish she didn’t have to go through all that to become the person that she is today you know…. I really hope no guy ever tries to hit me… cos if he escapes with his balls intact… he’d be a very lucky man and I really mean that!

@stranger: I really love your bible quotes… I’m gonna go check it out right now

@Vera: Thanks babe… really, so am I … cos so much could’ve been different

@Icy: my dear say it and say it again…thanks for stopping by… have a great day!

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Another_facade: whao… whao… when you tell your story and feel like it’s the worst… you hear someone elses. I’m really sorry to hear your mom’s story and I know how much more harder it is especially if she loves him… he’s a pastor and she wouldn’t know exactly how to begin cos she doesn’t want to leave him, she thinks it’s gonna get better, she doesn’t want to tarnish his image… It’ll be alright babe… sometimes things have a way of working themselves out… God bless your mom, mine and every other who’s been ‘hit’.

Anonymous said...

I'm just glad your mom is out of it, one way or the other.

Our whole culture thing and allowing men do whatever they want with us really has to be done away with, and fast!

Anonymous said...

I missed u deary , u where gone for hella days. Anywho ,Gosh nobody should have to go through that kind of nonesense.Many women are not lucky enough to get out of those kinds of situations alive , I'm glad u're mom did Thank God(Karma is a *itch , he might not get his now but he'll get IT).
If i ever get hit i think i'll go with Madeas(Madea's Family Reunion) method and offer him some HOT GRITS, if i happen to be in Naija I'll offer him some Hot oil *wink*

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Abbey: I thank God for that too! Yes it does… the sooner the better before more women are made victims in a society/culture that allows them to be taken advantage of and abused

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Nigerican: lol… awwww… thanks sweetie(so you noticed eh.. my internet wasn’t working for a few days cos my stupid housemate spends too much time downloading porn and techno jazz!!!) lmao… I think I’m liking the idea of this Madea woman oh… sumbody else mentioned so now I definitely have to go watch the movie!!! Lmao… I’m all for the hot palm oil idea… teach him a lesson… lol… make I go check ur blog self whether you don update or not!!!

Anonymous said...

Babe glad your mum got out and got out alive and with you and your siblings.

For all the husbands and fathers like him who are psychotic bastards, I dont think we should try and understand why they do things cos we cant understand what goes on in their sick twisted minds. (Azuka that video was painful to watch)

I would write ...

I stayed because of the kids
I stayed because i didn't want to admit i made the wrong decision
I stayed because he threathened to kill me, the kids and then himself
I stayed because i was scared he really would
I stayed because i felt sorry for him
I stayed because i thought i could help heal him
I stayed because he was physically too stong for me
I stayed because i lived in a prison
I stayed because i had nothing
I stayed because if i left i wouldn't be able to look after the kids on my own
I stayed because i lied to myself that by abusing me, he wouldn't abuse the kids
I left because i was forced to open my eyes

The Mistress said...

This is absolutely tragic! I hate to be the crude one in the comments but can you say "burning bed" cause that would be my M.O if this ever happened to me.

Soul said...

that's the thing...
When you go through it, you know that the woman you once knew as your mother is no more.
There are glimpses but she has changed because of her experience.

People forget, that the woman isn't just hit overnight.
The emotional and psychological abuse comes first.
An almost total decimation of the woman's character and emotionalwell being. It starts slowly, she is slowly isolated from her friends and family. She is made to fearfor the welfare of her children.
the first hit might not come for a long time, it always comes at a time when the man knows that you have no other options, because hehas played his hand soo well and you have become dependable.

At that point it's open war.
People keep asking why the women stay... well partly because the man has put the woman in such a position that she has no one to turn to. And inNaija you know what our friends and family say...
they say 'I'm sorry I don't want to get in the middle of it'.

but they don't even need to say that sometimes becuase by this time the woman begins to hate herself. she can't understand what happened to the person she used to be she wants to fight to hold onto who she is but it becomes difficult because the husband is treating her like a child.

Overhwlemed, your mother overcame because she is alive. i never for one minute imagined her to be completely unscathed.

i think people don't understand that you never emerge from that unscathed. Sigh.
I'd say much more, but this is already too painful.

Be well

Anonymous said...

sometimes i think your blog is here to remind me of my greater responsibility to the women around me, and to that woman who ultimately will share my life.

you remind me
to be truthful
to be respectful
to be gentle
to love, without reserve
and never to cause physical pain
because the consequences
of cruel and thoughtless actions
last longer
than the life of a bruise.

i am sorry that your mom had to go through this. your words push me to make a covenant with myself, and my God, to be the best man that i can be to the people in my life.

i'd like to meet your dad in a boxing ring.

Everchange said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Everchange said...

it's so sad. this is the sort of work i'm getting involved in (ending domestic violence in Nigeria), and I have to say ppl don't know the extent to which this stuff happens. Governors, Business Moguls, Bus Conductors, Lawyers, all levels of society women are abused at home. I love what Noni Moss and Soul said because it really captures the reasons why women stay...because they've been isolated so long, because they've been abused enough to change their persona so they don't act like you or I would who have not experienced it. Many women, after seeking help from the few organizations operating in Nigeria that support victims of violence, end up returning to their husbands because he swears he has changed and showers her with the sort of attention she has been desiring. Just working for a women's rights ngo has made me grow disillusioned about this stuff...i no longer think it only happens to "weak" women or irrational women, or women who don't know better, or women who send out signals that they tolerate abuse. It can happen to anyone! And it is never women's fault!!

lata said...

Thank God for healing your mum to share her story and the strength to move on. I feel there are really no warning signs of a potential abusive spouse. Some even hate themselves after inflicting the pain on the other. These stories make me scared to commit.

chioma said...

I am glad ur mum had the strength to leave, I am sorry u all had to watch that happen. I am really against divorce but one slap from my husband and I and my kids are out! I salute your mums strength and courage.. I know theres this lady in naija who just started a resource center after being in an abusive relationship for 4 years..will try and get her info she might learn some stuff from you and mumsie

chioma said...

I am glad ur mum had the strength to leave, I am sorry u all had to watch that happen. I am really against divorce but one slap from my husband and I and my kids are out! I salute your mums strength and courage.. I know theres this lady in naija who just started a resource center after being in an abusive relationship for 4 years..will try and get her info she might learn some stuff from you and thanks for dropping by my blog

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@lata: Thank God for his infinite mercies… you don’t know how hard it’s been to try to get over stuff… things that happened to me and things that happened around me… but I guess that’s life… you deal with it the best you can and leave the rest to God… cos you’re right… sometimes there are no warning signs

@Chioma: I’m glad too… for all our sakes… whao… I hope she’s successful cos many women need to get the message “ITS NOT OK FOR HIM TO HIT YOU!!!”… thanks for coming by mine too.. and once again… welcome to blogsville!

folu said...

I hope you're still reading this, I only just read your blog this morning. I feel for your mum, you and your family and I thank God, your mum is well.
Others have touched on what I want to say. People think abuse (physical, emotional, whatever!) only happens to weak women (those with low self-esteem) but it doesn't. It can happen to anyone. It usually doesn't just happen in a blink of an eye, there's usually emotional abuse first. The way he talks to you, the way he isolates you from your family, friends, people you can rely on. I've never experienced it or seen it in practice but just from my readings, i've realized it can happen to anyone. As women, we all have to be cautious of men, especially when it comes to marriage. I think it is possible to see signs, if you do open your eyes and do not believe all the hoopla about love. Love is about actions NOT feelings. He might be all loving but do you really KNOW him? Do you know his character? How does he relate with his mum or anyone (especially those he considers "lower" than him? We should all just be careful.

Also when someone shares with us what they're going through, let us be kind. Nigerians can be hurtful sometimes, so people don't seek out help. They endure.....for their children, because they think they have no where to turn. For your children, leave. Your children should not be in that type of environment. I pray for all those in these kinds of situations and pray that if I ever see something like this, I don't look away, I don't look down on the woman, I help the woman in whatever way I can.

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@folu: I’ve lived it and hopefully I’ve learnt something from my mom… I have no desire whatsoever to experience it. Thanks for your comment… you’ve touched on just about every issue and I to o pray that if I ever see something like this that I’ll be in a position to help! God bless you

Anonymous said...

Sad, Sad Sad!!! My heart goes out to your mom and i pray for her deliverance
This is what happens when the society preconditions us that we must get married and staying married means success.

I look at a lot of young girls getting married these days...sad but the truth is half of them will end of up like this. it's not a curse. it's the truth that comes out after you marry for the wrong reasons. The signs are always there but then we have been taught to endure. You marry because all your friends are married. therefore, you stay and tolerate abuse because your friends are still happily married and you need to keep faking that you are happily married.

We should look and learn from our moms pains and simply refuse not to be another generation of vicitms. I appreciate your sharing this with us. I see it as a strong message to empower the newer breeds

Anonymous said...

Its really sad what ur mum went through. It should serve as a lesson to all women for us to stand up for ourselves when we are not treated right. The signs are always there but we fail to see them. I pray God opens our eyes to see the truth.

Also, as women, we should bring up our boys to respect the women folks its a start for curing this ills. We also need to teach them the way of the Lord as their foundation.

You guys will be surprised to know that this sort of thing has been going from generation to generation in 'papa overwhelmed's family'. It could also be as a result of his child hood. Don't blame me for trying to understand, its just that i dont believe that people can be inordinately evil.

We women should liberate each other.


Adedoyin said...

A MAN THAT HITS A WOMAN..his a worthless fool. A coward. I will make sure.. he stays in Jail....

Copido said...

Oh dear, what a man! I hope your mum fought him and bit him and gave him scars. Some men are animals.....

Afrobabe said...

This are part of the reasons one doesn't want to marry a nigerian,though my dad never hit my mum,I have seen friends and relatives who's husbands can get away with murder...our problem is we see divorce as a failure!It should be a release.

simplegal said...

This piece, and practically all your mummy sunday posts brought tears to my eyes. You, your mum and your sis have been through so much and yet you are still so strong! You are an inspiration, and I pray the Lord will continue to strenghthen you and keep your mum. Give her a big hug, I love her already.
I'm new here, but you're already on my blogroll. Stay strong, positive and beautiful!