Monday, October 02, 2006

You took me to the gynecologist when I was eight

You were supposed to come and get me after school today daddy.

I waited and waited and you never showed up.

I talked to Cynthia for a little while but her parents came and got her.

I joked with Adewunmi for a few minutes, but he rushed home to watch cartoons.

Kayode and I smiled at each other before his sisters came to pick him up.

I’m alone, tired, hungry and bored… I just want to come home

I know you’re probably busy in court so I’ll be a good girl and just wait.

It’s getting dark and I’m still waiting

I might as well find my way home.

I know the route so I’ll walk and recite Psalm 23 every step of the way:

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I fear no evil

For thou art with me

Thy rod and thy staff; they comfort me…”

I get home safe... safe, but late

There’s no light on in the house… it’s so hot

They tell me I’m in trouble

I’ve done nothing wrong… but I’m scared

I try to pee and I can’t

It burns… I’m so hot and scared

You call out my name and I freeze up

I pray for God to help me… but I know he’s on your side

He listens to adults more than children

Cos if he listened to me, mommy would be here

I walk into your room with my heart in my hands

You ask me where I’ve been and I tell you:

I was waiting for you and you never came… I knew you’d forgotten about me

You ask me what I was doing in the backyard with that boy

I swore innocence… I wasn’t with any boy

You’re silent for a lifetime

You calmly lay out a cane and a wire and ask me to pick my punishment

I choose the cane

You whip me, you flog me, you hurt me

I’m completely numb

I want to crawl into eternal oblivion

Away from the pain

Cos I’m 8 and my soul is slowly dying

When you’re done, you order me to change from my school uniform

You take me to my school and go in to talk to the principal

I’m so scared in the car cos I’ve started doubting myself

Was I with any boy? Did I do anything with any boy?

Did you know I smiled at Kayode after school today?

Or are you referring to the day I was in the backyard with Kayode and the class making paper marches?

I didn’t do anything with any boy

I only smile at Kayode cos I can't help it... he’s nice; he holds the door for me to go into the cafeteria even though Lillian buys him so many presents

Did my English teacher tell you about the note that the landlord’s son Chucks put in my school skirt when I’d spread it outside two weeks ago?

Do you now know that he drew me a palm tree to show how beautiful he thinks I am?

Do you know he drew a heart after my name in the letter?

I hope you know that I DON'T smile back at him.

I’m saving smiles for Kayode.

You stomp back into the car

My heart stops

I don’t breathe or move… I just exist

We drive and drive and I pray we never stop cos I know that once we do… the pain will continue

You’re going to rip me to shreds

I miss my mommy

Why did she bring us back to this?

If I’d known it was going to be this way…

I’d never have cried every night to meet you

I’d never have starved myself for her to notice

I’d never have paid any attention to Emily and the other girls when they made fun of me cos I had no dad

I want my mommy

If mommy comes back and takes me away from here, I’d never ask for you again. I promise I’ll be good forever… I’ll stop smiling at Kayode.

The car stops abruptly

We’re in front of a hospital… I hate hospitals

Your eyes are red, my heart is cold… We walk inside.

TO BE CONTINUED (sorry guys, this was a little painful for me to write)


babe said...

Oh my gosh...girl you have me in serious tears....very awesome blog...its simple but it still makes me think...keep writing

Azuka said...

I'm right there with you -- such a touching testimony. The horrors we suffered at the hands of our never-wrong parents.

imoted said...

Looks like you have been through a lot. read your other post "I hate the night". Girl keep your head up.

Angie said...

.............Speechless, thatz wat i feel rite now.U really have a way wit words

Poetic Justice said... many tears. You sharing makes me want to confront my demons.

Anonymous said...

wow babe..i'd hoped it was fiction. my heart goes out..
i only hope writing about it actually helps u get past this.

Anonymous said...

i dont know you but i love u...i love u for sharing pain that many of us cannot's healing... God bless you

Anonymous said...

Nice one!

LondonBuki said...

Wow... You never can tell what people have gone through or are going through in their lives.

God bless you.

Soul said...

In your own time.. lady in your own time..
It will be good.

Onya Baquebeich said...

this is probably THE only way you could have written this and you'dve done it superbly. there are soome things you might find too hard to share. no one is insensitive enough to treat this as just "gist" if you dont feel like completing this... dont. Absolutely no need to apologise. I hope you're good.

zaiprincesa said...

WOW!..i couldnt stop reading once i had started..but now that im done, i cannot cry for u...i can only smile...a huge GRIN matter of fact...cus u have risen and will continue to rise above wotever adversity comes ur way. U r a strong woman....

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@babe: thanks girl… I’m still processing this stuff.. it’s a little hard

@Azuka: I know… I thought I’d put the incident away forever, but I remember it as vividly 12 years later as the day it happened.

@Imoted: Thanks babe… I hate the night was about another family member… I guess these things are meant to make you stronger.

@Angie: Thanks girl

@Poetic Justice: you should’ve seen me when I was writing it… my heart was soo cold… I went back there and it was awful… my dear confront your demons, I think putting it out there sometimes helps you with healing.

@JadedKiss: Amen

@Anonymous: Thank you and God bless you too… I really hope God gives me strength to be alright with certain situations and be able to truly forgive my dad cos he’s hurt me so much

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Confessions: Thanks babe

@LondonBuki: Amen. To this day I haven’t told my mom, family or most friends cos it’s too painful to talk about… I hope in writing I find the release I seek.

@soul: Amen!!!

@Ai’hammed: thanks babe… I think I have to write about it cos it’s the first step to be able to look at it objectively and maybe talk about it with my mom especially so that she can understand why I lashed out at certain times when she accused me of ‘chilling’ with boys. I’m good… but I just want to live my life with the least amount of guilt, pain and bad memories as possible… I only remember my nightmares Delot, and my dad’s in a lot of them.

@Zaiprincesa: Thanks for your words of encouragement… they mean a lot to me… In the words of Maya Angelou: “I'm a woman/Phenomenally/Phenomenal woman,/That's me.”

Anonymous said...

oh my God babe i felt ur pain all the way to the end of this post and i had tears in my eyes. ur such a brave person to have gone through all these and still be the way you are! lots of love and hugs

Kris said...

I wanted to say something eloquent or insighful but the pain of your words is choking that out of me. I pray for all the little girls who don't have a voice and I thank you for being that for them... if only for a moment.

nosa101 said...

you were 8 and he thought you were with a boy. You are not alone my dad is a bit of a prick too. He has berated everything I have done since I was born.But it keeps making me want to be greater than he is. He keeps calling me daft and tries to make me feel stupid.That is one of the reasons i don't want to get married. I was one of the youngest people in my graduating class and i might be the youngest one in my freshman year because of him. i try to do things older people do. I think he is a piece of shit. I heard a story about a kid who asked his mum for a gun for christmas. he wanted to killhis father for beating his mum. I get thoughts like that too. I just want to put a gun to the bastard's head and say "I have achieved more than you ever did in your life". He even told me he wouldn't pay for a doctorate degree (I really want one because he doesn't) because he never got one. In my opinion, he was too daft for one. Shite!! This is quite long. Sorry.

ChiefO said...

painful thot u have there. shedding a tear or millions right about now. but stay strong you might just be the strength some people need to get through theirs.

SapphireAster said...

wow...intense! I feel you..kinda. lets leave it at that! Well Written!

Noni Moss said...

Girl, I dont know what to say. The power of your words just blow me away. It's hard to read your story without blinking back the tears ... I think we all feel your pain but cheer the strong, beautiful woman you are now. Good luck with the rest of your journey.

JJ said...

interesting read...
good stuff!

Vera Ezimora said...

ONB, gal, what can I say? I can only imagine your pain, but I agree with LondonBuki, you really never know what one has been thru. Keep up the good work babe. I'm about to add your link 2 list of blogs I visit, so I can find you easily. God Bless

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@LifeTRTG: Thanks for going on the journey with me… it means a lot

@Kris: I pray for those little girls too cos thousands of stories go untold and in that way the pain continues to live on.

@Nosa: My dear I don’t even know what to say about your story cos sorry just isn’t enough. My dad slapped me for having pimples. Parents think that by undermining us, they better us… but it’s on the contrary cos it makes us feel like we’re only as good as our grades, our looks, our behaviour. Nosa from when I was younger I sought to be smarter than everybody I knew cos then maybe things would be alright… I started high school at 8, graduated at 13… and the pain still hasn’t gone away… he never changed. No matter how smart or well- behaved, I was never good enough cos I’m female. With love around me and time, I’ve learnt that I’m great as I am… even when I get a C on a test, even when I break the dishes, even when I occasionally break out in pimples cos I’m young and these things happen… I’m GOOD ENOUGH AND SO ARE YOU NOSA. By being a great person, nice to others and deriving joy in yourself, other people’s accomplishments and life in general… YOU’RE ALREADY BETTER THAN HIM!!!.

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@ChiefO: I’m trying… Thanks for your encouragement

@ Sapphire, Noni Moss, JJ & Vera: Thanks a lot… I really appreciate your kind thoughts and support

naijadyme said...

damn girl wat can i say u brought tears to ma eyes.. its sum deep stuvs.... i hope u ok... u kno i love you and im always dere for u

Everchange said...

i'm sorry you've gone through stuff like this. it takes serious strength on ur part to talk about it. you're not alone.

Desola said...

Oh my! I feel you, infact, very deeply! It's like you're my mouthpiece right now. The things we have suffered in the hands of our parents, where do we begin to narrate? God bless you for this piece and I pray that you keep rising, higher and higher!

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

Im feeling alittle different right now - take care hun - hope you are feeling much better.

Icy-Yetty said...

babz!.. I don't know if this is you or fictional either way, it is heart felt. I empathize with you deeply... wow!

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@naijadyme: Thanks for your love, friendship and for always being there for me no matter what… I love you too

@Everchange, Desola, Life of a stranger: Your kind words mean a lot to me… I really appreciate it… I’m trying to overcome my past cos I know it still affects my future when I keep it in

@Icy- Yetty: It’s me… part of the reason I started this blog is so I can vent… I have so much inside and it’s harder to talk about some stuff face to face… so I write and I write and I write. I hope that one day as I write… I find the answers. Thanks for coming through

NaijaBloke said...

Wow! Gurl this is a nice way to deal with the pain,but try and get the hate outta ur heart cos that hurts and kills u more and always try and use this as a thanksgiving as well.

Take it easy

Beautifully Human said...

i truly pray that the grace of the good lord will give you the strength to rise above every adversity you have ever faced and that you experience HIS peace. God bless you.

NaijaBloke said...

I answered ur question on my blog.

Belle said...

woah! that must have been a traumatic experience...sorry you had to go through it...

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@NaijaBloke: Thanks babe… I didn’t know until I started writing the post how much hate and painful memories there actually was… I cried while I wrote parts of it… but I guess that where the healing starts from. I check your blog… I no see your answer… make you paste the answer for my blog

@BeautifullyHuman: Amen… Thanks a lot and God bless you too

@Belle: It was traumatic… still is… but I guess we learn as we live.

TP said...

It must have been hard for you to go through such a traumatic childhood. It's good you are dealing with it and expressing with words now, giving a voice to many of us who can't find a way to let the hurtful feelings out. Keep your head up sister, you are strong and you will rise above everything anybody has done to you to make you feel less than who you are. Keep it up.

Queen Ebong said...

I am having the same experience and now I hate my dad more than ever.
I wanted to write about myself on my blog but I didnt have the courage, so I decieded to let it pass even though it hurts.

Favoured Girl said...

Girl, please send me an email. My addy is on my profile page.