Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Part 2: You took me to the gynecologist when I was eight

I still remember how the hospital looks daddy

Ugly and cold on the outside… uglier and colder on the inside

I was just happy for anything that kept me from the house

I still didn’t know what the principal had told you


We wait and wait and wait

I constantly switch positions in my seat cos my bum hurts

Hot, swollen, firy darts of hurt


He comes out in his white lab coat with his headphones and walks towards you

I really hope you’re sick cos then maybe they’d keep you here for a while

Maybe then mommy would come and take us back

I miss mommy… she held my hand


You smile at the doctor; you only smile at strangers

Daddy, why don’t you smile at me?

Do I look too much like mommy?

Why do you hate mommy?

Uncle liked her, grandma liked her, I like her

She was nice and made really good popcorn

She smiled at us


The doctor’s talking

He’s so tall

He wants me to come with him?


I walk pass the pretty lady with the weird-looking son, the dirty old man, the couple, the children

Why am I going in with the doctor alone?

He’s so tall

I miss mommy… she held my hand


We enter the room and he shuts it

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I want them to hear me scream cos I don’t trust him

He’s so tall


He asks me to take off my clothes

Daddy you brought me here

Am I being punished cos I smiled at Kayode?

I’ll do anything to avoid the pain

I take my dress off


I’m embarrassed in my old underwear

He makes me take that off too

He wants me to lie down on the bed

Daddy you brought me here

MOMMY SAVE ME FROM THIS MAN… WHY AM I LYING HERE ON HIS COLD NYLON SHEETS NAKED?????


He wants me to spread my legs apart

I want to call you Daddy, but you’ll probably hurt me more than he ever could

He scares me

He’s so tall

He touches me up there

He flashes a light up there

He puts something up there

I’ll black it out cos I’m scared


He’s done

It’s over and I’m still scared


He’s seen me… I put back on my dress but I find no comfort in the grey cashmere

I know this was wrong, but I don’t know how

We walk outside and I’m not the same person who came in


I eat, read, talk and walk like I used to but I’ll never be the same eight year old girl who walked home by herself because you forgot to come get her.


I stopped smiling at Kayode Daddy.

25 comments:

Calabar Gal said...

Sincere & Lovely Posts!!
Soulful if I may add.

Onya Baquebeich said...

*sigh*
Insecurities and paranoia bring unparalleled hurt to others.
Not sure what your relationship is with your old man, but maybe one day you'll come to temrs with all the wrong done and misdirected mistrust. God bless (i never say God Bless) but God bless

Vickii said...

I got chills reading this. I'm sorry you had to go through this but I guess it's just made you the person who you are today! And you're pretty great!

I just read 'Purple Hibiscus' by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie and it reminds me of this. Her father was tyrannical but misguided because somewhere, somehow, he thought he was doing what was best for his family.

I hope writing about this does give you the closure you need.

TP said...

I hope writing this has helped to release the negative feelings. And somehow, you can find it in your heart to forgive. I admire the courage it took you to relive this and post it here. Well done.

Poetic Justice said...

thank you for opening up.
You have allowed others to have the courage to speak what htey feel. You had me in tears girl.

Anonymous said...

I hope speaking about it will help you bury the pain. Forever.

NaijaBloke said...

I bind and resist all the spirit of hate in u my child ..Amen . LOL

Past experience makes or stronger or breaks us.. so u have to choose which one applies to u moi dear.

To ur question on my blog

ONB- I stayed all over PH within the 21/2 yrs I was there if I can say that.. Lets see I 1st stayed on Old Aba rd,like 3mins walk from Shell,later stayed off Ogunabali,later stayed inside D-line and stayed inside the Agip Estate on Okporo Rd.Hope u know all those places.. where did u stay in PH?

Soul said...

I'm sorry.
There are never enough words to express exactly what to say when people reveal what hurts inside.

I hate the fact that it seems people can just say whatever without thinking about the consequences. of their words. So the head teacher siad whatever.

I hate the fact that your dad could leave you there on your own, when was he supposed to step up and why didn't he even talk to you about it?. Why couldn't he bring himself to ask you whatever he thought about?

Be rest assured, You are much more than a series of events, you are much more than a series of unfortunate circumstances.
You are much more, soo much more.

I don't know you personally, yet.. I am proud of you.

Keep on being, keep on learning, and keep on realising that it's okay to be complicated, it's okay to want to be loved and it's bloody fabulous being you.

nosa101 said...

*sob*

Anonymous said...

I said i wudn't cry for u...*Damnit*!..but the more i hear ur story..the harder it is for me to hold back my tears. You really are a phenomenal woman...

Mari said...

WOW am speechless. Is this real?

Anonymous said...

you are so strong

ABBEY said...

stay strong girl, in the words of Antoine Fisher:

"They tried to bring you down, but you're still standing" OK? STILL STANDING!! That's all that matters.

naijadyme said...

whoa.. now i can feel ur pain, gives me a new insite to u. now i understand why u are the way u are... strong and independent..and ive reached a new level of respect.

dat was touchin babe.. but u kno wat?? THRU IT ALL YOU REMAIN STRONGER DAN EVER. and wen u look at it, dats all that really matters.

azuka said...

I won't pretend to understand what you've been through, but emotional pain hurts like hell -- some things have been done to me which I still remember now.

There's something like forgiveness -- but one never forgets. All the best.

NaijaBloke said...

@ONB- I know isiokpo str,infact I know D-line a lil bit sha,but I dont know ur high school.

I worked in D-line and mehn I enjoyed PH like crazy... spent 1 whole week in PH last December when I went to Naija o.

Uzo said...

Oh my word. Intense and sincere. Very well written. If this is real, time brings healing....

Biodun said...

Intense stuff, hope blogging about it will help heal the wounds, take care n God bless

BionicBuddha said...

Incredible life...you are a very strong individual...very remarkable in many ways. Thank you for sharing.



www.bionicbuddha.com

africanprincess said...

Very powerful.

Onada said...

wow thats deep.....if this is real i admire you for sharing!!

Cherub (former Bijouxoxo) said...

One thing i do know, is that u are not what u're going thru, or what u went thru. You're way stronger than that. Don't let that circumstance determine who u are, let it make u a stronger an better person.

Wonderful write-up, without revealing too much. I'm teary eyed now, but it's good to let it all out once and for all. God bless ya, girl.

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

What u went tru baby girl does not determine the great and wonderful person you have now become. You might have gone through a childhoid devoid of its inocense, but ONB you are continually being molded into someone super beautiful, both inside and outside.

Our parents, seem to have gone to the same school of how to train a child (with the exception of some), but we love them still.

It is because of that Love that you try to reconsile and come to terms with that day. That action has no more hold on you girl. You are free at last. stay blessed.

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

Thanks everyone for helping me through this… this was an extremely difficult post for me to write… My heart ached and I cried through a lot of it... but I GOT IT OUT GUYS!!!

All of you have been extremely supportive in your comments, your prayers, your suggestions and I really appreciate each and every single one of them.

Writing it and just putting it out there has been the first step towards my recovery… I won’t lie and tell you that I’m perfectly fine… I don’t know that I’ll ever be… but I think all I need to do is just make peace with my 7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19 and 20 year old self. I need to do this so I don’t lash out at every guy… so I stop mistrusting, so I stop doubting… so I stop remembering.

The great thing is that I was able to talk about it for the first time with my mom last weekend and she was great about it… she understands… we’ll all heal together cos he hurt her so much too. None of us have a relationship with him and it’s a result of really terrible memories and nightmares that he’s given us… I’m trying to let that go cos if I have hate in my heart… I’ll never really be ok.

The journey has already started because I’m not as mad about it… I realize that he was a misguided human being and probably just needs a hug. I haven’t given it yet… but at least I realize that he really needs it.

I really feel stronger than my past. I have so much love around me… so I’m ok. My mom, my sister, my friends, my boyfriend… they’re there for me through thick and thin and accept me just as I am… I’m not my looks, my attitude, my brain… “I'm a woman/ Phenomenally/Phenomenal woman/That's me”(Maya Angelou) In the words of Christina Aguilera “It’s not so easy to forget, but I look back at yesterday and I’m ok”

Since that trip, I’ve never been to a gynecologist cos I have terrible memories attached… pray for me as I go on my first trip since then. Pray I don’t kick out, pray I don’t scream, pray I don’t lash out… I PRAY AND I’M OK.

*I dedicate this post to all those little boys and little girls who don’t have a voice… WE SHALL FUCKING OVERCOME!!!*

AMEN!!!

Azuka said...

Why not make the last comment a post? It's pretty intense...