My friends didn’t see why, but I used to be really crazy about you
You were only my height but that was tall enough for me
You were darker than I’m used to, but that was fine…
A little skinnier than I liked, but I could care less
You had a few crooked teeth, but I still loved to kiss you
I met my Jehovah Witness in my first year of university. My first memory of him was a shy guy who moved amazingly well to reggae and soca. It became a regular weekend thing for him and his boys to come over every Saturday. We’d all booze up, dance, eat, crack jokes. It was just the shit... LIVING AWAY FROM HOME ROCKED!!!
On one of those Saturdays, I’d gotten drunk cos I’d had a midterm earlier in the day and hadn’t had enough time to eat. My Jehovah witness took care of me and stroked my hair, cheeks (and maybe my boobs…lol) for hours on end. In spite of my constant puking, I felt safe and warm in his arms.
Everybody was sleeping over, but he had to leave cos he didn’t want to
He got my number from our friend and we started our ‘witness affair’
He couldn’t date cos it was frowned upon by his church especially as he was baptised. I didn’t mind that for a while… I mean we had a great thing going on and at least I knew he wasn’t dating another girl somewhere. He liked me, I liked him, I mean even a blind person could see that we were nuts about each other… I mean just mention his goddamn name and you’d see me smiling like someone who won the lottery.
He had an aura about him… his spirituality turned me on. There’s something to be said about a dude who’d no sooner kiss the daylights out of you than he’d start quoting the disciples in the book of Matthew. The only thing I didn’t like about the whole church thing is he always felt guilty… we would engage in a steamy make-out session and when we were done, he’d look so guilty cos I’m guessing even that was against the rules. I understood it to a certain extent, but I don’t think God is against people expressing affection… it’s not even like we ever fucked or nothing.
We talked on the phone for hours on end. Since we couldn’t date each other, he came up with an ingenious plan… no matter what happened to us at the time, in the future he’d find me wherever and marry me. I was willing to keep going on with the way things were… I really liked him so I stuck this thing out for about a year give or take a month or two. I mean I dated other guys cos I knew I couldn’t date him… I mean I still had to keep my options open. I thought I could change his mind with time, and of course I’d drop whoever in a hot second.
I could never give any dude my all cos my Jehovah’s Witness already possessed a big part of me
I felt guilty everytime I kissed another guy cos somehow he’d branded me
Once in a while I’d realize that things were not progressing between us and that I wanted more than he could give me… I just couldn’t find it in me to let it go completely. I’d cut him off for weeks and say it was over… but he’d apologize so sweetly and I couldn’t not take him back.
I was content in our ‘non- relationship’ for a long time… then I realized I wanted more- all or nothing… I cut him off again. I guess it was at the back of my mind that he’d call me back and keep apologizing and just make things right… he’d realize how much he needed me… how incomplete he was without me… how we could make it work even though he was a ‘Jehovah Witness’.
Then he went on a date with GC
GC that I introduced him to, GC my friend, GC who knew how it was with me and him, GC that fucked guys on the first date, GC that had had an STD 2 months ago!!!
My Jehovah Witness was a fraud!!!
He hadn’t been building something with me… he’d just been trying his luck to see what panned out for him… I guess GC did.
He has since called, emailed, texted me, had friends and cousins call to apologize and start over, but HIS CHAPTER IS COMPLETELY CLOSED!!!
I’ve attached a poem I wrote about the situation:
In every ones lifetime, there comes a time when you let go of old insecurities and give your heart to someone.
Sometimes they take it for what its worth, treasure it and keep it for as long as they can
And sometimes they trample on it and make a mockery of complex emotions
They realize the extent of your feelings and play on your heart like a puppet on a drawstring
They lure you in with loving words, sweet nothings as you are entrapped in a web of lies and deceit
They blind you with the dark light of false love
Your heart is on a string and your feelings are drawn thinner and thinner until one day... it finally snaps
You wake up one day and realize it was all a mirage
This person never really loved you; they just loved the reflection of themselves in your eyes
They liked the feeling of playing with your emotions and knowing how far you’d go for them
What a grievous day it is when you realize that love is nothing but a poison that seeps into your soul and infects your entire being. It changes everything and not necessarily for the better.
It locks you in a box with only one set of get- out keys
It creates a glow so warm that in its absence you can only feel numbness and chills.
But it is with this numbness of mind, body and soul that arises the inner strength to move on and rebuild your heart and dreams.
And then another person walks in with their vision of love and your walls come tumbling down again.