Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Control Freak

I was having a conversation with my best friend Naijadyme a few weeks ago and I remember her telling me that I’m a control freak in my relationships. It bugged the hell out of me… me Overwhelmed Naija Babe… a control freak? I didn’t think so. I hate labels so I sort of decided to look inward and do a little personal analysis. I actually ‘Wikipedia’d’ the term: A Control Freak is someone with a compulsive desire to exert control over situations and people. Maybe I feel the need to be in control to avoid the pain. Writing and just putting things out there has been the first step towards my recovery… I won’t lie and say that I’m perfectly fine… I don’t know that I’ll ever quite be… but I think all I need to do is just make peace with my 7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19 and 20 year old self. I need to do this so I don’t lash out at every guy… so I stop mistrusting, so I stop doubting… so I stop remembering.

From family shit to relationshionships, I’ve been through so much in my 20 years of living. I was at the gynecologist at 8 years old because my dad didn't trust me.
As a teenager I was exploited by a family member for a long time
so it’s hard to just switch off and forget everything.

so it’s hard to just switch off and forget everything.

I really feel stronger than my past though. I have so much love around me… my mom, my sister, my best friends, my boyfriend… they’re there for me through thick and thin and accept me just as I am. I’m not my looks, my attitude, my brain… “I'm a woman/ Phenomenally/ Phenomenal woman/ That's me” (Maya Angelou) In the words of Christina Aguilera “It’s not so easy to forget, but I look back at yesterday and I’m ok”

My Country Idol Dolly Parton once said something that I’ll never forget: “If I see something sagging, dragging, or bagging, I get it sucked, tucked, or plucked” In my case... I guess I’m willing to tweak certain undesirable aspects of my character. I’m not changing who I am or anything, I just don’t want to be that girl who judges every man based on her past issues and experiences and expects every guy to be perfect. In the words of British Song Queen Dido in Life for rent: I never want to be so afraid to fail that I don’t even try.

Basically, Naijadyme’s point of view was that because of issues in my past… I’d become a little paranoid about guys… I make/let them fall in love with me but I never quite open myself up to the possibility of loving them in return.

OK Point Conceded

She knows my life, so I obviously can’t trick her. I could totally see where she’s coming from … but I honestly think I’m trying. I’ve improved a lot from the person I used to be… at least I’m willing to show and act on my emotions a lot more than before. I actually tell my boyfriend that I miss him something awful… I actually tell him that I can’t wait to see him… I actually tell him I think he’s the most wonderful guy I ever met and that I think he’s beautiful… small things if you’re more in touch with your emotions… but MAJOR FOR OVERWHELMED NAIJA BABE!!!

I read somewhere that in relationships, one person always likes more than the other. I’m more than content being adored, loved, cuddled, pampered. I don’t think I want to be the person that likes more; I don't even know that I'm conditioned to… but I’ll learn to show how I feel more. The boyfriend knows I’m nuts about him though… I woke up once to make him tea before he went to work (lol… I know… knowing me… that’s unfuckingbelievable!!!) He understands that I have a lot of issues cos I’ve read him a lot of shit that I wrote. He’s happy with the way things are though… apparently he’s never met someone so complex. BIGUPS TO COMPLEXITY!!

Earlier in the relationship, I used to pick arguments cos I wanted him to show me that he was like other guys. I wanted a reason to be able to write him off… he gave me none; the bitchier I was about issues… the calmer he was. I just knew I had to come off that shit.

He doesn’t notice my little imperfections… he thinks they’re all just other parts of me to worship. He actually listens when I tell him my dreams. I actually cared enough to tell him to go back to college… and he will (THATS MAJOR!!!)

I wrote two poems “I met a Boy” and “Butterflies” about him and they still apply. He’s still the same boy I met months ago, and strangely enough, he still gives me butterflies! He knows when to call my bluff which is interesting cos I’ve usually gotten away with almost everything with other dudes cos “I’m sexy”… hehe… that doesn’t cut it all the time with the boyfriend… and strange enough I don’t mind.

In being a control freak… I guess you get to control the way things affect you cos the amount of hurt you’ll receive from anyone or anything is directly proportional to how much emotions and feelings you put into it…(lol.. what can I say… I loved calculus in high school). I’ve been able to get over every relationship quickfast cos I only put so much of myself into it... I’m more invested into this one than I’ve ever been. I’d actually miss him… It’d actually take me a while to get over him… cos I never met someone who loved me so hard so unconditionally (oh and the doggy style is FUCKING AMAZING … but that’s a story for another entry… lol).

Other people tell you they love you to get some nookie, some tell you just because it’s what everybody else says in relationships, some say it cos you said it first… he said it cos he just wanted me to know I’m safe with him. He doesn’t expect me to say it back if I don’t feel it… he just wants me to like him as hard as I’m capable of… seriously where do you find that?

So the conclusion of my little analysis is that I might be a control freak… but I’m a control freak that’s loved by a great guy… so for now… that’s fine.

I’ve attached a poem I wrote about the boyfriend:


I Could Really Love You


If ever I could freeze a moment in time,

it would be the moment you became mine.

A kiss, a touch, a smile you make me feel like no one else does


I could really love you for the look in your eyes everytime you see me

I could love you for the way you make me feel comfortable and lose all my inhibitions when I’m with you.

I could love you for the butterflies in the pit of my stomach everytime you kiss me, the shivers you send down my spine everytime you touch me

I could love you cos you understand me, you laugh at my silly jokes and know what to do to make me smile

I could love you cos you adore me- all of me

I could love you cos in my heart you make me hope for something I barely understand

I could love you cos you think I look gorgeous with my hair messy in your wife-beater

I could love you cos you give me wings to fly and you’re there to catch me if I fall

I could really love you cos you already love me

You’re my truth.


Thanks NaijaDyme… Babe, you’re my perspective.

34 comments:

naijadyme said...

OK BABE I JUS HAVE TO BE THE FIRST TO LEAVE A COMMENT... NOW I NOTICE WEN I SAID DAT IT GOT TO U.... I DIDNT MEAN FOR IT TO THROW U OF... BUT REALLY AND TRULY UVE COME A LONE WAY FROM THE CHICK U WERE LAST YEAR... IN TERMS OF LETTIN GUYS IN... AND I THINK ITS A MADD BIG STEP I SEE YOU WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND AND IM MADD HAPPY FOR U.. I THINK HES JUS RITE FOR U.. U GUYS ARE SOO HAPPY TOGETHER.. THINGS DAT U WOULDNT HAVE DONE ON A REGULAR, U DO WITH HIM.

AND I'M JUST REAL HAPPY DAT YOU CAN ALLOW UR SELF TO BE LOVED FOR WHO YOU ARE AND ALSO IN TURN OPEN YOUR SELF TO THE OPPORTUNITY OF LOVING.

HEY I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN THRU AND I DONT EXPECT U TO JUST TURN IT OFF LIKE DAT COS I WONT BE ABLE TO DO DAT TOO, BUT BABY GIRL YOU'VE COME SOO FAR AND IM SOO HAPPY FOR U.. YOURE HAPPY AND DATS ALL THAT MATTERS

SO I TAKE IT BAK.... YOU ARE A CONTROL FREAK ...... ONLY SOME TIMES...LOL... HOW U LIKE DAT???
I LOVE U GIRL.... JUS DE WAY U ARE.

Onya Baquebeich said...

Thats a deep poem, you really have been through a shit load in your life. you're no doubt stronger for it all. you know what they say "what dosnt kill you can only make you stronger... or leave you permanently disabled". Nice one

lotus said...

love is inspiration
it makes u more confident
but .....
u r only 20
u will know life is more than that
any way go ahead with ur writing
lov passion........

Folake said...

Your experiences have made you a truly re-markable person, you seem to know to value the things the things that matter. I pray you find the strength everyday to keep growing and learning, one day at a time

nosa101 said...

No comment

Uzo said...

How can you just be 20? That really threw me off....I love the honesty behind your poem....

Noni Moss said...

Love the story, love the poem, love the everything.

I cant really comment on being a control freak as I can totally relate to how your experiences will make you a control freak. It will get better and hopefully you will be able to trust your own strength or capabailities - in dealing in whatever may come your way - enough to let go.

Biodun said...

I can relate to a lot of wot u said about ur man, glad that u have one who cares that deeply, have fun n u said it all, so i wont be a broken record, u have been tagged bythe way, check my blog!

Anonymous said...

U r too real for words mami. Love ur poems..

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@naijadyme: I know when you said the control freak thing it bugged the fuck out of me cos nobody’s ever called me that so I just did a little thinking sha. But I just wanted to thank you for everything. Babe I wouldn’t be the person I am without you… you’ve been there through the laughter and the tears, through the comedy and the tragedy, through all my ups and downs. You’ve always seen the best in me and as a result, made me see the best in myself. You’ve made my life so much richer just by being in it. You do my hair for me when I need it even though you sometimes use the comb to tap my head if I’m moving too much lol. I could go on and on about you but babe you already know… I’ll always love you and that’s real.

@Ai’hammed: Thanks babe and you are right “what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger… or leave you permanently disabled”… lmao… na only you go add that kind twist Delot. I really appreciate you coming through but come oh what is this I hear about you leaving the blogworld? PLZ DON’T… WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT YOUR HUMOUR? YOUR STYLE? YOUR FOCUS… YOUR WRITING... ABEG HAVE A RETHINK FOR MY SAKE! (take 2 weeks vacation or something… but just don’t leave us cold!!!)

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Lotus: You’re right… I am only 20 so I know there’s so much more laughter, tears, frowns, smiles and experiences in the future and I look forward to em all. Thanks for coming through.

@Folake: What you said brings to mind something I read on diamondhawks blog “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference”. That’s a prayer we could all live by. Thanks for your kind words and for stopping by

@Nosa: lol… no comment on your comment

@Uzo: Thanks babe… yes oh I’m 20… just ke? Babe explain oh… 20 pass 19, pass 18, pass 17… so no be any just oh… lmao.. just goofing… how you doing girl

@Noni Moss: Thanks babe… it’s already getting better which is something I never would’ve thought a while ago.

@Biodun: lol@being a broken record… u? NEVA!!! You know I always appreciate you stopping by and your comments. Lmao… I’ve been multiple tagged… I actually have to do this now…

@Zaiprincesa: Thanks babe… really, thanks a lot.

Vickii said...

Lol you definitely are a control freak but you're aware of it, working on it and dealing with it by letting your new boyfriend in so really, you're doing everything you can and I respect you for that!

I'm a bit of a control freak with all my relationships too but unlike you, I've never been hurt and I haven't had any problems/issues in the past that can explain it so the reasons why are still a mystery to me! Hopefully, I'll figure it out too!

Vickii said...

ps ... Love the poem. Have you read it to him?

babe said...

I'm 20 and I dont feel half as grown up as you....I guess that's because they locked me in my house tire....lovely blog.....i have finally updated mine

Anonymous said...

'if ever i could freeze a moment in time.. It would be the moment you became mine..'
love that.
Babe you write so well! i'm waiting on my own prince charming!

it'l take time i guess, but you will get past the hurt in your past and learn to trust again. Seems like you'r already doing a good job of it.

LondonBuki said...

You are such a talented writer!!!

I love that poem... love it!!!

Calabar Gal said...

Nice Soul Searching Post. But then coming from the Queen of Soul - nothing but the best yeah?

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@1982: We gotta solve this mystery of the ‘relationship control-freaks’… I’m gonna get all Sherlock Holmes and Oprah Winfrey on u girl. Read him the poem ke? Nah… lol… E never reach me like that. Thanks for coming through babe

@babe: Oh whao… I didn’t know you were 20 too… you, me and JadedKiss... we’re taking over the world!!! Going over to your blog right this minute.

@JadedKiss: Thanks babe… appreciate it. I say hell yeah to that prince charming!

@LondonBuki: Thanks babe… you’re far too kind.

@Calabar Gal: yes ma’am, I certainly wouldn’t want to disappoint you… lol… Thanks my dear.

ExtrovertedPrude said...

Wow! Your story is the second naija girl's story that's brought tears to my eyes...mehn i don't know how you kept quiet or didn't attempt to actually kill the guy. I guess life is what makes us or breaks us...and its obviously making You! Stay strong babe.

adahope said...

Overwhelmed, I think you care even more than you realize. You're right,it is hard to let loose especially after what you've been through.
Loosing control sometimes freaks us out,and could be detrimental but realizing that it is Ok to do so, will come to you only when the time (person)is right, and then it's the most natural feeling in the world.

I know that giving all of yourself could feel like you are tipping the relationship scales,and giving up that edge that you're so used to having,but don't forget that it is very possible for both of you to equally care for each other. You're smart, so if you trust him, let yourself go.

Vera Ezimora said...

Awwww, that's a nice poem. But ONB, you didn't have to write me a poem! You coulda just called me and whispered sweet nothings in my ear. Then we could eat a bowl of snails...NOT!

LOL. Ok, I'm not crazy.

But that's a lovely poem (thanks, I love you too). I'm glad you've progressed so much in your life. And thank God for that bf of urs... but errr, does he know about OUR relationship?

TaureanMinx said...

Aww mushyy mushhyyyy. Yes I've had retarded growth relationship wise lol. For real though, lovely poem. Hope he loved it too.I'm sorry you went through so much but look how great you turned out!

Lee said...

Aawww.. such a sweet poem.
Tell me about it. I used to be a control freak but gorwing up, I got to a stage where I told myself, its time to let loose.and well.. storyyyyyyyyyyyy..I'll sit down and write the story of my relationships one day..;)

Good thing is ur man just loves everything about you.. Nice

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Extroverted: My dear it was terrible at the time… so much hurt, pain, mixed emotions. I’m still affected by it… but trust me… I’m so much better now… The healing has begun!!! Thanks babe

@adahope: Lol… you’re right… I might care more than I realize. I trust him so I’m open to love and open to life… just hope it doesn’t come crashing down on me but I guess the fun is in finding out for myself. Thanks for stopping by girl.

@Vera: lol… well I think he kinda suspects something cos I called your name last wkend (needless to say he didn’t take it lightly… but don’t worry I told him you were my golf instructor… lmao) Snails rock and so does shrimp… hehe… I’m glad I wrote YOU the poem… for you I will do anything including running a 1000 mile marathon in my ‘burgundy underwear’… lmao.

@Taurean: Thanks babe. hehe@mushy mushy. Didn’t read it to him.. you’re the second person to suggest this so now I’m thinking about it… our 6 month anniv. is coming up in 3 weeks.. so maybe then? Or maybe I’ll write something better… ur right.. I did turn out pretty great… that and some nice boobs… it doesn’t get any better… lol.

@Lee: Thanks thanks thanks my dear… letting loose in relationships is all the rage now and yes he is a darling… I can’t wait to hear your own relationship saga oh… u know I’m addicted to gist… have a great week in china and remember to eat tons of sushi on my behalf.

Nyemoni said...

Girl friend.. I like your poem! I wish i could put pen to paper (or should I say fingers to keyboard) like that!

TP said...

Lovely post babe! I think it's good that you listened to your friend and examined yourself. We all have times when we don't want to expose our emotions. You have been through a lot, and you are now making peace with yourself, so that's a good thing. You will come out stronger and a better person for it. I love good endings, and babe, I'm sure your story will have a wonderful ending. You're a survivor!

NaijaBloke said...

Let me make ya head swell a li' bit as well ..LOL

Nice poem ....

I always tell ppl to focus on the present and the future and dont let the past dictate ur presnt and future.

No vex moi dear for not adding u to my list yet,been terribly busy.Will be back fully after next week

Mari said...

wow babes, now this is truely deep. Cheers to naijadyme for being a true friend.

Everyone has said everthing worth saying about this post. Like Biodun, I too can relate to most of the stuff u've written but I could never have put it down in writing the way you've done. Kudos!

Your bfriend seems to bring out the best of you. Thats a blessing.

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Nyemoni: Awww thanks babe… I’ve read your blog and you’re really good abeg… in fact I’m going to check it again.. you better have updated it oh or else na world war 3 up in hurr!!!

@Tp: AMEN to happy endings!!! Thanks for your comments and for always stopping by my blog… A big jar of Canadian Maple Syrup on the way for you!! lol

@NaijaBloke: lol… thanks babe… make I go check my head size. You’re right and I’m learning that each and every single day… its great that I have an awesome support system around me including ALL U BLOGGERS… y’all have helped me in ways you can’t imagine. Aha cos I was wondering how come I never be favorite yet… Please oh add me jo!

@Mari: I say a Big Cheers and Canadian Applause to Naijadyme for being the person she is... if only I could get her to do my hair this wkend… lmao. Thanks for your comments babe… I really appreciate it. Have a great week sunshine

Anonymous said...

Hey babe, I think its a great thing that you speak from the heart the closest some of us get to speaking from the heart is in our minds where no one can hear/know/feel/see!
And well I feel that your past experiences have bent you into the sort of person that you are....one could say... maybe they have controlled the person that you are today????!!!!!!!

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

@Mamarita: Thanks… I try my best cos I know that by speaking about stuff that truly affects me… I become a better person… I understand… I learn… I become! I really appreciate the kind words. Have yourself a great weekend mami!

Anonymous said...

in : poemspedia.com
More than Love Poems in a very user friendly interface with little ads

Omo Ibadan said...

Deep.....:)

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