Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I hate the night

I hate the night cos its mysterious and filled with gloom
It shrouds beauty and darkens everything
I hate the night cos that’s when he creeps in
I love him during the day and I hate him at night
He slithers in at night, slithers in to try things he can’t do when it’s bright
During the night I cant sleep; I lie awake just thinking of what’s to come
But I don’t want to think cos all I have is memories; images I’d rather bury forever
He cracks the door open a little while we sleep and calls out my name
Instant goosebumps arise on my skin, chills run down my spine.
I freeze inside
A thousand thoughts run through my head
I wish she’d wake up beside me and see what he is trying to do
She’s young, but I’m desperate; I need help; I need an out
I wonder if I should close my eyes and pretend to sleep; maybe then he’d just leave me alone
But then again, what if then he goes further, tries something he couldn’t when I’m looking straight into his eyes
Completely frozen inside, outside I burn… Its soo hot
He keeps tapping me; I want to scream but I smother it inside
Tears stream down my face endlessly
Please he begs, I don’t know why I do this, we’re family but I just can’t help it
At first, I complain, argue, talk to him about it
I try to understand but I just can’t wrap my mind around it
He begs, pleads almost crying
I don’t want a grown man to cry cos of me; I succumb
My heart is cold, so I think of places- sunny, pretty, warm places where 15 year old girls don’t have to go through this
He touches, feels, rubs, but I’m in my cocoon.
When he achieves what he wants, he thanks me.
There is no sex, no rape, so what is this? I feel desecrated
I hate my body for creating desire in him
On my deepest, darkest days, I wish he’d just go the full nine yards cos then maybe, just maybe they’re notice I am different
Maybe then they’d noticed that I hate myself, I hate myself for letting it happen, hate myself for not having the courage to say anything, hate myself for smiling at him in the morning.
Maybe then they’d notice the high pitched brittle laugh and that I’ve withdrawn into myself to forget the terror of nights past
Maybe then they’d notice how great an actress I am.They’d notice that he is killing my soul, making me afraid of the night


africanprincess said...

Unfortunately, there are so many others who have experienced this. Its maddening..sorry sounds stupid and trite.

A disillusioned Naija girl said...

I think it's incredibly brave of you to talk about this. Anonymity really does provide a measure of comfort - knowing that you are telling your story, and people are finally listening. The feelings that ran through me as I read this made me shiver - the depth of hatred I feel towards a person I don't even know, but who's left disaster in his selfish incestuous wake. I can only imagine the mixture of love and hatred you feel for this person, especially as he's a family member. I don't know what will provide release - you will undoubtedly discover this on your own, in time. I do, however, wish you well on your journey, and pray you are able to fully heal. Be well.

Naijadude said...

awww....Its so depressing and it saddens to know this happens in this world that we live in, yet we never feel the pain and hurt not until when it happens close to home. Been there done that. I know how it feels, but you seem to be faring well. Just keep holding on strong and bold like the person you are. I pray God heal your heart and you have room for forgiveness in your heart. I will keep you in my prayers likewise.
I better hope this is not fiction.. Jolene!

Anonymous said...

i feel you because it happened to me.these issues are not discussed in nigeria. we are many who went through this. first of's not your fault...and what doesn't kill you will make you stronger...if you let it

Noni Moss said...

Wow. There is nothing I can say which will ever measure up to the depth of your story. Your words ellicit tears and dredge up past memories. All I can hope is you realise it is ok to feel whatever you feel. He cannot touch the woman you are now and he will get what is coming to him. He will pay one way or another. Forgiveness (difficult as it may be) may help in removing the pain you carry - think of it as him not being worthy of any of your thoughts or emotions. Good luck.

TP said...

I can't imagine the pain and hate that this has caused you. I pray that God will help you to forgive and forget, and help you to find peace in yourself. Praying for you sister...

Ferrari said...

mehnnnn babe u shldnt tke that for any reaosn what do they mean by"what doesnt kill you makes you stronger"..dats bullshit..u kno what its ur life...and u shld correct what is wrong...wattt! like its ridiculous and it ammounts to psychological damage if not looked at..honestly i wld call u if u want all u hve to do is mail me ur number i really shld talk to you..if all u have said is TRUE...ITS